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0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 14 | I can't make up my mind if I want to go to a meeting with Charles or not. He asked me to go, but I kind of don't want to go. I have a math quiz in the morning and I need to go over the problems. Anyway. i haven't heard from Tony in a while. I hate it when guys tell me that they are goingto call and they don't. Tony was acting strange towards me at the ACC meeting yesterday. O well, I hope he dosen't want a relationship with me. I cannot handle one right now. I don't understand why I always I have to speak to people before they speak to me. I know they see me coming. I'm not going to worry about that though. I wonder if I should participate in the Miss Black and Gold Pageant. I really don't see myself as the type of lady that enters those kinds of things. First of all, I don't have a talent. Second of all, I'm not good at answering questions right off the top of my head. I have four years until I can do it, so I might just wait. If Cookie does it, then I will. I'm kind of excited about going home on the 17th. It's the Homecoming Ceremonies that night. I'll get to see my recent ex-boyfriend. I can't believe that he still tells people that we are still going together. He has a lot of nerve. Anyway. it hasn't even been ten minutes and I'm already tired of typing. Psychology is confusing to me. So is Philosophy and Biology. I don't know what to believe in now. I was brought up as a Christian, but now I realize that science proves some things in the bible to be wrong. I still don't know what came first, the dinosaurs or man. Anyway, I'm not going to worry about that either. There are so many guys here that are attractive, but the bad part about it is that they know they are attractive. Guys around here seem to stereotype the freshman girls as "easy, silly and stuck-up". I have to admit, a lot of my classmates are stuck-up, but I don't think they are silly. Once again, I don't understand why I always have to be the one to speak to everyone first. It's mostly the girls who have to be spoken to. Soem of the guys are like that too. I like the college life so far. My parents used to never let me do anything. They were so strict on me. Now, I go out whenever I want to, but I'm not going cray with it. They thought that I would go wild when I got to college, but I haven't. I'm mature enough for college. My brother on the other hand wasn't. He went to college for a day and quit. He was so worried about getting money, that he quit scholl to get a job. He needs that job too because his ex-girlfriend is going to hit him up on child support. My paremts tried to warn him, but he was hard-headed. | 738 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 3 | I'm kind of frustrated right now with Callie. She just left to go to meeting and she just bothers me. It's like she's annoyed with me but she won't say anything. I hate it when people do that-it's like just tell me what's going on, don't just act nonchalant about it. It pisses me off. It's like she just kind of ignores me all the time. I thought it would be better when she came back this weekend, since we spent time apart, but it's not. Gosh I sound like I'm talking about my boyfriend or something. But nope, it's my roommate. I'm feeling kind of pissed off about a lot of things actually. I ate way too much yesterday which sucked. And I was doing really well about working out here, and now all of a sudden I'm getting lazy. I don't get it at all. I talked to Price last night which made me feel happy and sad at the same time. It usually does when I'm here at school. He always makes me homesick. It just sucks because I was home the entire summer and he just didn't take advantage of it. I tried, I really did, but he didn't really make the effort until like the day before I left. Figures. It's so hard because we both like each other, but there's nothing we can do about it. It is so stupid that we are not in the same grade. I just keep thinking that God does everything for a reason, and that I should just feel lucky He found a way to bring us together in the first place. I went to church for the second time since being at UT. It felt good, but sad too. Kind of like talking to Price. I don't know-I know everyone says over and over again that it's hard to find a church in college and that you just have to keep an open mind, etc, etc. But it's true and I keep comparing everything to MDUMC. I miss it so much, especially Steve and Kristi. I miss everyone there. I wonder what it would be like to go home again next summer and do staff. I would probably be really bored, but I guess God will lead me where I'm meant to be. I just don't want to spend all summer in Austin drinking my life away. I mean, don't get me wrong, I like drinking, but I just don't enjoy doing it all the time. I just really need to get involved with some Christian organizations here. I also need to find a bible study that I enjoy. I feel so lost if I don't have fellowship to keep me on track in my faith walk. I hate being so close to God in the summer and then straying so during the school year. That's just not how it should be. I have got to work on it. I especially need to do my part here, like praying and quiet times. It's like working out-no never mind, that's an awful comparison that I really don't want to make. I wonder and daydream way too much. I wonder about stupid girly stuff sometimes like who I'm going to marry and when. I wonder if I'm going to get a job. I wonder about why I'm such a moody person. Sometimes I feel really different from everyone else around me. Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if I went to A&M. Would Cal and I still be inseperable? Would RT and I be good friends? I don't know, it's just weird. I wonder how it's going to be with Price when he goes to college. I wonder if he'll meet some girl and totally forget about me. I'd probably be so jealous if he ever found someone that he was closer to than me. But I shouldn't if he does-I should simply be incredibly happy for him. We just have a weird relationship. I wonder how Mike's doing really. I mean, I know he acts the same, but he has to be going through a lot. I can't even imagine. Sometimes I want to ask him about it, but I don't know how to put it or what to say. I mean, I can't just randomly bring it up. I wish sometimes that we still talked like we did in high school. It was weird last night when Callie and Todd were talking about Travis on the phone. I haven't thought about that boy in a long, long time. He still makes me mad. what a stupid thing he did. I still can't believe he threw away our friendship. we really clicked. we could talk about anything, and that just doesn't happen very often with two people. I mean, I obviously got over him romantically, but we could have been lifelong friends. Too bad for him I guess. I still wish sometime down the road that he would apologize, but I think a lot of people in life wait for apologies that they will never receive, or for people to come back into their lives that never will. It's foolish I know. I love my parents so much. I wish that I could treat them the way I want to deep inside. The way I know I will wish I did all of my life when they are gone. It's just ridiculous how much they do for me. | 821 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 | Ok, here I go. I wonder what most people are thinking of when they are writing this. Probably all kinds of things. Well, I have a girlfriend, her name is Lauren, and today is our 10 month aniversary. I'm excited but I'm sad that I don't get to see her that much because she is still in high school. She goes to Clark in San Antonio just like I did. That's where we met. We were both on the cross country team. I'm kind of tired. I wish I didn't have to spend all my time reading the Iliad. It's getting really boring and I don't even think it's a very good book. They just like it because it's old. Like last night I spent several hours reading it and I still had to do more before I went to class today. Man, it's only been 5 minutes, I don't think I can actually think for a whole 20. I wonder what I would be doing if I wasn't doing this right now. Probably doing calculus homework or reading, heaven-for-bid, the Iliad. I can't wait until the weekend when I can relax some more. At least I only have one class tomorrow and it's really easy. It's calculus and this is my third year in a row of taking it for I shouldn't have any trouble with it. Unfortunately though it's all stuff I've already learned so it's boring also. Let's see, that makes two boring classes now. How about ancient Rome and BA101, those are also boring classes, but at least I like Rome so at times that class can be interesting. So that leaves psychology, that's definitely the best class I'm taking, because it's really interesting. Especially because many of the things don't have answers so it's just what you think. I'm probably biased towards it though, because I've always been a math and science fan. Math was ruined by one teacher I had, but I still love science. Hopefully, I can use the business skills I learn to start or work for something like a bioengineering company, that would be cool. Psychology is also fun because I know a few people in there. One of the guys in there I went to pre-school and kindergarten with and haven't really seen him since. Monday I met this girl named Jessica. She's pretty nice so I have someone to talk to before class. Bjorn just got home, I wonder where he's been. He probably was at class, I wonder which one. He really likes Cake and he just turned them on. I can tell when he's in his room usually because there is music on. He also likes the Beatles. I don't really like the Beatles but Cake is cool. I wonder who just got on AIM. I guess it was Rory because he just IMed me. I wonder what he wants. Maybe I'll have to tell him to go away, but I probably won't, because I'm not that kind of person. I don't like putting people down or causing conflict. I guess that's just who I am. I am, I think that's the best quote I've ever heard. It can be interpreted in so many ways and it's the only think that we know is absolutely true. | 1,769 |
0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 4 | I hate the miami dolphins and jimmy johnson, always smacking his lips. the broncos suck with out elway and not the dolphins will win. god I hate the dolphins. I miss erin so much, I hope I can stay faithful to her. everyone makes me feel stupid for staying with her when she is still in high school, but she is only 3 hours away. I can hardly wait till she comes down this weekend. I could not be more stressed, tests and other crap are bogging me down. it is so hard to make friends here that I feel comfortable around and that is only making me more nervous and stressed. I hate my rtf class, it is stupid and pointless. the reading is so painful I can barely stand to do it. dammit the dolphins scored again! I hate the dolphins! thank god almighty the cowboys won,I would have had a heart attack if they had lost, I miss my friends so much. I can hardly wait to see them in a month. there are so many damn hippies around here, sometimes they are entertaining but they are mostly just annoying. DAMN I HATE THE DOLPHINS. my phone bill is going to be huge from talking to erin, my parents are going to kill me. I feel pressured to entertain her friends this weekend and that I also stressing me out. my room needs to be cleanded badly, this place is disgusting. why can't erin just be here now, if she went here my life would be next to perfect. | 835 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | I'm already starting to feel stressed out, and I haven't had any tests yet. It's only been two weeks of school so far, and I feel like I have so much to do. I guess it's typical for for an incoming freshman, since it's new and all. I've never felt so busy in my life. Watching TV, my old passion, seems like such a waste of time to me now. If I have spare time, I could actually be checking out Austin, like the duck boat, which our RA told us about. It seems so cool!! A tour bus turning into a boat ?? It's craziness, and a little scary. We supposedly may go as a hall, which I highly doubt because we don't seem to have hall unity or whatever. I guess I had a misconception of how dorm life would be. At this point, I think getting an apartment would have been just fine, other than the fact that I'm way closer to my classes living on campus. Ok so maybe dorms aren't so bad because I don't think I want to wake up like an hour earlier for the whole public transportation fiasco. I really need to figure out the bus routes because I don't know where any of the buses going other than forty acres and far west, which I accidentally got on to during orientation. It was a great detour. Wow, 20 minutes is a long time, I just realized that. I guess I was comparing it to how long it takes me to do everything else, it seemed like nothing. So yea, back to the stressed out business. I've had something to do since the beginning of summer, since I took summer 1 at a community college, then I went to Clinton, Oklahoma to see my baby nephew and help my brother and sister-in-law out with the hotel they own there. I worked and got paid. Good stuff. A few days after I got home from Clinton, I made my way to Austin. My new home in the Kinsolving dormitory with all the other chics. And I think we all know how busy things are around here. I thought Christmas break would be relaxing and chill time, but I was mistaken. For I found out my closest cousin is getting married January 15, the weekend before classes start. This means that for Christmas break, I will be helping out with the wedding, which from experience already I know is very stressful. And my cousin has asked me to do a dance at her wedding, which is an Indian tradition for a younger girl in the family to entertain the guests with a vivid dance. So now I have to pick a song and choregraph a dance and learn it to perfection so I can perform it in front of hundreds of people. Did I mention that I am a nervous person who freaks out easily ? Oh and by the way, the wedding is in New Mexico, and the reception is in Houston a weekend later, so I have to go back home after a week of being in Austin, followed by who knows how long of being in Albuquerque, New Mexico. My home is in Lufkin, a little town of pop. 35,000 in East Texas, just two hours north of Houston, 3 hours south of Dallas, and four hours east of Austin. Man oh man, this is going to be a hectic year. And to think I thought studying for my classes was my biggest worry. Well maybe I will grow from all these things, in stead of losing my mind. I guess we'll see. Hey, that kind of relates to Psychology huh ? Maybe I can be a case study, which I read about in the textbook. | 2,379 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 18 | How do I feel? Well each day is different, sometimes overjoyed with excitement and fullfillment with myself and life. Everything seems ok. But very often such as today I feel lonley and unfullfilled and unsatified. I don't lnow if it was because my roomate went out of town for the weekend but the thought of waking up alone gives me a sick empty feelong in my stomach and my heart. I was just thinking the other day why it is that people especilly women ,girls, always like to sleep with stuffed animals? I personaly have never really felt the need to until recently. It is comforting, taking the place of something or someone that is missing from life. I have never been in a serious relationship and I find myself more and more thinking of what it would be like and I often pay attention to other couples or people who appear to be together happily enjoying eachother's company, caressing each other, attentive and sensitive to theother's needs. A special unspoken bond between them. I am jeolous and I don't know why it is that I don't have that. I don't think that I have ever felt this need so strongly before. I am not a very affectianate person. I have never really been. It seems awkward to me to be so, but I feel this untapped very sensitive affectionate part of me that wants to be unleached. I love people so easily. I know that we are flawed with imperfections and sometimes when I see someone as they really are, when there are not hiding behind and image it is easy to love them and see how other's love them and why god loves us. These thoughts make me feel peaceful. But sometimes I am scared that I am over my head, that I see to deep into things. I see corruption, evil that goes to far, in the world and in people. I don't want to be afraid of it because I still believe that good will overcome but it scared me to see that way that society seems to just accept everything, good and bad. I think we should acknowlege it's existence but condemn it as well. It seems so easy just lose yourself in it and I see people do it all the time. It is hard to keep a level head about thing the more you see of them. " the more you know the less you believe" But I want to beleive and I do. Yet I cannot ignore what is there. I think that my mother does in a way and she has chosen her point of veiw, a way for her to exist peacefuly in the world and not get lost or confused by it. But to me she seems sheltered and I don't want to live like that. I think I may have a brady bunch family. I believe that I am really lucky. My parents are still together, still in love. They have each other to get through life with. To tell each other that everything is ok and that it is not so bad and that no matter what they are together, and that is enough for them. The rest of the world is irrelevent at times and it is their own creation of a world that they live in. They don't see what they don't want to see and are perfectly content. I am different however and quite alone. I know myself though. At least I have that. I want to take a bigger part in the world than my parents. I want to make an impact on the way we all live. I want to make it better. It's so odd that everyone seems to say that or begins in life beleiveing that they can and so many give up and don't or get lost in what they are trying to help and change, losing sight of the big picture. I am afraid that I will. I don't want to be alone. I get depressed and my energy and motivation sink away from me when I think of trying to do anything on my own. I want to find someone who shares this ideology, someone who will see me as I am and as I will be. I want to grow together with someone. Maybe why I haven't had a serious relationship is because I am judging to soon. I always think about why they aren't the one, even before I give them a chance, and I am too picky. I am a walking contradiction. I will turn away anyone who is not the cute big manly type and then I will turn away the cute big manly type because they are too self involved and not sensitive enough or too physical. I can't see to find the right combination. I did find it! I found it and then I lost it. I don't even know what I did really. It was imposible from the beginning and I knew that. He lived five states north. We are in two totally different worlds. I only talked to him on the phone and I knew that I loved him. It makes me teary-eyed to think of what I could have had. I had woanted to see past these limitations and boundaries and make it work and so did he. He was all for it. He inspired me and made me believe that it would work. I beleived in him, in his words, perhaps folishly, naively, and then the bomb dropped. What I had hoped had finally come true only lasted a month and we called it off. The relationship had no where to go but down. I wish I thought about it rationally and protected myself, but I am also glad that I took the risk. I would be the same today without my experiences. I know that but looking back it seemed so obvious the outcome. I set myself right up for a fall. I knew all along that someday we would break up but I didn't know it would be so soon. I thought maybe it could by some miracle last. Now I still think of him often. I can't help it. I have never felt the way I do about him for anyone else. I am afraid of getting into another relationship but more I am afraid of caring so much because I think that I have a big heart and it is so easy for me to get attached and to love. I guess that has to do with being young. I don't think it is as easy for people as they get older. I think of this today and I am sad. I don't know if sad is the right word for how I feel because I am not unhappy really just incomplete. I want a fantasy I suppose. I want to meet someone who will see right through me and we can teach each other about each other and become better people. I want him to pick me up and hold me and for me to feel safe and certain that everthing is how it should be. I want him to see only me and make me feel special. I want him to think that he has never met anyone else like me and I am the greatest creature on earth to him and he will be the same to me, and nobody else can compare, nobody of the opposite sex seems as appealing. When our fingertips touch there is a tingling electric sensation, when our eyes meet we see the inner most parts of eachother and the world, the world we create around us. I don't want to be wrong and I don't want outside influences to braek us apart. I want a dream I am smirking at myself the way adults do when the go along with what you say and they are really thinking how niave you are how much more they know and it amuses them the knowing of what you are sure to find out through experience. I hope they are wrong though. I want to beleive that this could happen. "In the real world. " I doubt it is that easy but I wish it were. | 966 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 9 | My room is so dark and cold right now. I wish my roommate didn't like to sleep as much so that I can have lights on and have the blinds open. I call my room oppressive sometimes. But I like my roommate so I am willing to compromise for her. So far, she has proven herself to be a good person and above all, a good friend. Today, when I needed someone, she was there for me. Well, today I found out there was more to a story that my boyfriend told me. I was so hurt and tearful and angry. And I felt alone. He is one of my closest friends but I can't go to him now. And so I went to her. She was there and comforted me and gave me food, which is always a sign of good friendship. She gave me advice and stuff. But I am debating whether or not I am going to take it. See, I love my boyfriend so much. I can't see myself living without him. I don't know what to do. I feel likke he has deceived me and I honestly can't trust him anymore. Trust was the thibng that I sough in him. It was the thing that I could not find anywehre else. No one but him made trust available to me. And now that feelign is gone. I really do love him though, and I am hoping that love will get me through this, but it can only go so far. I have to think of my own feelings. I have to think of what is good for me too. I shouldn't be in a relationship where trust isn't there. I shouldn't put myself in a position where I will be hurt again and again. But on one note, this is the worst thing he has ever done. He loves me so much and cares for me so much. He wouldn't hurt me for no reason. But he didn't have a reason. well in a way he did. He didn't want to tell me the truth of the situation cause he knew I would get upset and be hurt, which is the way I am now. I just wished he had told me the truth and been honest with me. I always enjoyed how we were so open and honest with each other. Now, I feel like it can't be like that. I feel it will be like that not cause we want it to be but because he knows I don't trust him and therefore he has to be honest with me so I can trust him again. Depsite all of myfeelings for him, I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I shoudl forgive him completely, give him a third chance, or just dump him. I love him to much to let him go completely so there goes option nubmer 3 but I cannot forget what he did. It will always be on my mind. I will always recall the time he deceived me. I don't like feeling deceived. It makes me feel used and disgusted