Apple Jokes

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Apple really is the most futuristic company out there

They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!

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My 18 carat gold butt plug business was sued by Apple

Apparently they have a patent on expensive stuff for arseholes

I want to buy Apple’s new monitor but I only have $4,000...

I can’t stand it!

I bought the president of Brazil an Apple TV for the holiday.

And all he got me was an Amazon fire.

How do you milk a sheep?

Put an apple logo on it.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

Old Soviet joke. What is huge, noisy, eats 20 liters of gas per hour and cuts apples in 3 pieces?

Soviet machine that cuts apples in 4 pieces.

If you see a robbery at an Apple store...

Does that make you an iWitness?

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If you have 10 apples in one hand and 10 apples in the other, what do you have?

some big ass hands

A slice of Apple pie is $3 in Jamaica and $2.50 in The Bahamas...

Those are the Pie rates of the Caribbean!

If A is for Apple and B is for Banana, what is C for?

Plastic explosives.

Foolproof: How I became a billionnaire in just 15 days. You can do it too.

When my wife and I got married we only got 0.50$ of combined wealth.

I was wandering around in the fruit market in desperation, that was when I saw an apple for 50 cents. I was so hungry that I spent our 50 cents in a blink of an eye. On one apple.

But then it hit me: What have I done?...

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Finding one in your vagina.

I got kicked out of the Apple store for farting

It’s not my fault they didn’t have Windows

Why was the Apple uncomfortable in the fruit bowl?

Pear pressure

What do you call an Apple pie that's smoking a joint?

A baked apple pie!

A doctor and a bus driver are both in love with the same woman, an attractive girl named Sarah. The bus driver had to go on a long bus trip that would last a week. Before he left, he gave Sarah seven apples.

When Sarah asked why he said, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

"Sir, I know you are having trouble typing in your password." "Please can we try again. Your password is capital A as in Apple, lowercase T as in Tom, the number 4, Q as in Cucumber... "

This is something I actually said during my call center days. The call screeners wouldn't let me forget for months.

How many apples grow on a tree?

....All of them

Have you heard of the new Apple Product designed to protect your eyes?

What are the similarities between an apple and a depressed kid?

Apple are making more money than me selling phones and computers.

I'm not sure why everyone is so shocked at Apple's $1000 monitor stand

Just seems like typical Apple grandstanding to me

An apple a day can keep anyone away

as long as you throw it hard enough

If you don't believe 'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'...

...try throwing it harder next time.

It's foolish to compare apples and oranges

But oranges are clearly better

Did you hear about the orchard owner that made a girlfriend out of apples?

He came in cider.

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What’s as big as a house, burns 20 liters of fuel every hour, puts out a shit-load of smoke and noise, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A Soviet machine made to cut apples into four pieces.

Joke you've probably already heard in the amazing TV Show Chernobyl

Apple is planning on getting into the electric car manufacturing business.

Only when their cars are finally out in the market for sale, it will be fully autonomous. The steering wheel is optional. It will be sold separately for $5,000.

An apple pie costs $7,95 in Jamaica,

In Cuba you will have to pay $9,90,

Whereas in Barbados you will only spend $4,50

These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

The Story of Apple

It was an apple that kicked Adam and Eve out of heaven. It was an apple that made Newton discover gravity, and since then everyone has to study it. Nowadays, it's an apple that we spend all of our money and time. So through the history whenever human being got f\*\*\*ed it was because of an apple!

People are worrying about Huawei stealing personal info but it's the Western technologies (Apple, Blackberry, Raisin, Raspberry pi) that we should be concerned about.

They're much more likely to be inciders.

An apple fell on newton. It was then he realized

He could not afford a stand

I was finishing an apple and I nearly chipped a tooth on it.

It was pretty hardcore.

A farmer was picking apples when he heard a noise from his pond. He walks over and sees three young women skinny dipping.

