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How I Met Your Mother S01E01 Pilot list | How I Met Your Mother S01E02 Purple Giraffe list | How I Met Your Mother S01E03 Sweet Taste of Liberty list | How I Met Your Mother S01E04 Return of the Shirt list | How I Met Your Mother S01E05 Okay Awesome list | How I Met Your Mother S01E06 Slutty Pumpkin list | How I Met Your Mother S01E07 Matchmaker list | How I Met Your Mother S01E08 The Duel list | How I Met Your Mother S01E09 Belly Full of Turkey list | How I Met Your Mother S01E10 The Pineapple Incident list | How I Met Your Mother S01E11 The Limo list | How I Met Your Mother S01E12 The Wedding list | How I Met Your Mother S01E13 Drumroll, Please list | How I Met Your Mother S01E14 Zip, Zip, Zip list | How I Met Your Mother S01E15 Game Night list | How I Met Your Mother S01E16 Cupcake list | How I Met Your Mother S01E17 Life Among the Gorillas list | How I Met Your Mother S01E18 Nothing Good Happens After 2 A.M. list | How I Met Your Mother S01E19 Mary the Paralegal list | How I Met Your Mother S01E20 Best Prom Ever list | How I Met Your Mother S01E21 Milk list | How I Met Your Mother S01E22 Come On list | How I Met Your Mother S02E01 Where Were We list | How I Met Your Mother S02E02 The Scorpion and the Toad list | How I Met Your Mother S02E03 Brunch list | How I Met Your Mother S02E04 Ted Mosby Architect list | How I Met Your Mother S02E05 World's Greatest Couple list | How I Met Your Mother S02E06 Aldrin Justice list | How I Met Your Mother S02E07 Swarley list | How I Met Your Mother S02E08 Atlantic City list | How I Met Your Mother S02E09 Slap Bet list | How I Met Your Mother S02E10 Single Stamina list | How I Met Your Mother S02E11 How Lily Stole Christmas list | How I Met Your Mother S02E12 First Time in New York list | How I Met Your Mother S02E13 Columns list | How I Met Your Mother S02E14 Monday Night Football list | How I Met Your Mother S02E15 Lucky Penny list | How I Met Your Mother S02E16 Stuff list | How I Met Your Mother S02E17 Arrivederci, Fiero list | How I Met Your Mother S02E18 Moving Day list | How I Met Your Mother S02E19 Bachelor Party list | How I Met Your Mother S02E20 Showdown list | How I Met Your Mother S02E21 Something Borrowed list | How I Met Your Mother S02E22 Something Blue list | How I Met Your Mother S03E01 Wait for It list | How I Met Your Mother S03E02 We're Not from Here list | How I Met Your Mother S03E03 Third Wheel list | How I Met Your Mother S03E04 Little Boys list | How I Met Your Mother S03E05 How I Met Everyone Else list | How I Met Your Mother S03E06 I'm Not That Guy list | How I Met Your Mother S03E07 Dowisetrepla list | How I Met Your Mother S03E08 Spoiler Alert list | How I Met Your Mother S03E09 Slapsgiving list | How I Met Your Mother S03E10 The Yips list | How I Met Your Mother S03E11 The Platinum Rule list | How I Met Your Mother S03E12 No Tomorrow list | How I Met Your Mother S03E13 Ten Sessions list | How I Met Your Mother S03E14 The Bracket list | How I Met Your Mother S03E15 The Chain of Screaming list | How I Met Your Mother S03E16 Sandcastles in the Sand list | How I Met Your Mother S03E17 The Goat list | How I Met Your Mother S03E18 Rebound Bro list | How I Met Your Mother S03E19 Everything Must Go list | How I Met Your Mother S03E20 Miracles list | How I Met Your Mother S04E01 Do I Know You list | How I Met Your Mother S04E02 The Best Burger in New York list | How I Met Your Mother S04E03 I Heart NJ list | How I Met Your Mother S04E04 Intervention list | How I Met Your Mother S04E05 Shelter Island list | How I Met Your Mother S04E06 Happily Ever After list | How I Met Your Mother S04E07 Not a Fathers Day list | How I Met Your Mother S04E08 Woooo list | How I Met Your Mother S04E09 The Naked Man list | How I Met Your Mother S04E10 The Fight list | How I Met Your Mother S04E11 Little Minnesota list | How I Met Your Mother S04E12 Benefits list | How I Met Your Mother S04E13 Three Days of Snow