with myself. I honestly feel like curling up in bed with the lights off. But then I would be doing as my roommate does. I wonder what he is thinking now. I wonder if he is really sorry for what he did. I wonder if he cares about me as much as he says he does. I can't fathom what is going on through his head. He is always thinking about stuff. He denies it but you can tell. YOu can alawys tell with soemone like that. I really do love him. I really really do. And my heart tears every time he does bad stuff to me. But this is his first time to do anything this bad. Usually he makes small mistakes like neglecting to do something. This is big. He hid something important from me. Well. . yeah he did lie to me before. And I forgave him cause it was not really that important of a lie. It was jsut the fact that he lied to me that hurt. It breaks my trust and ruins all of the faith that I have in him. I have faith in such few things. Like, I love all of my high school friends, but I know that they weren't the best to me at times. THey would leave me out and ignore me at times. My boyfriend has always proven not to be like that. He is there for me when I need him. Maybe we should be friends instead of boyfriend/girlfriend. But we tried that in the beginning and eight months later we are in love. It is probably inevitable that if we do become friends again, we would fall in love again. Our personalities are like that. We are really good together like that. Everyone says so and I feel it. I feel a connection to him that I have never felt with anyone else. It is the strongest bond that I could ever have or ever will have. I can't tell anyone how much he means to me. If they do ask, I tell them that he means the world to me. Oh God, I think I've turned to one of those codependent girls that I've always hated. Ugh, I hope not. I hate to be like. Hopfeully i am not. | 1,673 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 20 | Aug. 31 Note: I wrote this paper over a week ago and I am just now typing it. You said we could write it down first and then type it. I have finally found the inspiration to write this paper. Today is August 31. The time is 1:30 A. M. I am watching television and at the same time trying to write this paper. Today is a very sad day for many . The new of Princess Dianas death has just unfolded. It is very strange that every time a prominent "celeb" dies the world acts as if they knew them personally. I case in Princess Diana's death the world did kind of know her rather intimately since her life was unfortunately always being publicized. I just looked around my room watching my roommate and another one of my friends gasp in horror of the tragic news. The newscasters are explaining how her death occurred. I think she was a very lucky woman and very unfortunate at the same time. Diana's "Princess fairy tale" seems to be more a tale of horror. I keep thinking about her children. I think their mother was the only one who truly let them know what being young and living life was all about. I think that small ounce of joy will die with her death. My sweetmate just walked in. It seems all of a sudden we've got a party in our room . It's very hard to concentrate on writing this paper and listen to the news all at the same time. The phone is ringing. I hope it's not for me. I always get interrupted when I doing something important. The phone is for my roommate. Her mom calls twice a day at the same time every day to check how my roommate is doing. Maybe she heard the new of Diana and it made her even more anxious to call. Whenever someone dies it always reminds us of what is most important. The time is 1:41 A. M. I am really getting tired and it's hard to write this paper, but if this paper means making the grade I want, I guess I'm going to have to force myself to keep going. They are discussing the "fairytale" wedding and Prince "charming" . It seem ver sad that she only experience the fairytale for such a short period of time. This whole disaster is making me ver nostalgic. I'm starting to think about some of the friends I lost in reckless accidents. The only difference is , they died from their own irresponsible actions. I'm thinking about a friend of my, I suppose we can call her "Sorry" because her life really is a sorry tale. She is a girl who possessed so much potential and ability, but ruined it because she decided she cared more about drinking, driving, and fun more than her future. Her irresponsible ways killed a friend who was in the same car. This friend was pregnant. Two lives lost in 1 instant. Three other lives in the car were saved by fate I suppose. "Sorry continues to drink, drive, and live recklessly. I have lost alot of respect for her. I kind of think her current actions are more sign of self-destruction. I guess she feels her future fun times are going to be cut off very soon and she might as well have fun while she can. Her court date for involuntary manslaughter is coming up. I wonder how reckless "Sorry" can be in prison. | 106 |
1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 24 | As soon as I am done with this I plan to go over to my friends, maybe to the gym. I don't really feel much like working. My biggest concern for this semester will be motivation my self to do the requried work. My telephone just rang. My air conditioner seems louder than all of the other ones that I have heard. Right now I am rather thirsty, having just walked the campus with my uncle and cousin. We ate at Wendy's and the food was salty. I wish I was in a cold swimming pool right now. This weekend was fun. We went swimming in the lake. College is kind of wierd not having my family around all of the time. I dont' miss them terribly, but I just feel strange without having them around to talk to for a few seconds of joke with. Classes have not been that hard these first several days, and I am wondering if they will pick up greatly as far as difficulty is concerned. Now I seem to have nothing on my mind. I am just staring at the computer screen. All I really need to do tonight is work on a few calculus problems. My neck is still a little sore. I will take some aspirin later. I will check my mailbox later today. My bare feet are getting cold on the tile floor. Now I am not really thinking of much. I feel like resting on my bed for about ten minutes before I head out of my room. In fact, right when I am finished writing this I am going to lay on my bed. I am ready to get into the full swing of college classes. Only about 90 days until Christmas break. | 1,737 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | why am I so stressed out is it school or is it what is going on in my life, I have no clue. Its probably becasue I'm a freshman or is it because I just don't know what I'm am doing in this school, it's too hard. I don't know how to work the computer system, I have tons of homework, and its all catching up to me at the same time, it's unreal. I'm so bogged down with work and I have so much stuff to do but I'm sitting here typing on my computer on something that I don't know will even get sent to you. My friends are talking to me while I'm trying to write this assignment, and I can't' make my mind focus on on certain thing at all, the music is too loud and I have people trying to talk to me over the internet. these blinking lights are pissing me off I wish these people would shut up and let me tend to my business at hand. I need to read, do my pre cal and I just don't have the time. I don't know how to do my physical science lab, and reading just takes too muck time. I have a date tonight, I don't have time to take them out, but I have to or that wouldn't be nice, I'm going through rush and that takes up more time than anything. I can't' deal with this anymore. I'ts starting to drive me crazy , but hopefully soon I will get used to it. Its such a change from senior year to freshman year of college. you go from doing nothing basically to have to read every night and do all sorts of written assignment, it's impossible twenty minutes is up got to run | 877 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 16 | Hello, my name is Jason. I felt like I needed to introduce myself since someone will be reading this assignment, and I am not familiar with that person. Anyhow, lets talk about some stuff. Hmm, where should I begin? I was born in Alice. If your thinking this is like a biography, then I think that you will be wrong. However, back to what I was saying. I don't really like traveling to Alice, TX. I find it kind of boring because I don't have anyone over there that is my age. All of my relatives are much older than I. These people don't tend to interest me because they are always bogged down with the problems that they create. Lets talk about my uncle for instance. I will not mention his name, however, he was. I mean is a drug addict and is constantly in and out of jail. Why would I be interested in going and visiting him unless I wanted some crack or something? He is a liar anyways, and I don't like affiliating myself with those kinds of people. Speaking of the kind of people I affiliate (if that's even how u spell the word) myself with, I think that I accidentally roomed with a gay person this semester. Had to look over my shoulder to make sure he's not behind me or something. However, he makes a lot of homosexual remarks, and although he says he is just playing, I think he does it all too frequently to be playing around. Anyways, I'm sick of talking about him because that guy is more and more annoying everyday. Lets talk about my big brother. Now this guy is someone who has his crap cut out. This is the reason that I look up to him. He knows how to manage his time, talk to his gf on the telephone for hours at a time, go out on the weekends, and still get all A's! I have to admit that I am somewhat jealous. However, he does help me out and gives really great advice. When he tutors me, I feel like he teaches better than a lot of professors. Maybe this is because he has known me for so long and knows how I retain material. He is two years older than me, but I am tired of talking about him because he always hogs the damn spotlight. Lets talk about my boxing, because that always gets me the respect and acknowledgement that I feel is so precious to a person. I hated not being respected. It made me sick to my stomach when someone would cut me in line or throw a pencil or whatnot at me and I couldn't do anything about it because that person had a physical strength advantage over me. However, I put an end to all that crap when I joined the boxing team in the summer of my freshman year in high school. I learned how to fight the hard way though. My coach sucked and didn't teach me a thing, so I just kept fighting and watching fights and picked up on different styles and tricks of the trade. I adopted a slugger's style of fighting. The reason is because my foot movement was never all that great. My strength began to get developed when I began lifting weights in my freshman year, and it suited my fighting style great. That year, a couple of kids decided to mess with me, so I took them to the mat room (part of the gym in my high school), and floored them one by one. Man it was great, the respect that those fights generated was awesome. From then on out, word of mouth about those fights got me my respect. I didn't even have to fight anymore! But I kept on because I got too competitive and I kind of liked it. Currently, I'm undefeated in my hometown. However, I was just an average fighter when it came to the Golden Gloves. I stopped when I started college. That's enough of that. My father is the next person I want to discuss. He has worked his way from rock bottom, and I admire that. He slept in a car for 6 months and bathed in a nearby river when he was working in maintenance away (for a railroad company called Southern Pacific). He helps us out so much and he's funding my tuition for college all by himself (cause my mom divorced him a couple of years ago). I still love her and all, I just don't agree with anything she does. She seems to have tunnel vision, u know what I mean? Let me explain because my time here is almost up. She is one of those people who will see something she wants, and direct all of her attention to acquiring that one thing, no matter who she hurts. Today she seems more like a stranger, cause I don't see her all that much. She didn't invite me to her wedding. My time is up. Talk to u later. Bye | 2,268 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 8 | I am so mad right now. I have tried so many times to go to the Internet site for this class, and it says error. The URL. I am upset. This thing is due Friday. So now I'm in word, waiting for the stupid site to be fixed. I just got off the phone and the conversation made no sense. There was a party in the town I am from, and some guy got stabbed and died. He was 35 and from San Antonio. The weird thing is that no one knows who stabbed him. Now to me this makes no sense. They were at a PARTY. There are usually people everywhere. Oh well. I have a lot of stuff to do. Me and Allison are going apartment hunting tomorrow. It's weird, I've only known her since I moved here in August, and already we are good friends and plan on living together next year. We want to live at Orange Tree because it's cute. I looked on the Internet for some info on it, and there is none. I think it is stupid that we have to go apartment shopping in September for a place we won't move into for almost a year. Oh well, we are doing it now so we don't get screwed. I was just talking to Corey, my cute boyfriend, and I was telling him about the pleasure center in mice and how different it was from humans. I always tell him what I've learned in class because it helps me remember it. I feel sorry for him, I wouldn't want to hear it if I were him. He's so nice like that. I ordered cookies last night from Tiffany's Treats, they deliver freshly cooked cookies to your door. Anyway, I was in a friend's room at Hardin Housewhich I hate and we were talking about boyfriends and stuff. I told them I want to get married on November 19, 2005 to Corey. They laughed and asked why, so I told them. We've actually talked about marriage, and we both love each other that much, so it's cool. We want to live together in a couple of years. Actually he is going to live near us at Orange Tree if at all possible. He has a brother who is a year younger, Codey, who is a pothead. He has a girlfriend Amy, who I don't like. She's only a freshman in high school, but she doesn't belong with him. Corey and Codey are total opposites. I have a lot of work to do. Tonight I have to do calculus, read for my freshman seminar, and do my Italian work. I got a quiz back today from that class, and I got a 75. I was so upset. I'm used to A's. Italian is not a required course for my major, so I was wondering if I could take it pass/fail. That would be good, then it couldn't bring down my GPA. I need to ask some one about that. I hate my roommate and suitemate. They are so damn loud. Caroline, the suitemate has people over now who are very loud. I like it quite, but that doesn't happen here at Hardin House. I went through rush this year and got a bid from A Chi O, but I decided not to pledge. I am glad I didn't because they are out all of the time, and I'm taking 16 hours this and every other semester. I want to finish in three years, so I have to take 16 hours every semester, and 6 in each summer session. That's cool with me though, since I don't feel really comfortable here. My dad is an accountant for the Floresville ISD, in Floresville, TX. We don't have the major bucks, which is totally opposite from the girls that live here. We aren't poor by any means. I have a 2000 Eclipse which my dad got me for my birthday last year. My brother is premed here at UT. Actually, he's supposed to graduate in December. He took an extra semester to take some business courses. He's really smart, but he likes to party. He was a Fiji, and that is just a synonym for partier. I don't like to party much at all. If I didn't have Corey, I'd probably party, but I'm just not compelled to get drunk on Friday and Saturday and spend Sunday recuperating. That is not my idea of a good time. It used to be though. My sophomore year, I was the party queen. I have never done drugs in my life. No pot, coke, or anything. I did drink a lot, but I don't anymore. The last time I got drunk was a "Roundup" in April. I threw up on my own shoe. Needless to say, I don't do that anymore. Corey has never been drunk before. He's so innocent to meet, but only I know the "real" him. I think that's cool. I just got an email from my exboyfriend. We dated for almost a year and a half, but I had to break up with him because I liked Corey more. Me and Corey will have been together for 10 months on 092000. He's so wonderful. I'm obsessed with him, which is okay by me. I'd do anything for him. My birthday is the day of the Houston game. My family is coming down and so is Corey (he's only a senior). We are planning on going to Hudson's on the Bend, which is one of my absolute favorite places ever. We ate at the Oasis on Friday. We got lost, but it was still fun. I was so scared when we got to my brother's house. He lives on the east side of 35 which is really scary. We were trying to unlock the door, and a car parked across the street and watched up get in. | 1,137 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 22 | I don't understand many of the girls on my hall. They are all so immature and obnoxious. I want to meet mew people but I have a hard time giving any of these girls a real chance. I miss my little sisters and worry about them. My mother worries a lot about all of the things they may get into that are bad for them. I kind of screwed things up for them. I shouldn't have gotten into so much trouble in high school. It was fun though. I am so far away from anything I am familiar with. I have been away from home many times and it does not bother me. I did not realize being in school would disruot my comfort zone in the way that it has. I want to experience Austin but have no on to experience it with and am afraid to go out alone, especially at night. I feel full and I love ice cream. I am very tierd for no reason at all. I am worried that I will not be able to find some really good friends. I am excited. I got a really good wristband for the OU game. Hell yeah!!! I went to dinner with one of my neighbors tonight and I just know everything she said to me was a total crock of shit. I don't understand why people lie like that, maybe she is an obssessive compulsive liar. I hate computers, I hate how the entire system of life is now dominated by them. They are just machines, not people. American's are so detatched. September eleventh is tomorrow. The last stream of conciousness I did was about Jimmy Buffet and Peeps. I love Peeps. Why do they only make them at Easter. Just like egg nog at Christmas. You can only have egg nog at Christmas though. It's like an overload of egg nog if you have a lot of it. Moderation is important. My roomie is nothing like me. How in the hell did we end up living together. It's because my mom altered my questionaire. The lack of freedom!!!!! I think it is awful that they put animals into zoos. That should be illegal. They could have rehab clinics for the ones that they rescue but they shouldnt make their mony off of people coming in to look at them. I talked to a guy that was a Comp something or other major and when I asked him what that was he said he didn't know!! How can you not know what your major is??? That is just wrong. I think he was just messing with me. I went to ground zero, it really impacted me in a different way. I never know if I am ding stream of conciousness writing the right way. There is no right way though. I HATE COMPUTERS. Typing was invented by the devil. The home keys??? I just hate them. Music is so important to us. I wish I had a larger vocabulary. Why do people use people? I only have a little bit left. When I work out only 10 seconds or a single repetition can last forever. I guess I'm feelin' alright. It's all going to be good in the end. | 1,695 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 23 | It's 11:30 and my roommates still aren't up. Do I like them? Do I hate them? It's goes back and forth. I'm sure they have their good qualities, but damnit - it's 11:30. I am now feeling the sensation of eye drops in my eye, and dripping down my cheek. I have pink eye - who gets pink eye except little kids? I guess I do. Thinking, what am I thinking. I am hoping I do not gain weight at college! Last night was fun, it's nice to meet new people even though some of them were scary! I can't believe that guy got beat up! I hope I don't fail out of college in my first semester. Rumor has it, at UT they give you the first full year - then it's tough luck. We'll see. Maybe my homesickness will vanish before it majorly appears if I m home after a year. Home - I hate home. No I don't, I love it. But some of the people I had to escape. Andrew, I thought I loved him! He loved me! What the hell happened? Why won't he try to talk to me? I'm not a bad person - or am I? Jesus, I tell you - I just don't have a plesant history with the men. I need to brush my teeth. The Raisin Bran was really nice though - I can still taste it. It doesn't taste as good when the morning breath is mixing with the flavor of such sweet cereal. I wonder what my brother is doing. What my friends are doing, what my parents are doing! I hope everyone is OK. I hope my parents are doing well. I hope they're adjusting to having no kids at home. I really miss them, they're the best. I have to do well here for them. I wonder if they'd let me move back in with them. I could do housework or yardwork for room and board - sure, they'd like that. No work for them, just plesant little Beth home again. No, I'll do fine. It's up to me to do what I need to do. I wonder who's going to read this. I wonder what they'll think of me. I hope I don't have psychopathic tendencies! That would be great - there's that girl Beth, PSYCHO! Haha, I wonder if that's what people think of me now. ISn't it funny you can go through life and never know what another person is thinking? I mean, sure, you can say you know - but the bottom line is you never really will. That's so crazy. Most of the time I don't even know what I'm thinking! Wow, this world is really crazy. This assignment is making me philosophical. I kind of like it. Do I sound like a genius? Oh, IMs are popping up. How nice it is to be able to speak to people over the internet. It's kind of sad though. I'd much rather talk on the phone - or would I? I suppose it, like everything, has it's ups and downs. I wonder what Andrew is doing now. If he's met a new girl. Or even if he's hooking up with my friends. Or should I say, friends . Craziness. You think you know a person. What am I talking about? I knew him for four days. But he'd never had a history of being an ass. I wonder what'll happen when I go home. WIll anything? Everything happens for a reason. I'll just keep believing that. I wonder what tests I'll get into for this class. I'm interested in the experiments. Hmmm. I am tired. I can't smell a damn thing. Or can I? That smell of nothingness. Is that even something? It has to be, otherwise it wouldn't be there. Yes, I am smelling nothingness. It's not too bad. It would be awesome if nothingness had a wonderful smell, like cherries, or fruit. But then I wouldn't appreciate the smell of those things otherwise, so I suppose nothingness is better. Wow, God was smart. He had it all planned out. I wonder if he's watching me now. I hope I'm not disappointing him. Sometimes I think I'm a disappointment. But, I'm not so bad I guess. My roommates are still sleeping. Who are these people? Am I a bitch? I can't help it - they're nothing like me. NOt that that's bad, but we share nothing in common. I wonder if they hate me. That would be funny. Another story to tell the kids. Crazy Beth and the roommates that hated her. I am so weird. I am so tired. I will go to the gym. I will lose weight so I will go home and be sexy and hot. No, I'm not doing it to go home, I'm doing it for me. I want to be confident. I wonder what it's like to be confident. My stomach is grumbling. Wow, along with smelling nothing, I am hearing nothing. Well, that's not true - aside from the clicking of the keyboard I am hearing something similiar to silence. Even though it's not silence - there are faint sounds of insects shirping and doing their things, but it's close to silence. Or is it? I don't think I've ever heard, or experienced silence. You can't hear silence can you? If a tree falls and no ones around to hear it, does it make a sound? How the hell am I supposed to know?! I would like to sit down and have a little chat with God one of these days. Maybe I should go to church more often. Well, maybe I should go to church period. But I've been before and it never answered my questions. It just made me wake up earlier. I used to be scared of Church. I think I was 10 years old and questioning my existence - is that healthy? I know it made me different. Wow, I am an interesting person. I'm so suprised that I've typed to this extent. I hope all goes well and I get credit. I really like this psychology stuff. 