They notice him and crouch in the water up to their shoulders. “Go away! Stop spying on us!” The farmer says “Sorry ladies, but I didn’t come out here to see you naked.” Holding up his apple bucket he says “I came to feed the alligator.”

Do you know why they say "an apple a day keeps the doctor away"?

Because doctors are smart people. Smart people use Windows.

These jokes about apple are getting old really quickly.

Punch line: $999

What do you get hanging from apple trees?

Sore arms.

A few days ago Apple introduced the new Mac Pro with up to 1.5 TB of RAM...

I can finally use Google Chrome.

I wondered for a long time why Apple and Microsoft went straight from iPhone/Windows 8 straight to X/10...

Then it finally occurred to me that 7 ate 9.

The new apple XDR monitor costs $999

Oh wait.....that's for the stand

Imagine if Apple sold apples?

The price would make me go bananas.

Why can’t you compare millionaires Tim Cook and donald trump?

Apples and oranges.

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Why do Apple users live in basements?

Because they don't like Windows!

I heard Apple are planning on developing a computerized car

Unfortunately, they're having trouble installing windows

Is it safe to eat apples in Chernobyl?

Pretty much, yeah, only the apple cores should be buried in concrete afterwards.

Apple just released a joke book, and here's is an extract...

LICENCE NOT FOUND

Please Pay $999 To View Joke

A normal day at the Apple store

Me: *Walks into an Apple store.*

Apple employee: Hi, what would you like today?

Me: I got $1000 to buy anything I want.

AE: Then our iPhone XS will be perfect! You can have the power of a computer right in your pocket. You can call, text, browse, play games, and so much more!...

Apple releases an apple ..

Apple starts selling an apple in the shape of it's iconic logo. People stand in long lines to get the shiny, plastic sealed apples.

One curious customer tears open the plastic seal and finds a dead bug inside. The media gets wind of it and approaches the CEO to get comments.

He says: "...

What do you call 69 people waiting in line at an Apple store?

iQueue below 70

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Damn girl. Are you Apple’s terms and conditions?

Because I don’t give a fuck what you’ve got to say

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The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.” “We...

The Apple iCar production has stalled

There’s been a lack of Jobs

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What do r/Jokes and Apple have in common?

Both like to churn out the same old shit.

Apple built a football stadium...

When a fan goes to buy a ticket...

Fan: How much for a seat and a part of the safe standing area access?

Ticket seller: that will be $600

Fan: What about just the stand?

Ticket seller: that will be $1,000

What’s green, hangs in a tree and shouts: I am an apple! I am an apple!

A crazy pear!

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A guy from Apple promised me a pre-release of a new product if I sucked his cock this morning. As if I would compromise my values for such a materialistic item!

Sent from my iPhone XI

Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.

There's a lot to do in Chicago.

A woman went to a fruit store and bought an apple.

The store owner: "Do you want that sliced in 4 or 8?"The woman: "4, I'm on a diet."

What did the Apple user say when another person showed him a r/Jokes post?

Haha...iknow that, ireddit!

Why did Jon Snow go to the Apple Store?

For the Watch.

What do you call security guards at the Apple store?

Adam and Eve.

Damn girl are you an apple product?

Because you’re expensive and useless

A man goes to the Apple store

To upgrade his iPhone, wondering why all the new products looked the same as the old but had a plus next to them.

He asked an employee who said, "yeah if we add a plus next to the products people think they're better than the really are."

Later that night as the man was getting frisky...

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One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

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How do you like them apples?

A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke

The bartender plops an apple in front of him.

"But I wanted a drink"

The bartender says "Just try it."

The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!"

"Turn it around," says the bart...

Apple made a new tablet computer catered towards children but had to abandon the product before it hit the market...

... market research deemed that "iTouch Kids" didn't go well with the target audience.

Back in school, I took an apple tart to Detroit, Flint, and St Louis

My teacher had asked me to take pi to three dismal places

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:

First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.

Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.

With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2dollars each.

Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you m...

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several gorgeous nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them.

“Oh, nothing,” she says with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”