list | How I Met Your Mother S04E14 The Possimpible list | How I Met Your Mother S04E15 The Stinsons list | How I Met Your Mother S04E16 Sorry Bro list | How I Met Your Mother S04E17 The Front Porch list | How I Met Your Mother S04E18 Old King Clancy list | How I Met Your Mother S04E19 Murtaugh list | How I Met Your Mother S04E20 Mosbius Designs list | How I Met Your Mother S04E21 The Three Days Rule list | How I Met Your Mother S04E22 Right Place Right Time list | How I Met Your Mother S04E23 As Fast as She Can list | How I Met Your Mother S04E24 The Leap list | How I Met Your Mother S05E01 Definitions list | How I Met Your Mother S05E02 Double Date list | How I Met Your Mother S05E03 Robin 101 list | How I Met Your Mother S05E04 The Sexless Innkeeper list | How I Met Your Mother S05E05 Duel Citizenship list | How I Met Your Mother S05E06 Bagpipes list | How I Met Your Mother S05E07 The Rough Patch list | How I Met Your Mother S05E08 The Playbook list | How I Met Your Mother S05E09 Slapsgiving 2-Revenge of the Slap list | How I Met Your Mother S05E10 The Window list | How I Met Your Mother S05E11 The Last Cigarette Ever list | How I Met Your Mother S05E12 Girls VS. Suits list | How I Met Your Mother S05E13 Jenkins list | How I Met Your Mother S05E14 Perfect Week list | How I Met Your Mother S05E15 Rabbit or Duck list | How I Met Your Mother S05E16 Hooked list | How I Met Your Mother S05E17 Of Course list | How I Met Your Mother S05E18 Say Cheese list | How I Met Your Mother S05E19 Zoo or False list | How I Met Your Mother S05E20 Home Wreckers list | How I Met Your Mother S05E21 Twin Beds list | How I Met Your Mother S05E22 Robots vs. Wrestlers list | How I Met Your Mother S05E23 The Wedding Bride list | How I Met Your Mother S05E24 Doppelgangers list | How I Met Your Mother S07E01 The Best Man list | How I Met Your Mother S07E02 The Naked Truth list | How I Met Your Mother S07E03 Ducky Tie list | How I Met Your Mother S07E04 The Stinson Missile Crisis list | How I Met Your Mother S07E05 Field Trip list | How I Met Your Mother S07E06 Mystery vs. History list | How I Met Your Mother S07E07 Noretta list | How I Met Your Mother S07E08 Perfect On Paper list | How I Met Your Mother S07E09 Disaster Averted list | How I Met Your Mother S07E10 Tick Tick Tick list | How I Met Your Mother S07E11 The Rebound Girl list | How I Met Your Mother S07E12 Symphony of Illumination list | How I Met Your Mother S07E13 Tailgate list | How I Met Your Mother S07E14 46 Minutes list | How I Met Your Mother S07E15 The Burning Beekeeper list | How I Met Your Mother S07E16 The Drunk Train list | How I Met Your Mother S07E17 No Pressure list | How I Met Your Mother S07E18 Karma list | How I Met Your Mother S07E19 The Broath list | How I Met Your Mother S07E20 Trilogy Time list | How I Met Your Mother S07E21 Now We are Even list | How I Met Your Mother S07E22 Good Crazy list | How I Met Your Mother S07E23 The Magicians Code Pt.1 list | How I Met Your Mother S07E24 The Magicians Code Pt.2 list | How I Met Your Mother S08E01 Farhampton list | How I Met Your Mother S08E02 The Pre-Nup list | How I Met Your Mother S08E03 Nannies list | How I Met Your Mother S08E04 Who Wants to be a Godparent list | How I Met Your Mother S08E05 The Autumn of Breakups list | How I Met Your Mother S08E06 Splitsville list | How I Met Your Mother S08E07 The Stamp Tramp list | How I Met Your Mother S08E08 Twelve Horny Women list | How I Met Your Mother S08E09 Lobster Crawl list | How I Met Your Mother S08E10 The Over-Correction list | How I Met Your Mother S08E11 The Final Page Part One list | How I Met Your Mother S08E12 The Final Page Part Two list | How I Met Your Mother S08E13 Band or DJ list | How I Met Your Mother S08E14 Ring it Up list | How I Met Your Mother S08E15 P S I Love You list | How I Met Your Mother S08E16 Bad Crazy list | How I Met Your Mother S08E17 The Ashtray list | How I Met Your Mother S08E18 Weekend at Barney s list | How I Met Your Mother