500 people in a class - that's crazy. And I know no one. I will meet people. I can't imagine standing and talking in front of 500 people for an hour and a half. Jesus. I don't know if I could stand up for an hour and a half let alone talk that long. 20 seconds. That's all I have. Well, God Bless America. God Speed. | 1,636 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 11 | I'm sitting here writing for psychology class. I don't know what to write but oh well. Well I went to play tennis today because I'm going to tryout to be a walk-on for the team. I really don't knowif I will make the team but I'm going to try out anyway I just hope that I'm not the worst one out there. I wonder how and if I will be going to the OU and Texas A&M games. I really want to go. Man it would just be so cool to go. I would get to see all the good-looking football players (especially my man Major Applewhite). MAn, he is just so cute. I think about him a lot. I have developed a little bit of an obsession with him. He just looks like he would be a cool person totalk to. I really want to write him a letter to tell him how big of a fan I am. He has worked really hard to get where he is right now and he is just a big inspiration for me. Oh man to get to talk tohim would be the bomb. I don't know though because he has a girlfriend and that just isn't cool. Ah. My friend Matt e-mailed me today. He is just so weird. I don't know. I feel like I should go to Gregory to work out today but I just played tennis this morning. I don't know. My eyes are being really annoying. What? I am really straining to see the screen now. Man, the Backstreet Boys are really cool. I'm going to see there concert in New Orleans and it is going to be really cool. Ah, Nick, he looks good. I can;t believe that he did that announcement for the radio station here. I wonder if I will win that contest at Sears. Oh to go shopping with Nick. I wonder how Alisha is on the tennis team. Why am I thinking about her? I wonder what Robin is doing? Man, I must feel really guilty about Robin and Brooke because UI think aobut them a lot. I wonder what TAsha and Nance are doing. Oh and Jennifer too. Amy and her roommate sound like they are tight. I wonder what Austin College is like. Wow, it is a small school. I love U. t. it is the greatest. Yeah. My feet hurt from the way I ;m sitting. A hotel room for the OU game . I wonder how many people could fit in my room for the A&M game. I wonder if Kristine and Matt are going to want to go to the game. Yeah, I'll ask them tonight. What is in my eyes, they are going crazy. I wonder how much time there is left. Who just sneezed in the hallway. Oh, coughed. Wow! What am I going to write about next. I keep looking at the calender of Kristine's out of the corner of my eye. Yani is chewing her gum loud. I'm probably bothering her. Yeah, the PCL. What? Why am I thinking about the PCL. My nose itches. I have to go do the experiment tomorrow. I wonder what they'll make me do. I hope I won't be with weird people tomorrow. Somebody slammed the door. I wonder what and who is playing at the U. s. Open. I really hope that Andre Agassi doesn't win. My eyes are still going crazy. My ring is cool. I wonder who filed a complaint against us. My eyes. Who is talking out in the hall? I don't know. Yeah, I'm just sitting here typing. The microwave is freaking out. How do I type. I wonder how long this is going to be. My gum is kind of gross right nowbut now I;m popping it. Yeah bubbles. Oh that is the name of the group for the Texas A&m game draw. My eyes. I love to get the crap out of my eyes. TExas A&M. I really don't like them. I wonder if Yani is getting anything done with me typing away. The sink. What my eyes. I coughed because I couldn't breath really well. My eyes. Waht is my problem my arm hurts a little bit. The light keeps flashing really quickly . My fingers are gay. Yeah Dentene Ice and the Torch Parade. This computer looks funny,It looks like it has ears. and my wrists are really weird I wonder what kind of coffee shops are good. I want to go look at the one on the Drag. The Drag. Sometimes the people I see on the Drag are weird. They have weird color hair. I don't knwo. I really want a camera with a zoom lense so I can take cool pictures at the BSB concert. Airport The Drag. And I wonder if we are going to go in a hotel close to the arena. My eye. and yeah. I don't know what I ;m thinking. Some girls are out in the hall. | 954 |
1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 26 | At this time in my life, my feelings have been tossed around in my mind. My stress level at the moment is much then I think that it has ever been. From what I have heard, the degree of difficulty in college is the highest possible. This worries me because I know that I am able of fulfilling my college experience, but the problem for me will be if I am able to apply myself. Application is an important aspect of college, and I really do not know if I will be able to focus as much as I should on my schoolwork. Another thing that has raised my stress level is women. With women, my mind has many feelings. One minute I will want to be with my old girlfriend, and the next I want to be with a new girl. My mind thinks about it consistently. Sometimes in class I find my mind drifting into places that it should not. This is when my brain realizes that I need to be focusing more on school in order to fulfill my dream. The stress in my life eventually comes to raise my anger level, at least that is the way I see it. When I get stressed out, I tend to want to release my anger by playing hockey. I feel that it helps me release my stress and my anger because it is something that will always be there for me, and my mind knows that it will be. Therefore, I tend to play better when I am angered because I become more aggressive. At least this is what I have noticed while playing. Feelings are a strange thing. The stuff above, I wrote about two days ago. Now it seems as if my whole perspective on life has changed. My mind has just switched due to a few events that have probably changed the whole outcome of my life. My mind used to hate all schoolwork what so ever, but now that I have grown physically and mentally, I actually enjoy reading and learning new information. I do not know why it intrigues me, but for some reason it does and I like it. I have recently discovered that I love math and I believe that it is what I would like to do with my life. I am considering strongly of changing majors from business to some field of mathematics. I believe that it would be really interesting to be able to be a professor for a math class or to do something else in life that involves complications in mathematics. The thing is, I am afraid to change my major, because I kind of think that I might regret. Getting into the business school is a hard thing to do at the University of Texas, and many people would consider it a stupid thing to get out of it. But from what I have seen so far in BA101 it does not seem as interesting to me as math. I like math so much because there is pretty much always a way to compute the answer to a problem. Knowing and understanding how and why the fundamentals work is the hardest and most time consuming part of math. But once one understands the fundamentals of math, they are capable of doing any form of math problem similar to the one that they understand. For many people, math is the enemy of all subjects. I personally do not like memorizing history or stupid biology stuff. I believe that is why I like math so much, because it is much easier for me to relate to. In a way, my body almost feels deprived because I have not played hockey in nearly 3 weeks. When I used to play at least 3 times a week. I feel like I am not exercising and that I am becoming unhealthy. This weekend, I will hopefully be able to satisfy this hunger for hockey when I go home. Hockey is most likely my favorite thing to do in life, I believe that it is because of the adrenaline rush and it helps relieve stress. Without it, I think my stress level is higher then normal because the stress is not relieved like it is used to being released. College should be an interesting experience. What is to come I do not really know yet, but I am sure that it will be a very interesting experience. Like my sister said, just make sure that you have as much fun as possible and make as good of grades as possible. | 1,309 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 23 | I am sitting at my computer listening to my roommate singing in the background. I can't really smell anything because I'm getting over a cold. I'm thinking about last night. My sorority had a party at Antone's and my date just didn't show up. I've been considering for the last few hours what kind of excuse he is going to come up with this morning. Either way he owes me big time. Now I'm listening to the Doors, again accompanied by my roommate singing and me a little with her. I trying to think of what to write about in this stream of consciousness. I have a class today that I have to read for before 2 o'clock. I really don't feel like reading for that class, but I guess I have to. It's biology and I like the class, but I just caught up with the reading yesterday and then now we have to read a another whole chapter which I am not to excited about. My foot is starting to hurt because I was sitting on it weird, adn now it's asleep. I hate the feeling you get when your foot is trying to wake back up I guess you would call it. This CD that I'm listening to has quite a mix on it. now we're listening to the beatles. It's not my CD or I would know what is on it. I wonder if they will ever completely stop illegal downloading of music on the internet. I mean there's no really way that you can stop anything on the internet. It's too vast and someone will allays think of a way to get around things. I have a download capability on my computer but I don't use it all that often, so I doubt the people like me are the ones they are really after. I understand that some musicians are angry because it takes away from their profits, but downloading allows the person to listen to their music, decide if they like it or not, and then decide to buy the cd. Many of the songs that you download on the internet are not the best quality, so it is easier to just go out and buy the CD. I have no idea who this song playing is by. I still have exes on my hands from the bar last night, I really need to try and wash them off before I forget about it and go to class with them still on. I don't like the way they write exes on your hands. Is not one hand enough? They really don't need to mark both of them. I don't even think you could wash them off in the bathroom of the bar if you wanted to. There would be too much of a chance that they would catch you and throw you out, which would be really embarrassing. Last night was okay, it was not nearly as much fun as I was expecting it to be. Well maybe if my date had showed up, it would've been more fun. I'm not too worried about it though, my boyfriend comes into town tonight so I'm more excited about that. He is not coming in until much later though, I wish he could come earlier. I also need to make sure my friend is going to come up for Lion Hunt, another thing that the sorority throws. Life is so hectic at college, I don't ahve time to really do anything. I don't know how some people do it. They can just go to class, not do any of the reading and be okay with that. If I'm behind in a class it bothers me until I get it done. Then after I sit down and do the reading or the homework, everything's so much better. All I did yesterday afternoon was read. I'm caught up in psychology and journalism finally. But then next week, the cycle starts all over again. I guess that's why I feel like I'm never caught up completely. We're listening to School's Out for Summer", I wish it was! But that won't happen for a very very long time. But I had fun this summer. I didn't have a job, so I got to do whatever I wanted. It was fun. I really need to straighten up my room, it's got clothes everywhere. They're all clean but thrown around from when I was trying to figure out what to wear last night. I need to go to the grocery store too, I'm out of bottled water and drinks. I need to get more hangers too. Ok enough of this random writing, my 20 minutes are up. | 1,973 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 | I feel really crappy, today, I didn't get enough sleep last night. I think part of it is the Texas loss on Saturday, especially the way they loss. Least the Cowboys won last night. So far I haven't been very home sick. It might be because my roommate went to the same high school as I did. I have also been able to talk to my parents a lot because of instant chat. My mom wnts to get a web cam so she can actually see me. I think she has a hard time with me leaving, I'm the first child to leave home. The network here at UT is really cool. The connect rates are really fast. I had a crummy 28. 8 modem at home. My dad was going to get DSL, but we lived to far from the central office, that sucks. I'm really hungry now. I'm not hungry in the morning, but halfway through class, my stomach starts to hurt. It's probably because I'm used to sleeping late and not eating breakfast at all. 10 min to go. I'm not taking an English this year. That's good. I don't like to write papers very much. You might write a paper you feel is perfectly valid, but turns out to be wrong. Yet you put so much work into it. 6 min. Milk tastes pretty good. I'm used to 2% at home, but here, my roomate and I just buy the full vitamin D milk, yum. I hope there isn't a writing length, I'm having sensation block. 3 min. Time is almost up. Might take a nap, my next class isn't for another 5 hours. I don't have classes on Fridays which is so cool. 1 min. My alarm is about to go off. Set it for 20 min, so I wouldn't write too much. Time's up. | 979 |
0 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 13 | I really don't know the first thing to say in this paper. I know I was confused about what to do, but there is really no confusion to it. is there? I don't know why I am talking to the computer like it is really going to talk back to me. Well, what am I thinking. I first want to know why it is so darn cold in all of these buildings, like I am about to freeze now in the computer lab at Kinsolving, and my roommate is talking to me about her boyfriend coming to see her today. Hell, I hate men right about now, because my man and I broke up a few weeks ago, before I came to school because he can't handle being in a serious relationship, that just happens to be long distance. I just don't know what the problem is. I mean if I am capable of being faithful, which has come pretty hard for me in the past, then I can be in a committed relationship. God, I need to get these nails off of my fingers because I keep messing up and having to backspace all the time. I think I'll get them soaked off tomorrow, after I get my navel pierced. I must seem like a really superficial person considering some of the things that are running through my mind. My fingers are starting to hurt because I am having to work extra hard because I have on these freaking nails. I just saw the number one in the tower on the computer screen that this boy just showed me. He looked so young, and he was actually kind of cute, but not tall enough. I know I just said that I hate men, but that was a lie. I can't live without them. Especially the tall ones that play basketball or run track or something. God, I want a man! I wonder how I would sound of I started talking all philosophical and stuff. I am not the type to go into deep analytical thinking, and I bet you are say, then why are you in my class. I think that the you are cool. I mean Prof. Pennebaker seems to be cool, but anyway. I am so bored right now, I have to braid this dude's hair, and I kind of don't want to, but he's going to pay me and I need some money, soon, and there is some back to school thing in the business atrium tonight. I guess I will go for a little while, not too long because I have a class at 930 in the morning, and it just happens to be calculus, and my damn teacher can't even speak english all the way. Why would the math department of all departments have teachers that students can't understand? I don't freaking get it. It's one of the hardest subjects at this school, and someone that is a first year teacher and can't speak english is teaching the class. WHY? Are the powers that be trying to torture me? Well, whatever happens, I will stay prayed up and depend on the lord to help me through this tough class. I just thought about something, I am not going to be able to go home this weekend because my parents are going to Oklahoma for Labor Day to visit my auntie Bev, and my Uncle Lawrence. I wonder how Precious is doing. I hope she still isn't messing with that idiot Kevin, like I think she still is. when will she ever learn, men that pray on you, and want all of your money, and wreck your car are not good boyfriend material. I mean, I know that I have had some trouble in the past dealing with idiot men, but I learned my lesson. I want to find me someone to act right and help me along the way when I need it. Is that too much to ask for? Gee, I can go on and on about men, and the experience s that I have had with them, but that is old and I am in a new place, and have to meet new men, and make new friends and most of all make awesome grades so that I can be on the dean's list like I want to be, and make the cheerleading team this year is going to prove to be a great one, and I hope that the lord blesses me do do well in all that I do this year and my years to come. I know that I am capable of doing it all, but I just want to survive. This city is filled with opportunity, and it's all mine for the taking! | 1,390 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 22 | well here i am, just sitting and typing. I've had a pretty long day, in fact. it was pretty horrible! thursdays are my really long days - I've got class til 7, what a drag. but the great thing is that im done for the week! hmm, but tonight was a letdown. i was supposed to go out with this really really hot girl, but i found out that she was working - i mean, not that we had this planned, but my best friend has been pushing me to ask her out because, according to him, shes 'dying to get with me' - whatever. shes incredibly hot, and every guy wants her, so why would she want me? thats what i think anyway. matt, my best friend, says that shes called me the hottest asian guy shes ever laid eyes on. i think thats a pretty big stretch of the truth. i think i really do have self esteem issues underneath it all. i just broke up with my girlfriend of 8 (or 9?) months. it happened over the summer. i was really in love with her. i could venture to say that i still am, but that would further jeapordize my . 05 percent chance of staying friends with her (sarcasm) - we were really good together, and when we parted ways for the summer we both cried. we had just said the big L-word that month, and in my eyes at least the relationship was just getting good. then the summer started. i was here, being back in school from a semester hiatus (to find myself, i guess. and it worked, because now i know what im doing) - thats a different story. things started out great, we would talk to each other on the phone and online whenever we could. then one day i noticed that it had been a week since we had talked to each other. this was test week for me, i believe, so my attention was elsewhere. but that isnt the reason we broke up, it was just the reason that i didnt see what was happening - when i noticed that maggie (my ex) hadnt called in awhile, i became worried and called her. she was very distant. it continued this way for another month, and i think i talked to her once during that month. then she came to visit me, and i was really excited because, while i could feel that the relationship was straining, i thought that once we saw each other things would go back to normal. boy was i wrong! maggie walked up to me with tears in her eyes. she was hiding behind a pair of sunglasses though. the shock put me into a state of complacency. first, i totally brushed off her crying and was oddly cheerful, then she said 'let's take a walk' and it hit me like a brick wall. but i wasnt ever sad, because. i coudlnt be, i coudlnt make an emotion at all. i think that it was the closest that I've ever been to being a vegetable. all i could do was tell her things i didnt mean, like how i loved her and just wanted her to be happy, and that i wanted to be with her but not if she wasnt happy, and i could only be happy if she was happy. basically, i said the exact oppossite of everything i felt. no, i did not want to break up, yes i wnated to make things work. her reasons. her reasons were that we never fought. that we never did anything. that all we did was just be with each other and nothing else. that she had been very unhappy and got into a self-destructive lifestyle that made her look as bad as she felt. furthermore, while she was at home she made a lot of new friends and for once she felt like she was accepted. i think i hit everything, im not sure, but all her reasons made no sense to me - ok, we never did anything, but 1) i always wanted to go out, and she was always too tired. she would crawl into my arms and we would just lay in bed, watching tv 2) she came over to be depressed with me, and she got what she wanted, i mean, there was nothing i could do to make her have fun. and she was unhappy, but so was i (i was kicked out of school!) - put 2 unhappy people together and. well you get the idea. but you know what? - i saw that too, and i wanted to make things work this fall, because i knew that we would both be better individuals (damn my optimism). and she said that she got into a self-destructive lifestyle (she meant eating takeout all the time and just sitting on our asses, doing nothing, gaining weight) - 1) maggie is incredibly good looking, very pretty, and i told her that a lot because its true. she has a very low self esteem, just like i do, so maybe im being a hypocrite. and the 'weight' she gained was easily lost as is apparent by the last time i saw her, about 2 weeks ago. and the last part is the coldest one of all, but i don't think i meant much to her, i mean, i was her first boyfriend, and i thought we meant a lot to each other, but i guess when i told her how great she was, it meant nothing. it wasnt until she had a whole bunch of random guys back home tell her that it sunk in, and i guess suddenly she saw all these other choices. really, all her excuses boiled down to the fact that she HAS her pick of any guy, and that all of a sudden her love and affection for me seemed, to her, to be misplaced. i just think that i was thrown to the curb for someone better, but who knows! im still in love with her, and im trying to chase after ashley for all the wrong reasons. just because i need a girl in my life. but more than anything, i want maggie back. god, were not even friends anymore, and thats what we were both trying to never | 1,857 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 30 | I wish it was Friday actually I wish it was next Friday then I would be going home vacuums really bug me I want to change the channel but I don't want to get up but duck tales really sucks and even though Im not even watching it and just hearing it bugs me I guess that's something you just have to deal with if you're lazy I want to talk to Stephen but I dont want to call him because I called last but he hasn't called me which really doesn't make much sense but guys don't make any sense anyway so its ok I don't want to go to calculus tomorrow but I should because Ive already missed it twice I wish it would rain I want to get caught in the rain I want some Dr pepper but I dont want to go buy some because I don't want to spend the money I want to get an exhaust even though I haven't even found anybody to race up here I should write to Christina I need to check the mail who cares about the kennedys I hope I have some mail but I really doubt it I never get mail my room looks so boring I don't like living in a dorm it really sucks but I guess this is better than jester it's kind of hard to think and write at the same time I hate typing why are her clothes still hanging there what's wrong with using the dryer I need to do laundry double your pleasure double your fun my boobs itch I guess I shouldn't have tanned for so long | 78 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 17 | Sorry for any grammar mistakes in this timed writing. There's a bit of pressure writing every thought you have within 20 minutes and try and make it completely coherent. The music in the back ground plays that of falling falling falling. Then hits a note as if the journey of which it began will continue. Adversaries in between as if rapids in the path. The sun glares in as it goes lower in the sky. Now at this hour of the day is when my apartment is the warmest. The light carries in like the rays dance and shuffle past the leaves of the tree outside. I watch my friends sit next to me. One is a zombie slasher with a chain saw for an arm, the other sits and types quietly. The music is quieter now with bell like rings in it. The bass has a slow but progressive sound to it. The guitar sings about as the music moves on. Over the middle window, the one with the blinds shut, we keep the blue mask. It has sharp looking teeth which are yellow. The teeth match the horns. I'm now half past the time of when I started. Some pauses have been taken in between sentences or paragraphs. Sorry for the time of which I slacked. I loosing ideas of what to write now. I have little more to to tell of my surroundings more. The music is now more of a popping sounds. It also mud like sounding guitar now. My phone is ringing now but I got my friend to pick it up. I will call them back. This is now the end. | 2,190 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 22 | last night was pretty good and all. I was glad to see everyone thats in san antonio again and javi who is still at home and hating it. but who can blame the guy, weslaco isn't exactly the place one would want to be. I just feel bad for junior, he feels totally alone and stuff. javi and him are the only two who are still at home and all, but junior never talks to javi because he doesn't like what javi does on his spare time, so because of that, he doesn't talk to him as much. I was just glad he called on davids birthday to wish him a happy birthday and to talk, I miss that guy a lot, I just wish hed get off of his lazy ass and do something. he isn't working or going to school, hes just at home feeling sorry for himself and ballooning. all I could tell him is that he needed to do something to occupy himself and to not just sit thete and feel sorry for himself. hopefully he'll be here in austin visiting soon. speaking of getting off your ass, I need to get on the ball and stop procrastinating. high school might have been somewhat of a breeze through (a walk in the park) but college isn't the same, needless to say. dad said this is the rest of my life I'm preparing for, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't say that quote to myself at least a hundred times because I'm being lazy. I miss dad, and mom and everyone else. yea we all hate eachother and get at eachothers throats but thats why we're family, only we can talk to eachother the way we do and get away with it. much like me and my friends, because friends are family too, even knowing more about you than you might through observation. regardless, I love austin, its a great town, there is so much to do, and a lot of time to do it in, but with all this free time you need to do it in moderation, because too much of a good thing can be bad for you. I hope grandma is ok, I miss waking up and telling her "buenos dias, como manecio" and her being amazed that I'm even at home and even more amazed at the time it is that I wake up. I just hope nothing happens to her. I feel sorry for mel and all the trauma that she is probably feeling. she just had a kid, her husband is being accused of something we are all sure that he had nothing to do with, and the damn police with their false accusations the they are giving her, as well as the threats, in order to get her to tell them the information they believe she has, but which in fact she doesn't. because no matter how bad the news, she would come to my family first and let us know before her own mother would know, because she is like my oldest sister, and she is probably the closest cousin that I may have. damn, I miss georgie. stupid punk with too much time on his hands and he knows it. procrastinator in the making just like me. I miss listening to my punk and ska with him, he was the only person that liked it as much as I did, and I didnt even force him to like it. funny now though, in austin one would say that its a bit "trendy" to like this music, but in weslaco. its not really known. and even less played on the damn radio. speaking of radio, it sux. except for some stations in austin. and I don't know the call letters. I'm bad at remembering things. I guess that may be why I procrastinate. my dad has always told me that its impossible to forget things as quickly as I do, so I know he doesn't believe me when I say "I don't remember". but in fact, I really don't, and its not because I drink like every day or because I'm on a drug, because yes I do drink, but not in large quantities (binge drinking) like some people and I only do so on the weekends strictly never on school days, and I don't do drugs. speaking of drugs, I knew it was easy to get them at my hometown if u wanted them, but austin is like a haven for those who feel the urge to get away. already I have open invitations from people I've met and seen a few times to go and smoke out with them, and one guy who said he could get me any drug I wanted free for the first time. I can just brush these things aside because they don't interest me or anything, but I get some weird looks from other people nearby who can hear the conversation, but I don't let that bother me, because if they are going to judge me from what they hear and not by who I really am, they arent worth my time. my dad told me to never judge anyone by what is heard and said, and I never have. some of my best friends today were spoken bad of before I had ever met them. now we're as close as brothers in a sense. I love my friends, I don't really know what id do without them. my biggest fear doesn't seem to be what kind of future I have or if I will ever be successful, or if I will let my parents down (god forbid though), but my biggest fear is never seeing my friends again. but when I think about it, its the stupidist thing, because today, the world is smaller than ever, and anyone can be found with the click of a button. so I don't really know why I feel this way or anything, nothing traumatic has happened to make me feel this way, so I don't really have an explanation for this feeling, and being the smart ass that I am making fun of everything with a comment for everything, this really does scare me | 818 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 16 | I am a bit in wonderous as to what is supposed to be accomplished by this writing assignment and what it is supposed to prove. I hope this isn't some wierd psychoanalysis of who I am or something like that. Not that I am an X-files junkie and I think this is one big conspiracy or anything though. That is not one of the best shows about conspiracies anyway. I really enjoyed "Conspiracy Theory" with mel Gibson and Julia Roberts though. Right now I am thinking that I could be doing other homework that is a little bit more consequential for my classes tomorrow and just start typing random letters with little regard to this assignment, but I am an honest and will continue to do this assignment as if someone were really going to read it. I am really excited about the Astros victory tonight over the Phillies, because it put us 3 games ahead of the reds who split their double header today. If the Astros end up in the playoffs I plan on making at least one trip to Houston to watch them play in the Astrodome. Especially since that will probably be the last time I will khave a chance to see a game played in the Astrodome. After this season they will be p;laying in their new stadium by the convention center. I think the convention center is a bit of a waste since Houston doesn't seem to land many consequential national level events there. But that's Houston for you'. They never seem to get the kind of national coverage that New York or la gets. I guess that is because it is considerably smaller, but still. I think it has to do with Houston being a bit excluded from the rest of the country. And with the lack of national events and tourism people will continue to think Texas is all about cowboys and cattle wtith a few oil ranchers thrown in th e mix. | 1,019 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 11 | of course I don't ever really cry--or at least not very often. I've been waiting for a really big cry since I moved here a month ago--but no tears. I left some of my best friends--though I have over a dozen friends here from my home town of College Station--but not all of them and I left my house and my birth city and my parents and two of my dogs(the third one I brought with me). though I don't really know why I am writing this to the computer as if it will respond back or much less cares at all about my personal life. I suppose that i am just suppose to ramble and write what is in my head--yes I am so tired that I am repeating the directions for this assignment out loud to myself and I am actually so bored and tired as to write them down as part of my assignment. I suppose that that bit alright. it is now 1:28 am and that means that technically I cannot write again until after mid night tomorrow or today or whatever which is too bad because that would make my life easier to be able to do it tomorrow afternoon because I only have one class but I suppose I should stop bitching at the computer. because frankly it is a computer--of course now I am worried that this should have been some philosophical expression of how I, erin, tick as a human being--but now I am way to tired to rewrite this--if it won't send properly then I promise myself to do something deeper next time--for now, however, I'm done. | 423 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 10 | so i don't know exactly what im supposed to write about here. i guess whatever is on my mind at the moment. my roomate is watching some wierd movie right now and the lady in it is screaming about something going wrong. and her husband is talking on the phone to another woman. maybe he's cheating on her with this other woman. who knows? so it's 4:22 right now and I don't want to what else to write about. . i would really like to be listening to Dashboard Confessional right now. they are such an awesome band! i really am getting into them lately! Chris has got such an amazing voice. . plus he's gorgeous! i went and saw DC last month. that was a great show! i want to see them agian. tehy need to come to Austin soon. they would have a great turnout if they did! last night i went to a concert. . it was at the Austin Music Hall. Jimmy Eat World, Sparta, and Cave-in all played. . Jimmy was amazing! Sparta was a lot better yesterday than the last time that I was them with Dashboard and Weezer! I actually kind of liked their music! And then Cave-in was alrigth too. I had fun watching the drummer's ab and arm muscles move around and work as he played bis drums with his shirt off! it was nice! why is it that all drummers play with their shirts off? i guess they just like to be topless. and have all the girls stare at them. or maybe it's just a sweat thing as Baxter says. who really knows? Baxter is a cool girl. im glad that i met her at orientation. . i have soo much fun hanging out with her. . but chris is great! he is soo funny! and hes so sweet too! i hope he gets my email about wanting to be study buddies with him for french class. . . that would be a great help! plus you know i'd be able to see chris more often. . wahoo! he is soo adorable. but really. i do need the help in french. thats one of those classes that you really have to work hard at every single day in order to get good at and stay good at. . he seems to be doing pretty well in there. especially since he took french longer than i did. maybe a year more. but who really cares. he is better at it than i am. or so i think. i hope he wants a study buddy too for that class. because i really want to do better on my next test in there. i want to pul my grade up from a b to an a, which i won't be able to do unless i get help from someone else. and chris would be the perfect person to get that help from. anyway. im getting tired of typing everyhting that comes into my mind. . . but i guess thats exactly what everyones blogs are about. just them randomly typing waht they are thinking about and sharing it with everyone!!! john sur is good at that. he always has something interesting or intellectual or funny to say in there. . its great! i am soo glad that we became friends. he really does seem to make me feel smarter just because he teaches me so much! especially and my faith. . he really has influenced me and helped me out so much with that. . i don't know what i would have done without him. his everlasting questions and curiosity have made me wonder and become more curious myself about my own faith and i thank him for that. also for him and holly inviting me to the bible study back home! that really helped me out tremendously! i don't know what i would have done without that group of people. some of them have become my best friends this past year and i don't know how my life would be different without them!! they really do make me feel like a better person for knowing them. . and i thank them from the bottom of my heart for them always being there for me with all of the neverending support! i miss all of them soo much here at college. but at least i ahve a few of them here at UT. John and Chris are here. and I'm glad about it! they really make me feel more at home here even though i may not see them all the time. . they are such great friends!!!! oh and my fig! its amazing! im soo glad that i signed up for it. . it truly does help you feel more at home here in school and make UT feel like a smaller campus. because i really don't think that it seems like it is as big as everyone says it is. i mean. i see people i know everywhere. . . wheter they are in my fig. i went to high school with them. . middle school. orientation. camp texas. or i just know them from something else. i see poeple that i know everywhere and I'm glad of it it sooo nice to be able to that! | 1,685 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 9 | Today I had a very busy day. At work I had to sort the payroll checks while my co-worker was on the phone and internet all day. I then quickly changed for school and I almost missed my bus. I have to ride the city bus to campus from work. I work downtown, not very far from campus. My first class today was Chemistry. It seemed like the class wa never going to end. I learned quite a bit, but I was tired of taking notes. Then I went to the Gregory gym to work out. I did very good today and I didn't get tired very fast. I couldn't do my normal 30 minutes on the machine because others were waiting. I did start on the exercise equipment, trying to work out my legs and abs. I think I am going to be sore tomorrow. I really need to lose weight. I need to get skinny like all the girls on campus, so I can wear low cut jeans and tank tops. Anyways, I am getting off the subject. After the exercise, I went to Jester to get something to eat. I didn't realize the food was going to be processed. I don't know, it just wasn't what I expected. The pork chops were okay, but I was very hungry. I finished up my economics homework and went to class. I had to call and remind my husband to pick me up at 8:00pm tonight. When I got to my Economics class, my professor didn't show up for class. What a loser. She preaches how we need to be in class on time and how every class is important, but this is already the second day she missed. You would think she would lead by example. Well, what do you expect from a first year professor. And the thought that she can conduct experiments in a class that has more than 200 students. What a joke. I turned in my Lab Report, it was really difficult, but I think I did a very good job. I am proud of my Lab Report, I hope I get a good grade. I met this girl in my class today. I am not sure what her name is, but she was really nice. She is from Dallas. But when I told her I was married and had a daughter, she kind of freaked. Well, she didn't ignore me or anything, but she stopped talking to me as much and she gave her number to the girl sitting on the other side of her. Am I not good enough to giver her number to? Because I have a husband and a daugher. Well, who cares, her loss. I am going to do really well in this class and she is going to be lost! That is why I don't talk to anyone on campus. I just don't want to get close to anyone. That would mean I would have to entertain them or call them, or they might even try to use me. Make me do all the work and they get a free ride. I am going to do really good this semester. Of course, I am going to make the connections I need to bring up my grade. You know, go to office hours, SI sessions, ask questions. Meet people who really want to study or just ask a quick homework question to. See, I like that kind of a friendship. Someone who can help me on something I can't work out on my own, then not want me to spend time with them. Maybe I just think of this as high school and its not. I am pretty sure everyone else is here to get their educaiton and get out, not to make friends. Well, after Economics class, I went to the SI session for Psychology. Now this is going to be a hard class. There is just not enough time to study. I want to spend more time studying, but I can't. I try to make room for studying at home, but my daughter makes it really difficult. I wish I would have finished school before I had my daughter. I can't even tell you what I did with my time before her. I really do hope that after I complete school, if I do, that I will be more financially stable. I hope that all this struggling and time away from my family will be worth it. I really hope I made the right decision to put us in debt over student loans for my education. I really want a college diploma. I really wish I wasn't a loser and I could get into the school of Business. But, I have accepted that I will not. But once I get my Economics degree and I become a CPA, that we will reek the benefits. I want a big beautiful house and I want to be able to pay off our credit cards and save money. I don't think that I am asking for much, but I guess everyone wants these things. More about my day, during my Pschology session, I noticed that I really don't know much about the material. I really need to get to studying the chapters. I hear the tests are really hard. Pennebaker seems like a really good professor. He makes us laugh and makes me listen and not fall asleep, but he also gives us a lot of information. (I am getting tired of typing. My hands hurt, but I like the practice in typing) I want a lap top. I really think that if I get a lap top that I can get a lot accomplished during my study time. I could go to the library and type and not have to wait to use one of their computers. I can't even use our computer at home because my daughter gets in the way. Alex, my husband, doesn't pay any attention to her when I am there. It makes me wonder how they are when I am not around. I bet he is on the computer downloading music and she is in the living room getting into all sorts of things. My things. Or she is sitting in the other living room watching shrek. | 1,616 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 28 | well, topday when I was sitting in the cafeteria, I was thinking about something. my roommate mike, said to me, "congratulations for not cursing for over a certain period of time. " that was kinda strange because I don't usually curse until I came onto this campus. I have no idea why. he asked me if I did it at home a lot, but the truth is, no I don't. I don't usually curse. the only time I ever did that was if I felt pain or something. I never felt the need to curse and I know that it's a filthy habit. I also know that it's not a very classy thing to do. I can't figure it out. I have noticed that I curse a lot and I've made attempts to stop. but the truth is, I don't really want to because it's fun. I don't to it often enough. well, at least that's the conclusion I came up with. that's really been the only thing on my mind other than girls and big breast and stuff like that. that's kind strange too, because I know that it's not important to me. it's actually very superficial, but I don't care. I have fun talking in vulgar manners to my friends and stuff like that but that's not me at all. I know that it's not but I can't stop sometimes. well, I can but I choose not too. . FIRE DRILLL!!! oh well. last I left off was awhile ago. I kinda lost train of thought. I don't remember what I wrote and I don't feel like reading what I wrote. now I feel kinda tired because I walked up the 13 flights of stairs. I wasn't as tiring for me as it was for my friends. I'm expecting some letters from my little sister. she's suppose to send me some important stuff like my id and credit card and stuff like that. I'm kinda worried because if someone steals the credit card, I'll be in big trouble. a couple of my friends do drugs and have already had sex and stuff like that. I hate to pass judgements and crap like that so I pretend that it's all good. I don't even know if it's a good a idea to confront them about it. well, it's not like they're my friends or anything like that, but I did meet them here. I don't know how confidential this writting assignment is so I don't want to say too much. lets just say that I see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to write about. I know that it's stream of consciouness but if there's nothing on my mind, what am I suppose to write about. the first time I heard about this, I thought about hemingway and his style of writting. students that went to my high school studied hemingway and I at least know that he wrote stream of consciousness. I wonder if I'm out of breath. would that effect how well I think. cause I'm writing this stupid assignment, and I seem to have trouble because I'm thinking too much about breathing. I always have this huge headache. I think it was because it was hot outside and now it's cold. I don't know. I don't care. actually, this assignment is kinda of easing because I can just write whatever I want and know that as long as I turn it in, I'm ok. no matter what I say or how I say it, it's all good. but, when I came in the room after that firedrill, I didn't want to do anything but lie on my bed. I'm sleeping and my mind is wondering off in some weird way. I know I have to write for 20 min. and I have another 3-4 min. to go. I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired. I'm not even thinking anymore. I got to pee, but I don't want to unless I'm finished with this assignment. man I got to pee. ok, I'm going to end this assignment now that I think I'm done. | 687 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 3 | keep an open mind. "If you can't change your mind, how do you know you still have one?". Anonymous. I read this quote today morning and started thinking about it. Do I really have my own mind or am I controlled by thoughts and opinions that other people have? Maybe everything I do and believe in is based on what somebody else does. Obviously there are a lot of things that I believe in because my family/friends believe in them too. My faith in god may have been initially because of my parents faith in God and because of the stories that they told me about the god and his greatness. Why do I say his greatness. I think about that a lot of times. Why do we always say he?. why do all laws and sayings start with man is, he is. why don't we say. woman is ?I remember once my brother and me had this big fight about this and he being the MCP that he is says that women spend most of their time criticizing men. while on the other hand men do more constructive things. He says that most of the time it's the men who research and find laws and then later women complain about how the theorems or laws are sexually discriminating because they say he and not she, but I know that things are actually a lot different. I come from India and there a lot of women are oppressed. Female infanticide still takes place. I come from a girl's school and a lot of our topics for discussion in school were about these things. whether women should be allowed to join the armed forces. which brings me back to the same thing. why am I a feminist? is it because most people around me were like that or is it because I believe in equality myself. but what do I believe in. hopefully I will be more clear about this after my psychology classes. but will I change my mind about something that I believe in very firmly now, will I change my opinion about something if somebody shows me some evidence that proves my belief wrong. I don't think so, but then that means that I blindly believe in something for no apparent reasons. that's pretty ridiculous. but I know that the mind is very fragile and I think that it's the situations that actually control the mind. like do I make friends because I want to or is it because I have to. sometimes I wonder about the way I choose my friends. is there something common about all of them. maybe there is a certain characteristic that I look for. I also know that I am very judgmental. I will not approach somebody that is dressed in a certain way. so what does that say about me. I look around and see so many people who look so different from me. I feel pretty intimidated by them. since I'm new to this country and this lifestyle. sometimes I feel so stupid and ignorant. But I also think about how every new change that I make in life changes me and makes me somewhat a different person. so maybe I do change some of my opinions over time. I wouldn't know. does anybody know how the mind works I guess nobody does. | 1,271 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 30 | Well, I do not really know what I am thinking right know. Actually I think that I am a really slow typer and that I really need to read for all my classes, but I am just too tired to do that right now. My desk lamp is really bright and it hurts my eyes unless it is facing down. I am really excited about tonight because I am going to the Chi-O pledge retreat. I hope that it is fun because I do not really know any of the people in my pledge class and I want to get to know them all. I like all the decorations in my room that the actives put up for me. The red and yellow balloons are starting to look bad so I think I need to take them down now. I think that I will save them so that I can make a scrapbook later with all of the Chi-O things that I have acquired. I am really hungry right now. what do I want to eat? I am tired of eating Mexican all the time which is really weird because I love Tex-Mex. Oh well, . I really think this is a weird assignment. I keep getting on weird subjects. I think that I need to get my nails done really bad, but I just do not know when I will find the time to do it. I should probably check on my laundry. I wonder what we will do tonight at the Chi-O house? I am not looking forward to putting on a swimsuit. I need to find some dance classes to take so that I am doing something active and not just sitting on my butt all the time. I am really thirsty. I can't wait to go buy all the Tops pictures I took this weekend. I miss my sister and I think that I might go home on the weekend of the 20th. my ex-boyfriend's birthday is today! I wish that I could see him. well. maybe I can finish the roll of film that I have so that I can get it developed before Ashley's B-day on wednesday I think. I hope that Kyle does not get to HH soon. oh well, my back is starting to hurt from sitting in this chair. I hope that my to heals well. I can not sit still . I really like the Chi-O things written all over my mirrors in red and yellow. my stomach is so hungry. I seem to have a bigger appetite now that I am in college. that is probably not a good thing. I really hope that I do not gain the freshman 15. um. I need to call my mom or just send her an e-mail with all my book costs on it so that she can call dad. it is about 5:30 and I have to be at the Chi-o house at 9:00. should I look cute? I bet that some people will get dressed up, but I just really do not care. when is Kelly going to get back so we can go get food. I really like the posters that we finally received to day, which took forever to get here. They add character to the dorm room. I wonder who I am going to live with next year? I hope that Ashley does not feel left out when she finds out that I am going to live with Lexi and Kelly next year and who knows who else. I mean she could always room with us I guess, but I think that she would not have as much fun because she never wants to go out with us she just stays home and studys, which is fine, but it just seems like she would do better somewhere else. I do not really care. I guess that can be left up to her. | 2,056 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 29 | Coming to UT has to be one of the best choices I have made. Living in dobie has to be one of the worst. I wish I would have stayed at one of the honors dorms because the people seem so much more sociable. It seems that this place is extremely cliquish and such. My roommate is cool, although he seems to already have a group of friends here and isn't at all interested in making new ones. I'm a very social person. I have to be in contact with people all of the time or I get severely lonely. I don't like to feel cut off. I wouldn't even stay at my dorm the first night because I didn't have the internet or my cable connected. It is odd how we feel like television, internet, and phones make us feel so connected. I would die now without the internet. I love being able to chat with all of my friends about how they are doing in college. It is so odd being here at UT with so many students from big schools. I'm from such a small school I feel like I don't fit in or I don't know enough. It is odd how being from a small school can make you feel so inadequate at times. I feel like the others have some greater advantage than me. Being at such a big university is such a big advantage. That is why I chose to come here. I really love how much a university this size has to offer. I mean look how awesome the stadium is and the the academic programs. The theater is wonderful and who can top gregory gym? It is so awesome to be surrounded by so much, but it is also so odd to feel so lonely sometimes. There is so much to do, but not always someone to do it with. I have one friend here with me from school. She is so much more than a friend. She means everything to me but she has hurt me so badly. I don't know if it is possible to overlook what she did to me last october. I can't tell if I could possible love her more than anyone else I'll even incounter, but it really seems possible. How else could you forgive someone so easily for hurting you so bad. She wants to be everything to me and all she wants is for me to say the same. But it is hard to base my life around someone that has thrown my life off balance once. She is such a good person and all she needs is someone to really love her and I really do love her a lot. I hope I can put the past behind us. We are so perfect ogether. We love similar things, yet we are really different. She loves art, I love art. She loves music, I love music. We are passionate about many of the same things. The sexual relationship is so nice too. I like feeling so hot and passionate. Sex is kinda a thing in a relationship that is sybolic of acceptence to me. I mean when I bare myself to someone else it makes me feel good. I feel like we are really together. I've never even been with another girl. I feel like I am so unexperienced but it doesn't matter I guess. If you find someone you are willing to stay with why does it matter how many people you have sex with. I guess it is just society that tells us that we should have many sexual partners before marriage. That is so different from what the church teaches. I really don't agree with much of what the church say about sexual represion and not going with basic instincts or enjoying ones self. I kinda am a member of my own sect of religion. I think that there has to be some supreme authority but how am I supposed to believe that man can concieve this preterhuman figure. It doesn't seem like man should be able to explain the creator and so why try. I think that mans purpose it to better himself and the generation following him. | 842 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 20 | it is cold in my room the room is the freezing rain which chills my typing hands numbly I feel all of this through skin of course the skiing is always on top of the muscles but the muscle are in the yurget zone of the world I know that the skin is there but it must be cold roommate types next to me like a fearlees wombat that he is I must crack him open and fry him up like an egg an egg of a tale of this land which I live in is the way to a free market economy an economy which the uzbeks can have a say in their government because karimov allow them vote in private elected parties in the spindletop texas cynthia harrington went to that and saw the president president george bush sr was there and he was wearing a green rain coat a coat which I saw on the picture which was on their refrigerator door I knew that it was there because I saw it there next to the pills that their daughter constantly took she was addicted and I tried to stop her but she was depressed and I tried but you can't always help others that don't want to be helped especially those of the race of the unwilling the unwilling whose bones shall be used to pave the way to valhalla which is the greater good of the viking society which I will use to fight off the endless hordes in my brain the viking are outnumbering in my spaceship which I use the toothpaste goo food I eat it and shoot out transformer feces into my face of the po po man I will see the super lucky cat on the last date that I went on in beaumont it will be here that I go and see everything that ever was and everything that will ever be because that goes towards the greater good of mankind and I will see the sphinx before the phoenix rises out of the creamed corn of the children man man yogurt blossom in the cafeteria like bomb shells exploding in the darkness of siagon I will see them and laugh like the little devil that I am the yogurt man of my brain laughs with them and he laughs at the absurdity of it all at the absurdity of the Caribbean chick which is in my class but does not see the truth which is me in the flesh and doe not see the truth which is me in the flesh of life I want to know everything I want to see everyone I want to fuck everyone in the world I want to do something that matters but the things that matter don't matter anymore my yogurt blossom repairman I thin k that I like you yogurt blossom time stream of consciousness test we are one in the same you and I watching as other s write time ticking endlessly away and our scroll bars move down ever so slightly and we presses the finish button and everyone goes wow that test really sucked and the professor get all the money and I say to you blessed are the meek they shall inherit the turf of the astrodome where I went when I was twelve to eat a dome dog and watch that team play my dad gave us peanuts to eat and I ate them and then I beat some poor bastard in the head with them and then I laughed because it was very funny and I laughed and it was funny but a whitney brown was not funny instead he was a stupid son of a bitch and not very funny at all except his face and his small groin which was funny funny funny hahahahah this must sound crazy to you I know because like me everything is crazy I am the crazy man bob who howls at midnight and I will always be crazy and good but I am the bob man I am the mystical food poisoning which one gets on prom night and throws up all night long while the lesbian you brought to prom hates your girlfriend and they presume to bight each others heads off all night long because they are the spawn of the devil whose name begins with baieszselbub I am the spawn whose e name is fish egg mc chicken pants and you shall know us by the trail of dead which spits tobacco out of his face and eats the eternity of my growing head and you see that I am the man whose face is in the shape of a marshmallow and the crackers of his should are in the face of them man who is the mouse pad mc cheese and the man who is in t ehldfsdjljdjd the lavalamp in the brain of the man is interestingly enough the same orgasm of a young boyscout whom saves the squirrel for later if you get my drift talk about safe sex it does not get much safer than having sex with a squirrel squirrels are cool dudes but dudes are not cool squirrels and then you can eat them and they taste quite goodly in a stew pot but don't eat the pot because the pot becomes you and the pot is the pot which is not like other pots but a magical pot of endemic portly proportions which name is nut tickling nipples nancy mcgee and you shall know this pot and know it well you should for in it lies your salvation and undoing for you will fear me for I am the scourge of god If you had not sinned he would not have sent me hither to punish you | 2,163 |
1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 24 | What should I write for this assignment. If I write what I'm thinking at this moment a lot of people's feelings could be hurt and I really don't care to share these thoughts with a faculty that I know nothing about. My mother is approaching me, maybe she wants to talk with me. No, she stopped short at her purse. No, wait, she's coming over here. She asks me a question about my homework, something trivial. I don't think she can read my handwriting even though she's sitting right next to me and that's good because I wouldn't want here to read this piece of writing. Wait, she is reading it! I quickly lift up the pages to take them out of her line of sight. It's cold in this room, but it's only cold on one side. O course, it feels that way because I'm sitting beside a vent. It's so weird to sleep on the sofa, people can be replaced so easily! I've watched two people accomplish the task with much agility. Funny, I wish I could type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts, but they fly by too quickly. I wish this person in the room with me would ask me where I live, I think the answer would surprise her. What's the time, 10:40? I've gone over my time limit. How should I end this entry, would goodbye be appropriate? | 1,204 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 18 | I am just sitting here watching ESPN with my roommate. They're talking about Ricki Williams' ankle injury the other day. Go Ricki! I really don't have many emotions right now, I'm pretty tired. I've been at a horse show all weekend. My girlfriend competes in them, and I go for moral support and to help out. Shes coming over later today to go to lunch with me. Now theyre showing some really amazing plays on sports center. woah! I'm really enjoying psychology, a lot more than I thought I would. Its really fascinating, especially with my professor. My major right now is architectural engineering, but I'm thinking of changing later to maybe mechanical or architecture, I don't know. this stream of conciousness thing is pretty hard. will I get information later and be able to analyze myself or is someone going to read this and say "man what a dumbass" or what? I'm kind of curious about that survey, too. I understand the fear questions, but what the hell was that one page about sex all about? Kinda personal, don't you think? Oh well, I answered truthfully. Why does this thing have to last for 20 minutes? this is hard. I enjoyed the lecture about the lie detecting. I didnt guess the right number, but I could tell when he lied. oh well, I'm done | 722 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 10 | Today was a very hard day at school. After my first class, M408D, I read my Economics book for what seemed like forever. My friend Chris can be a bit pushy sometimes and it makes me pissed off. He is one of those, Everything has to my my way" guys and he cannot conform to anyone's wishes but his own. I took Spanish for three years in high school and I like to speak in that language sometimes for fun. He got mad at me and my other friend for talking in "Spanglish" because he does not like it. He gave us a ultimatum and I got ticked. Man to day was rough. Seinfield is on. That is a good show. Kramer is the best character because he physical comedy is on par with Jim Carrey's. The timer says 3 minutes 20 seconds and even this feels like forever. I have a lot of chores to do. Put up our sheep, clean the pool. My mom is going to kill me if I do not get those done. I guess I can tell her a was busy typing a psychology paper but that will never fly. I need to get something to drink but I cannot get up for another 15 minutes. Oh well. I need to change my calendar. The stupid thing is still in August. The candle in my hallway has a strong odor as I can smell it clearly all the way down in my room. Cool. They are playing The Rock on USA. I think I'll watch this as I type. It should keep me halfway amused instead of bored. I got a Economics quiz tomorrow and I am not looking forward to that. My professor is great though. A very funny man, he has a way of putting micro-economics into a state relative to us college students. His examples, while off-the-wall, are pertinent and really do have a good meaning. He even sold us this bag of 3 Musketeers he had. He must have made at least $5 off a bag that I could get at Wal-Mart for about $2. I did not get one. but if I had a quarter on me at the time I would have. I need to turn on my light as I can only see my keyboard's keys from the light my monitor is putting off. It is too dreary outside and my window is proving useless right now. I needs to rain. They say it will here soon in the next two or three days but you can never trust that. Those weather guys try there hardest and use computer models to "predict" the forecast but when you get down to it, they are really just making educated guesses. But a weatherman does seem like a cool job. You can basically lie to people every night and get away with it by saying "Well we try to predict the weather the best we can but Mother Nature does what she wants sometimes. " Alright, I only have 8 minutes left to write. My the time goes by fast when you are actually thinking about stuff to write. My computer is getting old and I need a replacement. I have pop-ups bad. Somehow, somewhere, I got a file on my hard drive that contacts pop-up servers and brings them to my machine. In doing this, it wins because firewalls are useless against programs that contact other servers from inside your machine. Basically a firewall prevents incoming signals from a machine that you did not originally contact first. User-initiated contact goes through unmolested. So by masking it self as a program, the file is able to bypass the firewall by making contact with the pop-up servers. I only have 5 minutes left to write now. That is good. Man, this is a sweet part of The Rock. This is the scene in which Nicholas Cage is in a yellow Ferarri and is chasing Sean Connery, who is in a black Hummer. This scene has a lot of good action. I like action movies. I guess as I guy I find them more appealing than drama or suspense movies. My belief is that in order to make a good movie, a director has to have lots of guns, explosions, and really hot girls. Without these elements, the movie will not appeal to guys my age. I still need to get my Economics book. I got the main one but the second one is still at the Co-Op. My luck they will run out of it by the time I remember to go by and pick it up. My dog needs to stop scratching. And my other dog needs to stop bothering my oldest dog while he is scratching. I would find that annoying. Man I could really use that drink now. Good thing I have less than a minute left to type. In the words of Homer Simpson. "WooHoo!" This has been fun. I actually wish I could've had more time because there are more interesting things going on in my mind but oh well. Hope this is a good paper. Oh, it says if I want I can still keep on typing. In that case I think I will. Where did my remote go?. HAHA. got ya. you thought I was going to type more didn't ya? Well ok I am done now. I can finally un-mute my TV and go get that Coke. | 1,939 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 30 | adrian is rather BORING to talk to. I called him first and he didn't even seem the least bit surprised or even thankful. nice. "oh abby. you're so BEEEYOOOTIFUUUL and so PPEEEERRRRRFECT!!" I bet he likes the attention he gets from imbuing someone adoration. maybe that's the exact reason why I'm attracted to him. I'm attracted to the fact that I'm attracted. isn't that completely vain?? and shallow too. I am ashamed. maybe I can't control it. it just doesn't happen everyday that someone at least pretends to like you for such exaggeratingly good qualities. I feel bored. I do not want to read 50 pages of some stuff I can't concentrate on while listening to the TV. even if its TV stuff that I don't want to hear. I'm listeninng to music. finger 11. not anymore. I miss caleb, jacob, pinky, ed, michelle, michael, mom, dad, janie, cesar, cynthia, everything is SO DIFFERENT from just only 5 years ago. we all used to be so close together. geographically and familiarly. I think this assignment is cool. all our writing assignments should be like this. the experiment I participated in last week was really boring. I thought it would involve something interesting like tasting some product or doing something physical like a handstand and see how gravity affects blowflow to certain body parts. THAT would be a cool experiment. it could help those poor astronauts and their whatever space effects. HUH!! they should be helping poor homeless people off the streets. its got to be somehting psychological about that because I mean. people could work if there's nothing physical impeding them. Hten it must be mental or emotional or ptsd. my cousin, michelle, said I almost gave her ptsd. post traumatic something disorder. I thought that was funny. I wish I had an awesome sense of humor to make people and myself laugh all the time. all I can do is act like my stupid self and that makes people laugh because I'm so naive or ignorant and oblivious to something. what kind of. ok. what REALLY FREAKIN bothers me about the Church's doctrine is the frenching thing. its been bothering me for a long time. probably longer than it should. man, not EVERYONE goes straight to copulation after they french. yeah, it may arouse the man. or woman, but not really. surely not. I don't see WHY we can't until we're married. its showing AFFECTION. gets to know the other a bit more I guess. I don't understand. no comprendo!!! I like my immortal by evanescence. evanescence is a COOL name. its a sad song though. I wish I could just not have ANY expectation about guys liking me so when one finally does, finally LOVES me, then I'll be surprised and it'll really reallly realllllly count. I get so Disatisfied. I want to go to rome, paris, england, switzerland, russia, romania, I want to speak all their languages!!!!! but look here. there's no FUNDING no TIME for learning all of them. I wish I could feel the ever "playful Presence" like in Dean Koontz's book "One Door Away From Heaven. " AWESOME BOOK. I've got to do chemistry and finish my calculus. CALCULUS IS FUUUUUUN!!!! the ta is cool but I DO NOT know what he tries to say when he teaches!!!!! he would've been a REALLLLLLY CUUUUUUUUTE guy if he wasn't gay. tooooo baaaad. I do not agree with homosexuality. takes away from the beauty, sanity, naturality, rightness, sanctity of humanity and the world. I ain't never lookin back, and that's a fact. I've got pride I'm taking it for a ride. I liketat song. I like tiers, I'd like a really tiny tier for a pet. that'd be soooooooo fun and not to mention cooooool. dr. moreau should have created mini-creatures for the future. my time is almost up. htis was a cool assignment. I had a cup of noodle soup. I'm really full. I feel like I don't have to eat for 3 days. maybe I should try that. see if I'm a SURVIVOR. I don't think I'd DIE from that 3 day fast. people stay around for longer without food. I wish they didn't have to. | 2,353 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 10 | here we go. i don't think my typing can keep up with my thoughts. the palm reader said a few weeks ago, that i was very mentally busy. anyways, this red hot chili peppers is pretty good, although i don't like that cabron song. i wonder if you get penalized for not writing as much. should just take the easy way out and claim i am a slow typer. so this is what college is like. doesn't seem so bad right now. i heard the first year was easy. this class could be a little tough, but the professor seems to know what he is doing. i wish i could type without making mistakes. that would be cool. i wonder if lisa will call me today. we seemed to really hit it off the other day, and she does seem interested. i wonder if that is just her personality to be really nice or what. hard to tell if she has a lot of other guy friends or not. my roommate got back quickly from houston already. kind of pathetic only going for one night to see his girlfriend. i don't know why that makes me upset, i guess because she is still is high school and he talks like a moron when he calls her on the phone. back to lisa as usual. i can't believe she likes all the same music as me. i wish there were some concerts coming up this month to go to. i don't know what there is to do for a date without a car. especially since we are not the party types. twenty minutes is ridiculous. it has only been 6 right now, and i am spent. oh well, glad to get this done with. i have a feeling the studying and assignments and what not are going to be piling up soon. is that how you spell piling? doesn't really look right, but whatever. i'm kind of curious what the next page says about what i have writen. i should finish my reading today, that should only take a little while. here comes my favorite song on the cd. i wonder if they will release it to the radio. i bet the next page says something about if you don't capitalize your words correctly, you are this type of person. this email writing and aol instant messenger has left me with some bad habits. oh well, no big deal. i don't really the red hot chili peppers that much. kind of too much funk in their music for me. it sounds good, but their lyrics are a little shaky. i'm really glad i got these headphones though. i hope calculus tests aren't that hard. the ta seems really nice, and hopefully he will know what is going to be on the test. i still don't think the teacher knows what he is doing. we're up to 11 minutes. not bad. lisa. can't believe how this is working out. i wish i remembered more about her from elementary school. i'm kind of worried about her being smarter than me. it shouldn't be a problem, i guess i'm not used to it. makes me think i have to act smarter around her. not smarter but smart. she doesn't get in to that intellectual stuff that much. kind of crazy, i think about this girl like i have known her for a long time, and also that we are dating. i think what i said constitutes as a date proposal. we'll see pretty soon i guess. i don't like how i say i guess all the time. it's in my im's all the time. got to mix it up a little bit. 5 more minutes to go. i wonder how long the average one of these is. 500 kids in one class is huge. there were at least 6 people from my high school in there. god this is getting lame. the writing lady went to northwestern. kind of cool my best friend is going there for journalism. much better than arizona state or wherever economics lady is from. wonder where pennebaker went to school. can't tell from looking at him, had to be in the east though. probably isn't the best plan to do this while listening to music. kind of affects your thoughts alot. especially rhcp, they say some messed up stuff. the new cd is good though. they have kind of mellowed out. i wonder if i will see them when they tour. kind of an expensive ticket. but it would be cool to say that i've seen them. well looks like we are ending | 1,701 |
1 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 25 | this is one of the most interesting assignments I've had. Frisbee tomorrow I'll be late. I'm homesick and a bad typer is that the right word oh well All my friends and family enjoying themselves without me (sigh) this getting used to college is a little more difficult than I imagined but I guess that I always have trouble starting something new my legs are tired I ran 4 miles and played Frisbee When I started elementary school I cried and clung to my dad's leg Ican't remember middle school Funny how I can remember something farther away than something more recent maybe elementary was more traumatic. Then high school I got really tiny because I think I had a nervous stomach I can hear the girl next to me' s headphones It must be a foreign language We have to do that in French I'm finally getting hungry I thought I never would I need to work out more It is kind of depressing to have once worked out on a team five days a week twice a day with a whole bunch of people now I have to make myself do stuff that is not as fun I go by myself to the gym and to swim at least I found frisbee except they're a little more advanced than me but the practices aren't a s strenuous and as frequent as my old swim practices My room mates sick puking all night I keep washing my hands and the door knob every thing she touches It makes me nervous when people are sick I don't want to catch it and get my life off schedule I mean heck it just got into some kind of routine then I'd go and get sick miss class miss practice and have to get the notes from someone and not fall to far behind that makes me nervous I used to get sick all the time when I swam every winter I would get some kind of 5- 7 day flu and it would usually mess everything up My training for the meets especially I was so frustrated sometime s I would try and convince myself I wasn't sick and I would just keep going as if nothing was wrong and then bam I couldn't do it any longer I would be so weak and tired I had just made it worse Nothing like making a problem even worse Only three minutes to go and I'm hungry I think I will have an apple they taste mmmm I like to eat fruit I had a boyfriend that pretty much didn't eat fruit or vegetable he liked mashed potatoes and gravy chicken fried steak and all that stuff is fine but you have to balance or your going to die to soon probably unless you have good genes people should take care of themselves | 2,118 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 20 | Well today is my birthday and I am excited. I turn 19. I am no longer just 18 and not quite 21 but somewhere in the middle. Today, I go up at 12:00 in the afternoon. I hate having to wake up so late because my day feels as if it is half gone. I guess that is why I'm here in the computer lab trying to complete these assignments. I am a little disappointed in myself because this assignment was originally due on Friday, but because some people were having difficulty with the computers the deadline was extended to Monday. That is great. I felt awkward because I had not completed the assignment not because I had computer problems but because I was to lazy to do the assignment. I have one problem I think in life and that is that I have too many friends. That seems like a weird thing to say, but it is true. I came to Austin with not one single friend or any family up here and for some reason I have many friends. I ask my friend Jina, do I look like a people-person, because people are just coming up to me and wanting to be my buds. I think that is so great. Most people would usually get very nervous and would not try to continue an conversation with complete strangers, but I try. Once you make the effort to reach put to people you will realize that there is a lot of people wanting to be your friend. I did something in the cafeteria the other day. I was running a way different schedule than my other friends, so I went to the cafeteria alone. I was thinking to myself, great I have to just eat and not talk to anyone. I was not going to do that so I say this guy sitting by himself. He looked decent and it wasn't as if I had any physical attraction to him. I just sneezed right now, two times. No one said bless you. I just thought that was weird. Any was back to my story. I went and sat down with him and we ate dinner together. It turns out that he is from San Antonion also. wow So I see him every now and then and we say hi to each other. I know this guy, his name is Carlitos. His is the coolest. Everywhere we go he knows someone. He goes to school at SWT but he knows people at UT and UTSA. I want to be someone who has friends everywhere. I have been doing a successful job so far, considering that I'm a freshman. I really like it here at UT. I am making friends, doing reasonably well in my classes, I have an easy job at the MIC in the SSB. To me the SSB is a great building and I talk about it everyone should know but everyone doesn't know about it and I think that is interesting. A building designed to help students and many don't know about it. I understand that the freshman don't know about it but professors and upperclass students don't know about the SSB. My hands are tired of typing and I have 5 minutes left to write. I like this psy class except that I want to fall asleep in the class. I probably should of scheduled the class for an earlier time. actually I that I think about it I did try but TEX was not working to my favor so I stayed with that time. I hope I get accepted to do the experiments because I surely do not want to do a research project. Tonight we plan on drinking some beer and having some pizza for my birthday. Last night when the clock struck 12:00 midnight, my best friend from school poured beer on me. We also dropped ashes from each others cigarette into each others beer and drank it. That is our new tradition we will carry on for years. Jeanie is a great friend. I wish she would come to UT instead of SWT, I know she wants to . well time is up so BYE. | 581 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 23 | I just completed the pretesting survey. Sigh, things like that make absolutely no sense to me. I can never decide exactly where I stand, and I can never define myself with the choices provided. Always have to compromise who I am. I always end up generalizing all of those qualities I have fought tooth and nail to keep. Starting college has been such a weird experience. A room full of people, but I am still alone, a street full of people, but I am on my own, a world full of people, I have nobody but myself. I am glad the ball has started to roll. College is beginning, and, so far, there have been no horrid surprises, I have not been ambushed by a detail I have overlooked. I now have to gauge the speed of that ball, and plan my life around it. I need to visit my family this weekend. That is a drag, I am just beginning to form this new life, just starting to assemble my new identity, and I have to disassemble everything, and hide it in the closet. Family, sigh, the wonderful thing about family is you are sentenced to being around people who you probably will never get along with. Parents are even funnier. You are sentenced to respect and obey these people you probably will never get along with. I bet you are assuming I don't get along with my family, that we fight all the time. Right and wrong. I don't get along with my family, the key word is I. The person they think I am gets along with them perfectly. We haven't fought in 2 years, that was the last time I tried to be myself around them. Then I realized that I had to either bullshit them and survive, or go down in history. So here I am, Mr. Bullshit. Sigh. Sometimes I wonder where the bullshit ends and I begin. I stopped wondering about that a while ago. It was too hard to tell. I hate every person who is in my life right now. My roommates are ok, but immature. My girlfriend, that's right, girlfriends, are not compatible with me, but I am not willing to give up having sex, to be perfectly honest with them. At least not until I can find somebody I get along with, and can have sex with. I don't know why I place so much importance in sex, but that is all I can think of when I see a slightly attractive woman. I feel so evil sometimes, but I am sure my parents would be proud. I might be a depraved heathen, but at least they taught me how to bury myself under selfguilt. Good for them. This is the end of the twenty minutes; I need to go get my laundry out of the dryer now. Until next time. Ciao. | 1,477 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 9 | The walk was refreshing. I should do that more often. I am not sure why not many people take advantage of the beauty of nature and fresh air, and the flowers. My mother loves gardening. We always complain that she spends more time on the garden than on her children. It is just me, my brother and my Dad. Ours is a small family. Not like my neighbors. They have six children. Must be very noisy to live in that family. I like peace and quite when I watch TV or study. I do not think there are any good programs on tonight. I have never watched The West Wing or Will and Grace. Both won the Emmy. They are probably not my type. I just like Friends. This summer there were not any good movies also. Summer really ended so fast. I miss my friend, "S". I don't know what it would be like to be at Texas A&M with her. It is a shame she did not get admission at UT. I would have loved to share a room with her. My suite mate is OK. I had lunch with her but we do not have much in common. She is much younger and is in drama. I am in Natural Sciences. I am not sure how I decided on Pre Med. and maybe Business. For the longest time I wanted to be a teacher and my brother told me that it would not make me rich. Money is not everything. Well if I become a doctor, i. e. if I ever pass my MCAT. Why is life so difficult. I wish life was easier and we could do what we wanted. Better still I wish we did not have to grow up and worry about having a family or making money. I think it is getting warm. I need to turn on the AC. My room mate must be cold blooded. I need circulating air. It keeps me refreshed and relaxed. I am not sure why my parents moved to Texas from Canada. I love the snow and the cold. "T", my friend in Vancouver, has not replied to my email and she does not even like Instant messaging. I think it is neat that we can do that. I can make friends easily on the net, but face to face is really hard. Everyone thinks I am shy and they are probably true. I had no idea 20 minutes are so long and you can write so much. When I am doing something enjoyable time flies and now it seems that the clock does not move. I need to change this chair. It is so uncomfortable or maybe I can put a pillow on it. I think I will go for another walk after I am done with this. I wander if there is anything good on TV tonight. That fish I ate in the cafeteria is making me sick. I hate the food they serve. I am glad I am going home this weekend. | 1,303 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | Well, let me see, i have a lot of stuff to do. got to write this, then i got to go to the soccer meeting, then i have to try and figure out stuff for the plane tomorrow. Im kind of hungry, not really but kind of. Man, i want some chicken strips. i want the light to be turned on. My friend here is playing a cool computer game having to do with terrorists and stuff, he just told me he was doing awesome on it. . Were waiting for Rachel, she should be here soon hopefully. I don't know whether i should go out or stay for the intrasmural soccer meeting . . hmm, im going to try and see if anything important is going to be said at this meeting. I also have to take a shower. . It's funny how college life is, its like real life, dependent, you have to be self-disciplined which is hard. College is actually a challenge, it is hard to stay focused on books when you have so many parties and activities to go to, and people to talk to. 10-1, thats pretty good. Jason's getting good at that game. . . my friend's calling me . . ahh distracted. kind of cold, hmm wait, no its good actually. I don't know what to write for this. This is pretty hard. . 10 minutes passed already. . im going to dallas tomorrow, yay! happy. i love austin but i also love going back home. Eat meat and good food. Going to a Cowboys game on sunday. . i wonder if they'll be any good this year, i don't think so. UT football now thats something else. Man, too bad i donmt have the sports package, damn. I feel like having Skittles but im too lazy to go get them downstairs. . :) yea im hungry definitely. Wish rachel would get here already. man, 5 min left to write cool. can't wait til im done with this assignment. . so that i can go already. Oh, so its stream of 'consciousness', i kept on saying 'stream of conscious' thinking that was the right thing to say. . man, dumb hahaha. Typing is actually fun. kind of tiring at the end though. . hmm 30 sec left! ok this is it, fun stuff now ha! yea 3, 2,1 | 1,657 |
1 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 22 | I think that I am just supposed to write whatever flows from my mind for this one, so here I go. I really like the theory that writing about a problem helps you sort it out. It is interesting to me that putting that problem onto paper helps symbolically remove it from the mind. Theories like that always seem to capture my imagination, I am a huge fan of symbolism. I miss my girlfriend a lot. I think about her multiple times each day, she just pops into my head all the time. I wish I could have called her today, but I just didn't have time. I just realized that I called her my girlfriend. I guess we are broken up now, but more because life drew us apart than any conscious decision. I am dying for some reason to call her and tell her that I love her. I haven't said that in a long time, I think it will make her incredibly happy to hear it. I hope she hasn't given up on us, although that is extremely unlikely. I have not been able to talk with her much lately because she has been grounded, but when we spoke the other day she still sounded like she cares. We've been through so much, I think she always will care about me. It seems almost corny to say "We've been through so much" because everyone says that about their sign. other. But with Christal and I it's not like we've just been through a time where we fought with our parents or ended up almost splitting up, we have walked as close to Hell as I care to come. There are still some things I hate remembering and I block from my mind. Every now and then I will remember something which seemed to have vanished from my memory and I am amazed I didn't remember such intense emotion before I was reminded. I suppose it is repression, it is very odd. I don't like to think about a lot of the things we went through, it's just an emotional roller coaster I don't want to ride again. I still imagine myself with Christal automatically when I think of the rest of my life and who I will be with. I cannot wait until semester when we can spend more time together. I just got a flash of memory of what it is like to be a couple who sees each other and spends together a lot. I miss her being an active everyday part of my life. She is still an everyday part of my life, but only in my thoughts. Not in physical reality. I will definitely call her tomorrow, after my dreaded chemistry test. I am sure I could be studying so much better right now if I had talked with her today. I am scared that when she finds out about Shea it will hurt her incredibly, the odd thing is I would do it again. But it remains to be seen if I would do it again after we talk. I feel so out of touch with her. She changed so much in the wake of everything that happened I feel like I need to get to know my best friend again. I am sure that her core personality is still the same though, I just feel weird because we have both changed and grown so much apart from one another, I am scared that we grew into two people who aren't supposed to be together. | 458 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 29 | I know I said that I was ready to write but Im not too sure exactly what I need to be doing. I hope this is right. Great now Im worrying. I worry way too much that is a problem of mine. I always seem to worry even if there is no reason for it I even worry about other people's problems. I wish I could just be laid back sometimes like my best friend Joseph. He's also my roommate. Now Im now sure if this is right because Im telling you about myself when Im just supposed to be thinking. Okay now Im thinking. Why is my room so hot. Sometimes its not hot but right now Im boiling. I think it is because I am nervous about this assignment. Theres no reason to be I just need to type. Well here I am typing. My room smells funny right now. Joseph bought some cinna sticks from Dominoes a while back and I think that they are going bvad. I know they are going bad. I need to take out the trash than. I hate that I get lazy and don't take out the trash because it makes me feel and llok like a slob. Great now I propbably sound all anal about mess when Im not at all like that. Well im not a messy person but you know. Gosh reading over this I sound like such a pessimist and so boring. Oh well. Time sure is going by pretty slow. I want to make jell-o but I don't think I have room in fridge for it. Gosh some lime jell-o would be pretty good right now. I wonder how jell-o becomes jell-o . Like how does it form the way it does? Whats in gelatin to make it stiffen up and turn into jell-o. One day Im going to find out. More than likely I won't do it but it seems reassuring to tell myself that Im gooing to look into it. It makes me feel productive. Im worried about my financial situation right now. I still have almost 4000 to pay off and I got a loan for that and all but I don't know where that money is or who I need to talk to in order to get my hands on it. Tomorrow I guess Ill just need to go to the ssb and talk to someone about that. I can't think of anything else right now. I feel like Im just waisting time typing nothjing but if this ios what was wanted than who am I to say no. This should be an easy a or at least I hope. I hope the instructor doesnt read this and just because I said easy A then Im going to get like a b or something. Just in case Im sorry even if this seems easy I do my work and I dedicate time so when it comes down to it, I think I deserve that a . Great Im already negotiating for my grade and the instructor hasnt even seen this assignment. I wonder if this class will ever offer extra credit if ever im in need of some assistance? I doubt it especially if most of my high school teachers would just laugh if the subject was brought up. But then again a lot of those teachers had massive egos even though some of them had readon to have them. Ironically the teacher who had the most reason to have an ego was the most down to earth and lenient. Is lenient even a word? Oh well anyhow the teacher, her name was Ms. Ng, she scored perfect on her SAT's. How the heck did she ever pull that off. And since she did I have no idea why shes teaching at Edison. In case you dopnt know which you probably don't Edison is a public inner-city school in San Antonio and it does not have the best of reputations. I hate that though because any time your talking to someone important and you think your sounding intelligent and going somewhere with your conversation they would always seem to ask what school do you go to? And that great conversation just plummets to hell when you respond Edison . Esdpecially with teen-agers who think they are too good to even know of someone from Edison. Well thats their loss because Im a great person to know and I don't fit the Edison stereotype. There should be no stereotypes. They are just not fair. Hey cool ranting on and on made the time go by fast and its almost up. just 35 more seconds. 30 now. Wow this is actually good stress relief I should do this more often when I have time. | 1,536 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 30 | Being a twin I always wonder if my brother thinks like I do. I don't mean like does he have the same thought I mean does he see the world in the same perspective as me. My mind like to wander and I imagine many different scenarios in my head. Like where I will be in 20 years how long I will live and why people act the way they do. Everyday I think of the things why people seem to not want to try and others try there hardest. Then you have people who succeed no matter what and I wonder why them. Then there are people who seem to go no where in life. I am not seriously making this up for the past year or so I have been trying to figure out the world. I guess since I have left home many things in my life have changed some for the good and others just different from my life at home. I also wonder in my head a lot are we all determined to do a specific job or career. I felt at one time I was determined to be an astronaut, but now I am leaning towards the media business. I would like to make a movie that answers many questions that people are struggling with mainly people that are going through changes in the life. Although change is not necessarily it creates a sense in my mind at least that this could either be a bad and good experience. I am talking about me coming to college. If this writing seems to be changing topics a lot then that is probably because that is how I think I continuously switching ideas in my mind. It is a wonder of why I have some of the thoughts I have, but we wont go into that. Being my first to take Psychology I wonder what the class is going to offer me, how it will help me to explore the human mind. I have also noticed that while being at college my sleep patterns have changed I stay up late get up early sleep on the weekends. Since being here I have started some sort of routine as far as my day goes, but I often wonder why us as people have routine and if they are inevitably unavoidable. This summer I worked in a grocery store was it fun no not really but it gave me a perspective of how I should view the world. There would be weeks when I got up at before 5:00 am everyday I kind of got this feeling like is this what I will be doing for the rest of my life. I thought to myself therefore I will do good in college to help better the career. Working forty hours a week and making about three hundred dollars I wondered a lot of times how some one lived on that and I guess they do somehow. That is why it kind of bothers me that we have some of these people blaming the economy on one person when I believe there is an overall problem in certain area. But are we certain at all what goes on. | 2,319 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 2 | My friends keep me awake until ridiculously late hours, and then are so inconsiderate as to wake me up early in the morning. Today for example, my friend Kevin woke me up around 9 this morning, after keeping me awake until 4 in the morning! I have 4 and a half hours of classes on this day, not to mention a bible study at 7, and I'm supposed to help clean up the Erwin Center for a fund raiser after the Shania Twain concert. I don't think I'm going to do that though, as I really need to catch up on some sleep. At the same time though, I'm also excited to hear from my friend Jaren in Maine. There's really a weird story behind how we met. As most people do nowadays, I was chatting online in one of the chatrooms. This girl was the only one who didn't seem to lie about how pretty she is and how rich she is etc. , so I had a fascination with her from the beginning. She actually sent me the private message first and asked where I was from, what I do for fun, what I look like etc. From that day on, there hasn't been a single day where we haven't written each other. After a few months in fact, we began calling each other on a regular basis, which didn't please my parents at all. hehe. I know her better than her friends do, which really gives me much pleasure. We send each other pictures and we're really open about what we do and stuff. I don't think I've ever kept anything from her, and I know she doesn't keep anything from me because she tells me things that she knows would upset me, but she tells them anyway. Over these last few months, I've grown to love her as a girlfriend. Weird, I know. Well, she feels the same about me and she's planning on visiting for the first time sometime this winter. I even get jealous when she talks about other guys, which is really weird, first of all because we've never met in person, and second of all, because she lives over a 1000 miles away. Talking about her always reminds me of my other friend Christina. There's another funny story behind this relationship as well. She was best friends with one of my good friends, Yoon. Well, Yoon liked this one guy named Young, and they always hung out together. Christina and this guy Brian hung out with them too all the time. Well, Brian started to like Christina and she detests him, so she felt really uncomfortable alone with him. One time, she felt so awkward, that she decided to call me, even thought we'd never met or talked before ever, rather than have to talk to Brian. Yoon gave her my number and told Christina that I was easy to talk to and to get along with. Well, Christina and I ended up talking for over 4 hours that night. Every night since then, we talked on the phone every day for hours at a time. If it wasn't for her, I would've averaged more than 4 hours sleep a day!! I began to grow very fond of her as well. I got incredibly jealous when she dated my best friend Allen. He treated her like crap and that really upset me. They broke up after a month, but because he was best friend, I couldn't ask her out. I wasn't sure what the consequences would have been. She moved to California in early June, and that was probably the most sad I'd ever been in my life. A few months before she left, I decided to tell her how I felt, and to my surprise, she felt the same way about me. That actually depressed me even more, because I passed up the chance to be with the girl I wanted to be with most. Well, things don't always work out the way you want them to. One thing I'm worried about right now has nothing to do with what I've been talking about. Its my car stereo. Many people think I'm weird because I have this fascination with naming my possessions. For example, my car stereo cost over 2200 and I named it Veronica. My tennis rackets have names as well. My favorite racket is called Excalibur. Anyway, I'm famous for my stereo because not only does it sound very nice, but it can shake your house from miles away. hehe. Well, my apartment that I live in isn't in the nicest of neighborhoods, so I've been extra cautious about playing it loud so that people won't know its in there. Last night though, I was showing off to one of my friends and forgot about it. A group of who appeared to be "gang members" walked past my car and everyone of them was staring at my car. I heard stories about how many people got their cars broken into, so I was really scared at that moment. I'm always looking out the window when I hear a noise now. It's getting kind of ridiculous. My roommate warned me about that, but I was too caught up in trying to show off to my friends. I can only hope that it doesn't get stolen. I've got a huge headache right now too. I think it's a combination of several factors. One, is that I haven't gotten any sleep. Another is that I am "kind of" sick right now, feeling a little light headed. Its also very hot in this house. I try to take naps after class, but I had absolutely no time today. But at least I have the weekend to look forward to. My eating habits have been rather unhealthy as well. Too much fast food and going out. Its showing too, around the gut that is! Some people have started calling me "jiggly jay", while others change it up a little and call me "gigolo jay. " I'm not quite sure why they call me Jay either. My name is Jason and I've always gone by Jason. Some things just don't have an explanation I guess. Hope you enjoyed reading this. | 489 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 17 | Well, I really don't know what to talk about now. I can't really think of what I am feeling. I guess relaxed and at the same time stressed. I have so much chaos in my life now that I can't even think straight. I just moved to a new city and a new home. I joined a soroity where I am suppose to meake all new friends in 1 week or less. I have a boyfriend that is non-exsistent in my life now. I have school work that I don't even know how to work on. I am just a mess. I am going home next weekend so maybe that will calm my nerves. I was very much overwhelmed when I came here about 3 weeks ago. I wasn't ready at all for this new experience in my life. I was but I wasn't at the same time. I was so ready to leave my parents but not to be on my own all the time. I sometimes feel depressed that I have no life but in actuality I really have it the best. I am waiting for my "boyfriend" to come and see me tomorrow. I have been waiting for 2 weeks. Don't know how long it will last. There are a lot of guys here that are also interested. I don't know. One minute I feel upset and just want to cry and roll up and the next I just want to go out and have so much fun. I miss my parents and brother so much. My dogs are also important to me and I dearly miss them. In high school I never use to study and now I am forced to or I will fail. Which the tachers don't give a crap about if anyone fails or not. In high school they did. I have so much to get use to and I am scared to tell the truth. I don't know why this is a question because no one will read this so I won't get into a lot. I am having fun though. I have met some really cool people and I know we will be friends for a long time. My soroity has also been a big aspect in my life right now. AEPhi is the name of it. I feel comfortable there and I know I will enjoy it immensley. Well, I don't know what else to talk about. I hope everything will turn out for the better and I can realx and actually enjoy myself and everyone else. | 677 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 30 | I am pretty proud of myself today, for I got much more accomplished than I thought I would. I figured that after my last class I would just take a nap. But instead, I went to the gym and had a great workout. It's always good to make a plan of everything that you want to do in a day. I always have to do lists. They are so useful, and I feel so organized when I make them. And when I finish everything on one list, I feel so good. It is a great feeling. I haven't been having too many great feelings recently. I'm not sure if I like it here. I don't think I ever will either; that is what bothers me the most. Everyone keeps telling me that it is going to get better, that I'll meet more and more people that I like. I just don't think it's going to happen. I really wish I had gone to Brandeis, for things would be so much easier. It is a smaller school, near Boston, much closer to my parents. Then I'd be able to see Brian and Jessie so much more often. I probably could see them every weekend if I wanted to. My phone bill would definitely be a hell of a lot less. That would be so good, because I don't have enough money. I feel bad asking for more from my parents, but it would just be so much easier. I think I really want to apply for that job at George Women. That is definitely a cool store because it has everything that I love there! Another thing I have noticed about being a college student, is that now I don't care about how I look or dress or anything like that. In high school, it was such a big deal to wear the "right" clothes and things like that. I didn't even mind doing that, and it seemed normal. I just miss my friends so much. I made such great connections with three people in high school, and I miss them so much. I am so jealous of all my friends who are so close to each other. Why do I have to get stuck with going to this huge school? It's not fair that I have to go through so many changes all at the same time. I just wish things were easier. It would make me so much happier. I feel like I have done something awful, that I deserve to feel like crap. I know that if I just keep on going, day by day, then things have to get better. I'm just so used to having so many friends and knowing so many people. I have just gotten thrown into this huge pile of people, and not knowing any of them is just plain weird. I just hope that getting use to this school will be a lot easier and quicker than it seems like it will be. I think that things will become so much better once I get used to this school. I certainly hope so because I just want to be happy. | 1,361 |
1 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 26 | Okay, my thoughts. a jumble right now, let's see if I can sort them out. My feelings are peaceful array, overwhelmed, giving God praise and glory for His awesomeness. I just looked at a person, just looked at his face, tried to figure out if he was good-looking or not and then punished myself for doing it because I have a guy, I need to stop looking at others. Or do I, confusion is going on in there right now but also a peace or something that is covering over all of it. Put there by God I know His truth will come out in time. I am suppressing something, a feeling I have a lot. Suppressing emotions, bad things, allowing myself to think of something?? I don't know, is it a discipline to control the mind. deep down is that constant. God is there watching loving taking care of me, His will is at the center, my will fighting with His will, but another side of me so wanting Him to take over and control my whole life. I am tired, but why? I slept in until 9:00a. m. today, I shouldn't be tired, I wonder if the sky and weather outside have anything to do with it?? a little bit down. i didn't hear from Jeromed today yet. always that little doubt, is he given up? but I doubt but deep deep down I know ther is something there holding it so strong, or stopping me from worrying and getting taken over by it, a holding on so hard to God and knowing that what He has deemed right and true will come for I have given Him my life to be in control of . Why did that Psychology test ask such dumb questions? I mean about sex and just assuming that everyone has had it and asking about it. I feel a little bit dirty considering and thinking about those different types of sex there are. I am pure, a virgin and I plan to stay that way until marriage. It is so sad, but those types of people must be rare in the world today, I have been secluded from the real world it seems, well kind-of, not too much. Actually what is the real world. I'm thinking and holding onto the fact that actually the way God sees things is the real world. We can blind ourselves so easily to what is real and fake and what really does or doesn't matter. People care so much about nothing. things that won't last things that won't follow aor come with them after they die, now I'm getting bored with this subject but I want to finish it out. I so desire my roommates to come to know Christ. I am worried about my witness and just as I live what I portray, today's society doesn't care about who or what you worship, oh it's all good , hey that's great you believe in this and she in that and I in this. How sad is that, the truth is God, but also people won't accept that unless God is there working , what does convince a person to become a Christian or is that the right words to use, now onto camp, a picture of the campfire with boys all around it, the orange nice comforting mysterious warm flames in the middle of a set of logs and as I approach it down the steep hill I hear jabbering and talking and I see the beautiful red, orange, pink cloud overhead, how is that so beautiful? How do those colors come out? I don't know, but it is awesome! then I see the staff, Jerome, Susan, Nicole (she most prevelently), Holly, and others. then I sit next to Jerome and my heart just warms up, I don't know what to say or where to look and I'm just glad I'm next to him, we can't touch, don't let the kids know that we are dating, it would be better if they didn't know about this, Jerome had said, okay, with God's help I can behave myself. It's not that hard to make myself do something, good. We sit there and I just glance at him and his one yellow and blue eye and his other blue eye, how in the world did someone so handsome and with so much integrity and love come to want me and want to date me and care for me. I don't know, I have no idea about myself, it's just me and though, me , a continuous struggle and fight to let God rule and reign or me to take over. Again how is Christ going to shine. I don't want to change with god and though deep down he is there and it seems nothing will change that, but how do I know what will happen in the future? I don't, but the one person I do know and is always there is in the future now and knows. all-knowing, all-powerful, everywhere, God!! Not myself, I can't ever be god I am so fallible and a sinner! Only God! Okay, just looked at the clock and actually I am enjoying this writing all my thoughts. At the beginning I was skeptical of this whole assignment. why should I focus on myself? anyway, it is fun to put into words my thoughts and interesting what I actually think about within 20 minutes. It seems a lot of Jerome and of God and issues. These are my thougts for the last 20 minutes. Hmmm! :) | 751 |
0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 1 | 5 | I am thinking about calculus. I wish I could be working on Calculus instead of doing this assignment. I wonder if I am doing this assignment correctly. Do we need to write about what exactly we are thinking, or in question/sentence format. Well I made a decision at the very beginning to write it in sentence format because that is how I have been taught to write at school for so long. I am hungry. I should have made prepared something in the oven, so when I am done with this assignment I would be able to eat it. Now I have started so I must suffer the consequences and be hungry for twenty, or approximately 17 more minutes. I am thinking about what the purpose of this assigment is. I guess it is so you will think about what you are thinking. I want to type things in here as if I was talking to someone, but then again I quickly remember that I am supposed to be writing my stream of consciousness. How fast should I be typing. Should I think about it, then type it, or think about it as I am typing it, or is it a combination of both. Today, I have thought so much about thinking. A new concept entered my mind last night and it is pretty incredible. I can actually get a better grip on my thoughts and thus I am better able to control what I am thinking. This is good because the more control of yourself you have, the more control of every situation you are put in you can then have also. I think that sentence did not make much sense but I know that I know what I am talking about. I am still really hungry. I wonder how many minutes I have to go. Oh, its at the top of the screen, so far I have completed 8 minutes. What else is there to talk about? I don'e exactly know what Im thinking about right now. wait. ok. . I think I am thinking too hard. Well what would you like me to write about. what I think about really depends on what I am trying to think about. and thinking about thinking seems like it leaves my mind blank. But then again, it is not blank at all. I feel like today was a great day. Everyday that I am alive is a great day. I also think that I worry too much, but when I worry less I have time to think about the things that really matter. But what really matters? I am soooooooooo hungry. I only have 9 more minutes to go. This writing assignment has to be one of the easiest, requires alot less effort , than most writing assignments. But this assignment is different from all the rest in the fact that I am actually starting to see how this (thinking/ stream of consciousness) works. Once I master it, I feel like I will have accomplished one of the hardest challenges in the world. to find one's self. Ok. . now my stomach is growling. I will be so happy when today is over and I get to lay my head to rest. I am going to appreciate sleeping alot more now that I think about it. It really not only gives your body a break but it also gives your mind a break. Today I feel like my mind has been in overdrive. I have had at least three people tell me I am deep, and I met alot more people today. User's guide. this book sitting right in front of me. I guess I took a break in thinking, and that is what I saw. I am so tired. physically, mentally. I have not pushed myself as much as I did today, and somehow I know it will be for the better. I am so glad that my parent's pushed me to go to college. I think it is an absolutely great/priceless experience that everyone owe's to themselves. Knowledge is power, knowledge about one's self and knowledge about the world are two great tools when your digging through that thing called life. I love that college has brought to my attention some ideas that would have never crossed my mind prior. Well I just looked at the time again and I have approximately 30 more seconds. I ho | 1,799 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 0 | 18 | What is my problem? I have got to be the biggest bum on the planet. Does that mean I have some kind of psychoanalytical problem? I don't know about complexes and childhood mistakes but I do know that there is really something disturbingly lazy about my attitude towards things. What kind of person could put his entire future on the line by not taking care of his college responsibilities? I am that kind of person. I'll probably drop out of college or something and what's even worse is that I see the problem staring me right in my face but I am either to lazy or to apathetic to change my situation. Maybe I am a combination of both. Honestly, what will my parents say? Well, my Dad will probably be relieved that I came back home to him. Not in the way most families would be relieved though. He would just have another speech to hang over my head after every other mistake I may make in the future. He will probably totally dominate on me like he used to back in the day. He literally did not care about how you felt. Maybe that is not quite accurate. I am convinced that he cared about people, and he cared about the family structure as a whole, however his total control over everyone in the house was clear and unbinding. He probably would have defended us with his life, I am sure of it. It is ironic; he would die for us but he wouldn't compromise with us to save his life. Compromise? Never! God forbid! I know it cannot be that hard to prioritize. Wait a minute. How funny is that? I of all people have no business trying to tell someone to prioritize especially when it will be a God sent miracle if I turn in all my assignments this semester. But maybe, just maybe I have stumbled on to something here. I mean, well, what is the point I am trying to make? Maybe I recognize similarities between my persona and the people I have associated myself with over the years. Duh that's a no brainer. But it is interesting the way one can tell. With my friends it is very, very easy to see that we all talk and act and think alike. Sometimes we deliberately change ourselves to fit the mold. With people you dislike it is very different though isn't it? It seems that what we see in them we hardly see at all. I can feel, if almost by instinct, that he and I have some very serious related issues, however one doesn't just stumble over them in his summation of the days events. A person has to be writing on a day very much like today, working on an assignment, very much like this one, following his "stream of consciousness. " Whatever that means is almost beside the point as far as I am concerned. Maybe this is like a journal or something. Maybe I should start writing a journal or something. I can be like "Captain James T. Kirk" writing his "captains log. " Wow. How did I get so off track? All I know is that I started this thing at twelve sixteenpm which means that in another minute I will be able to stop writing about my pitiful mental concepts. I'll probably drop off in mid sentence or something | 1,371 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 30 | hmmm. at 18, my life thus far has been where I want it. The USMC has given me the newfound sense of self one craves after a monotonous high school career. Football, basketball, summer activities, UIL academic meets, clubs, and band, they say, will be the things you cherish for the rest of your life. Memories. They will be the best years of your life say those who never went to college. The next 4 will be your best years of your life. " say those who have. But will they be? The Crucible was more difficult than anything I could ever imagine attempting, but I made it. Lying in a pit covered in barbed wire and mud and feeling the wildest sense of dread, failure, hatred, anger for being awake for 3 days with only 2 MRE's to last the entire ordeal. Feeling that the sun would never set. Being away from my family and everything that I loved for a quarter of a year with no means of contact besides staying up after lights out, sitting on a stone cold toilet in the head because it was the only source of light by which to write. Knowing that you're giving up the sleep, the rest, that will carry you through the next day. Hate towards the others in the platoon for their Goddamn stupidity, hard-headed, fight without listening to reason, their never-ending bitching and trying to hold an edge over everyone else. It's a real life world of shit. Brings to mind that show on MTV called "Oz", haven't seen but advertisements for it. Prisoners talking about "the hard life" of prison. What do they have that I didn't have at MCRD San Diego. Prison vs. Boot Camp. They have TV, books, newspapers, double ply toilet paper, free time, phone calls, a weight room, good food, the right to lay on the rack whenever they wish, the right to sit down, cigarettes, the ability to do whatever the hell they want. What did I have? Not a single one of those things. A month in the desert, worrying that one of North America's pit vipers or coral snakes would find its way into my sleeping bag as I slept on a rocky desert floor, or the guy next to you on the firing line would trip and put a 5. 56mm round into your back, or falling while hiking without light on a steep slope in the middle of a moonless night with 80 pounds of gear and splitting my grape on a rock. Days go by slow when you're having a bad day at the office or in the classroom. Time is suspended when you're so miserable that you would almost rather die than continue through the rest of training It was a different sort of feeling felt in life. Hadn't had if before. but I miss it. I'd never felt so alive. What we take for granted in life: friends, our favorite book, the faithful German Shepherd, a home cooked meal, a grassy lawn, a drive down a country road that reminds you of your childhood. those are given new meaning. The feeling of infinite pride, accomplishment, belonging, knowing that you live your life not for the boss, not for others, not for money, not for possession, and knowing that you cannot be defeated. I felt that during Marine Corps graduation. That is what I will remember and cherish in life. Throwing the "greatest party", making $100 grand a year vs $40, driving an Aston Martin. What does that crap mean if you don't truly own yourself? Like those who fawn over celebrities or drive expensive cars that their ego thrives on but their families at home cannot afford. They will never know the meaning of life. I know that I may never be the investment banker that all college kids know they will be, but I will have a rich life. I will not be the movie star that everyone knows they will be, but I know that I will be loved by those who matter to me. I look forward to the future. | 2,198 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | 19 | Hello, well I'm writting my stream of consciuness at a friends room because the ethernet at my room does not function as of yet. So here I am pondering as to what to say. It angers me that I have not been able to log online at my apapartment yet. i intead to call the ethernet people and ge the situtation rectified but as of yet I have not had ample enough time to properly do that. Well, school is pretty cool so far so I don;t have much to complain about, I just ate lunch and suprisingly the school cafeteria food isn't that bad, in fact it sort of is pretty good, they have nice burgers and I always pile on the tabasco like the bastard I am. Twenty minutes is quite a long time, I bet my response here would be more interresting if I was under the influence of some intoxicating something or other, not that I do that sort of thing, but who really cares right? I seriously doubt anyone is reading this and if you are then I send out a hearty "hey hey hey". Well hey, anyways,b back to the subject at hand wich is nothing except for the monotomous and endless stream of infinity that flows through my veins like a vapor of the serpent that eats tiny little fleas that impend on the consciouness of the letter better red little ant eater. Oh hey, are you following my consciouness? Or are you thinking that I have lost my mind in the impending fires of infinity that ingulf the ebb and tide of an ocean tht haas not yet come to grips wit hthe reality that condesends to the vast pits of a sub-world burried in the truths of a mad man who has lost all sense of truth, pity, and denial, opting aptly for the tools osf self destruction and the endless orgasm of the inevitable ghost. So we can fully understand our prophets. who cares? who cares about the subtle truths that we seek to uncover in I various means of apathetic lethargy? perhaps we schould quote some famous scholar and then abolish our reason with the tip of a hat a cigar made from banana leaves? Where have our morals gone today? Where is the profanity in a language that adulates the adoration of adulturation and the abominal abortion of the spirit of the infite wisdom burried in the truths of an incoharant lunatic rambling at the sppeed of a jack rabbit copulating wit hthe pourpouse of my reasoning. Well I ponder if it's been twent ymintues yet, and I think that it indeed has so I must depart with a hearty hand shake and in the words of the infinite wisdom of the great and all mighty pooh bear, say ta-ta for now. take it easy and such. where is the party in the silent room? Indeed if you know won't you please come and joing me. All is ripe for the tacking. So long for now. | 806 |
0 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 14 | I'm sitting all stressed out. For the first time since if got to UT I've had to study and do homework for a large period of time. I guess for the first time since I've gotten here I'm starting to realize how much work its going to take. The fraternity stage is getting old. They don't tell you that you are going to be busy about everyday of the week doing sometimes pointless stuff. I'm new to the fraternity scene and already I'm feeling somewhat burned out. And paying a lot of money to clean the frat bathrooms isn't my idea of fun anyway. Even drinking is getting old. Its almost to the point that you can expect to get messed up every night and that takes the fun out of the whole thing. I don't like admitting this to myself but it would be nice to see someone from the family right now. I'm not homesick just kind of feel like I'm missing out on everything that's going on in my brothers and parents life. It's hard to deal with the fact that the family life is never going to be the same again which is somewhat of a relief but also a little scary. At least I am enjoying living with my roommates. They were my friends before I came here but I am a bit surprised to how good we are getting along. With my friend dying last week I found myself today thinking I saw him in other people. The reality of death has hardly set in on me. His picture of him alive is hanging right in front of me, but its hard to comprehend there is no more life in him. I almost feel like all my experiences with him were pointless because he is dead. Even seeing him in an open casket I failed to connect him laying there to his death. I attribute this to the fact that this is the first person in my life that I was close to that has died. It's weird but it will help me in the future to deal with the harshness of death. More than ever I think along the lines of life after death. I'm firm in my beliefs regarding the subject but I somewhat question what its really like. I guess you never take death seriously until it effects you on the personal level. I hear of people dying everyday but it has never registered to me how important everyone's life his to someone else out there. And above all I guess the possibility of death seems more likely. I feel less likely to put myself in situations where my life is on the line. | 1,109 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | Is U. T. for me? Should I have stayed with my friends in Houston? I thought I was going to meet to meet a lot of new people here. I don't know what to do? Why am I here? I don't even know what I want to be. Is college even for me? I hate that song. I think I could be happy with a low paying job. I don't know. People here are different; maybe it's just me. College is supposed to be the best time. I over think everything. I should just go with the flow. Everyone tells me you will love it here once I meet a few people, but it seems unlikely. I have met a lot of new cool people, but I can't see them being as close as my friends back home. Even the girls here act differently. I have meet a lot of new girls, but it wasn't what I expected. It seems like I'm the only one who feels this way. I know I over think everything. Maybe I'm not giving U. T. a chance. I think I'm trying, but I feel awkward here. I worry way too much. I don't know why I always think about this. That music is loud. I hate complaining like this, its useless, but it's all I think about. Who knows maybe I'll meet new people when I go to I. S. A. tonight. But I know it's going to be like everything else, you might meet new people but you will never see them again or get to know them. I'm so glad I am going home this weekend. What will I do? | 1,284 |
0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 1 | Right now, I'm a little confused. I'm not sure how one goes about tracking their feelings, or even focuses on them long enough while typing. I'm wondering if anyone is really going to read this. While I'm a little frustrated with the assignment, I think I would much prefer to be the one typing than whoever the poor soul is that has to read 900 some odd of these things for whatever purpose. OK. My arm itches. Now I feel stupid for typing that. I'm a little tired. It's almost 9 at night and I've been at school all day. 17 and a half minutes. I'm sitting in the UGL. I like their computers because they are much faster than mine at home. I only have dial up. Also, I like the library computer lab because I like to listen to all the clicking of the keys on the keyboards by the other people in the room. Now I'm a little self conscious that I may be hitting the keys too loud. I'm typing much quieter now. 14 and a half more minutes. I'm in a chair that rotates and rocks. I like chairs like that because I can move around. I can't sit still too long. I'm a fast mover. Even in class I'm constantly rocking, or fidgeting, or drumming with my fingers. I'm getting tense. I'm anxious for the 20 minutes to be up. 12 and a half minutes. I'm running out of things to say. This is very much like a one sided conversation. OK. I'm stumped. I'm sitting here racking my brain, but in doing so I think I'm violating the purpose of this assignment as being random. 10 more minutes to go. My arm itches again. Ha ha. I have my cell phone next to the keyboard. My girlfriend got it for me, but I hate it. It gets horrible range, and the ring is weak. It rings like an old feminine man. I'm ashamed to carry it around. My girlfriend insists, though, so I do. It's the path of least resistance. I'm better at arguing than she is, but she can argue longer, and in the end, it's her endurance that wins out. I'm swinging in my chair. I seriously hope no one has to read this. I hope this is some study about how long 18-24 year old males typically type in 20 minutes or something. My sincere condolences to whomever has the misfortune of pouring over each one of these with the intent to interpret some psychological insights. 3 more minutes. I'm perking up a little bit. I can see the proverbial finish line. I'm swinging in my chair again, but my arm stopped itching. Yeah! 2 minutes. OK. Now, I'll admit. I'm stalling. I'm holding out for 2 minutes. This is like watching water boil. What I'm feeling? I've never been so anxious all day as I am right now. 1 minute. I'm stumped. 10 seconds. Bye! | 1,912 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 16 | I lost interest of the situation but after a whole summer of not talking to her I started to miss her. I had attempted to email her but she never responded, I guessed that she was mad at me. I have emailed her 6 times with no reply but I am a persistent bastard so finally today, in fact just before I opened this page I decided to check my email as I do every day and there was her email. it explained that she had not checked her email all summer, it may not be true but it works for me. I proceeded to write her back thereby postponing this assignment around 10 minutes. I will eagerly await her reply as I basically demanded to see her. We'll see if she accepts. I never checked to see when I started this but I will keep on writing until I run out of shit to say. I assume that cursing is not a problem, I understand that this is a class full of naive little freshmen but I think we are all mature enough to hear such profanities, don't worry I wont go pornographic or anything but the instructions were to write what was on my mind and I am an avid cusser so I hope this will do (that is if anyone actually reads this masterpiece of stream of conciousness writing). now I am running out of things to say. I like most of my classes. my major is biochemistry. I am 20 years old. I have brown hair blue eyes, I like to play football watch football, OPENING DAY IS SUNDAY! I live for football actually, I like movies, I am filling in space. this is odd and I am going to stop now. thank you kent | 565 |
1 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 0 | 16 | I'm supposed to be writing from my stream of consciousness. I guess I'll find out how random my thinking is, as if I didn't already know. I really like this CD too bad this is his only one. I wonder what CD I should listen to next. I should try to call Janet again. I really want her to come visit me up her. I know how much she likes Austin. I'm really glad that I didn't buy those tickets for the Chemical Brothers since now I have a math test that night. I wonder when the concert starts. I really do want to go. And the concert is the day after my birthday, it would be a present to myself. Plus, I've been waiting 2 years for them to play in Texas. I really like this song. This room is rather boring. We definitely need to get some more stuff on the walls. I have to make a list of stuff to pick up when I go home, otherwise I will forget everything and I don't know when I'll be going home again. I think I'll listen to Semisonic next. I haven't listened to that CD in awhile. I'm glad I decided to bring the CD with me. Today is Deidre's birthday, and Allison's. I should send Allison a card. I wonder if Kisha got the one I sent her. I need to get a prepaid calling card so I can talk to her. She needs to come visit me too. I should probably email her again. This bed is so hard, it's making my back hurt. But I have to admit, it's not quite as hard as the one I had during orientation. You would think the mattress would give some after having so many people sleeping on it. I miss my bed at home. It's so comfy. Wow there are a lot of people walking by all of a sudden. I think that this is one of the coolest assignments I've gotten in a long time, it's much better than all the busy work I had to do last year. My mom will be happy to know that I like my psychology class. I won't be talking about music all the time, I'll actually have something related to my major to tell her. Well I think that's been my 20 minutes of truly intelligent thinking. | 761 |
0 | 1 | 0 | 0 | 1 | 9 | I am so down in the dumps right now because I have just broken off a two year relationship. I seriously hope I didn't just throw away the best relationship I ever had or will have. I can't help but feel slightly unattractive right now because Mark has already started to get over me quite well and Reid and Eric don't treat me the way they used to. I dont understand why people can't simply be honest about the way they feel. I probably have spent half of my life wondering what everyone else was thinking. I t is such a waste of time. If I saw a girl and she seemed really nice, I don't see why I couldnt just go up to her and be like, "hi" And guys won't ever meet a girl with the intention of gaining a friend. The whole process is so much more exasperating than it seems worth at times. The friends I have now are my good friends. I just instantly clicked with them. There wasn't any of this trying not to seem overly eager to hang out with you bullshit that usually goes along with the turf of making new friends. That's sort of why I resent Plano I guess. The stupid system and expectations they have totally just messed me up in the head. I don't have nay self-confidence. It is hard to feel like you are somebody in a class of 1500. I wasn't good at any sports, or at least not good enough to play there. so why did I come to a school with 50000 people full of clicks just like it was in high school? I will probably be perpetually putting on the front of self-confidence and self-assuredness. thats what sucks about the world. Everybody just bullshits everyone else. People are so insincere and self-serving. I know I am. there are so many rules that govern the group that you belong to. You can't wear what you want or anything. I am not saying that I don't like the way that I look but every now and then it would be cool to go out in what I want to wear or whatever and I could know that people weren't talking about it behind my back. Looking at my thoughts on screen makes me so ashamed of them. I'm nit a bad person. I just kive up to every part of the whole Greek system that ever gave it a bad name. rush is such a load of crap. everyone acts like they know or care who you are. it all turns out to be the same people in the same crowds that they ran around with in high school. I wish the rest of the work wasn't like this too. But I guess is doesnt matter where you go because it will always be the same old bullshit. pretty girls date the cutest boys who have the good luck to bring home the big bucks to raise their kids in an upper middle class lifestyle. so it goes. Kurt vonnegut really knew what was up. That's why I like him because he doesn't preach all this "the sun will come up tomorrow crap" he knows that if the sun comes up tomorrow you will probably get a really bad sunburn and die of skin cancer in the end. I hope mark doesnt meet any girls at this party I just don't want it to be too late to have him back once I get this whole lifestyle change thing out of my system. | 127 |
1 | 1 | 1 | 1 | 0 | 30 | Currently my mind is drifting from one focus to another. Today is my 9 month Anniversary with my girlfriend and best friend in my life. She is the best thing that ever happened to my life. I want to by her a ring and I have been giving it plenty of thought. I have been experiencing a guilt trip as of last night. I thought about my grandmother, who is affected my Alzheimer's. I felt gult come over me when I thought of all the times I yelled at her. I live my grandmother but thats not the damn of it. I generally understand that I am not truely mad at my grandmother when I yell at her. I am mad at the disease. I don't want to loose her or any other member of my family. I got addmitted to the Business school thats the reason I am here. And I have been thinking that I have not earned the opportunity of a lifetime that I am living. I worked harder than most and I played 4 sports and still graduated 16 of 400 in my Senior class. But again I feel guilt when a prodigous amount of people introduce themselves and they mention their major. What should be a privelege to me is actually the most dreaded words I could say, I'm in the Business School. People look at me in dismay and in a downward direction which I can officailly say bothers me. I love my mom. . She called me today and gave me a few more pointers that should have stayed under 2 minutes in our conversation. She is so worried about me. Oh and this paper im writing is helping me to think of all the things that are roaming in this spaceous mind I have. My roomie says that I complain alot. . do I. My girlfriend has said the same but I disagree with them both. I just want to be the best at everything and I have to win or im not happy. Just knowing that my effort was not enough haunts me for days. God made me competitive and thats the way I live. Back to that Business thing. . I worked my butt of to get into that school and this college. See my parents had a divorce my junior year of High School. Thus, my lack of attending school cause my grades to faulter as well as my happiness. My dad left us and I can still see tears in my mom's eyes as we carried opposite ends of the furniture and tears trinkled down her face. Besides that I'm in love and I have the best girl I could ever dream of. Her mom says we can't be together but all through our Senior year we stayed together. Sacrafice, that is what makes a best- friend a best friend. Not loyalty and all the Universal answers to what makes a best friend. She sacraficed her family to be with me. Her mom said, either u have him and loose your family or you can listen to me and forget about him. She chose me in an instant. . For a long time I woundered why. . And to this day the only answer I could find is love. True love is what we share and today is 9 months. Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it. My grandfather had to raise me since I never had a father. That hurts me more than the world could ever know. Oh another thought came to me. I am suffering from sexual frustration. I'm not sure if I can say that but you asked for whats on my mind not what you want to hear right? Well me and my girlfriend have not seen each other for alomost a month and 1/2. Seems like forever but we will be fine. We pray every night for help and hope to some day get married. I nedd to buy a ring. . let me write that down. If i complain too much sorry. Thats just me right? | 1,751 |
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