S08E19 The Fortress list | How I Met Your Mother S08E20 The Time Travelers list | How I Met Your Mother S08E21 Romeward Bound list | How I Met Your Mother S08E22 The Bro Mitzvah list | How I Met Your Mother S08E23 Something Old list | How I Met Your Mother S08E24 Something New list | How I Met Your Mother S09E01 The Locket list | How I Met Your Mother S09E02 Coming Back list | How I Met Your Mother S09E03 Last Time in New York list | How I Met Your Mother S09E04 The Broken Code list | How I Met Your Mother S09E05 The Poker Game list | How I Met Your Mother S09E06 Knight Vision list | How I Met Your Mother S09E07 No Questions Asked list | How I Met Your Mother S09E08 The Lighthouse list | How I Met Your Mother S09E09 Platonish list | How I Met Your Mother S09E10 Mom and Dad list | How I Met Your Mother S09E11 Bedtime Stories list | How I Met Your Mother S09E12 The Rehearsal Dinner list | How I Met Your Mother S09E13 Bass Player Wanted list | How I Met Your Mother S09E14 Slapsgiving 3 Slappointment in Slapmarra list | How I Met Your Mother S09E15 Unpause list | How I Met Your Mother S09E16 How Your Mother Met Me list | How I Met Your Mother S09E17 Sunrise list | How I Met Your Mother S09E18 Rally list | How I Met Your Mother S09E19 Vesuvius list | How I Met Your Mother S09E20 Daisy list | How I Met Your Mother S09E21 Gary Blauman list | How I Met Your Mother S09E22 list | How I Met Your Mother S09E23 Last Forever Part One list | How I Met Your Mother S09E24 Last Forever Part Two list |
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[
"Kids, I'm gonna tell you\nan incredible story.",
"The story of how I met your mother.",
"Are we being punished for something?\n- No.",
"Yeah, is this gonna take a while?\n- Yes.",
"Twenty-five years ago, before I was Dad,\nI had this whole other life.",
"It was way back in 2005,",
"I was 27, just start... | [
"Okay, where was I?\n- You were telling us how you met Mom.",
"In excruciating detail.\n- Right.",
"So, back in 2005, when I was 27,\nmy two best friends got engaged.",
"And it got me thinking,\nmaybe I should get married,",
"And then I saw Robin, She was incredible,",
"I just knew I had to meet her,\nTha... | [
"So there was this one night,\nbefore I met your mother,",
"when I really wanted to go to the bar.",
"The bar. Big surprise.",
"You sure spent a lot of time in bars.",
"Well, that's just what we did back then.",
"Me, Marshall and Lily, Barney, Robin,",
"We all used to hang out\nat this one bar called Ma... | [
"Kids, when you're single, all you're\nlooking for is happily-ever-after,",
"but only one of your stories\ncan end that way.",
"The rest end with someone getting hurt.\nThis is one of those stories.",
"And it starts with a shirt.\n- A shirt?",
"Just listen.",
"Because none of this\nwould have happened",
... | [
"So, kids, would you like to\nhear the story of the time I went deaf?",
"Why does he even ask?\n- I know, he's just gonna tell us anyway.",
"I sure am. It all began",
"when Robin strolled into the bar\nand said...",
"Say you're my bitch.\n- I'm your bitch.",
"Why this time?",
"Because tonight,\nI am get... | [
"You know how Aunt Robin's\na big fan of Halloween?",
"Always dressing up in crazy costumes?",
"Well, she wasn't always that way.",
"Back in 2005, she thought she was\ntoo cool for Halloween.",
"Unlike Aunt Lily,",
"Guess what came in the mail today?\n- Our costumes?",
"Do they rule?\n- They rule.",
"... | [
"So, kids, there are\nmany buildings in New York City.",
"Thousands of apartments,\nMillions of stories,",
"And even though it's been decades,\nand someone else lives there now,",
"there's one apartment in particular,\nthat will always be our apartment,",
"I have so many great memories\nof that place,",
"... | [
"Kids, before I met your mother,",
"when I was still out there searching,\nI learned something valuable.",
"That love is not a science.",
"Wow, that was a great story, Dad.\n- We're gonna go watch TV.",
"You see, sometimes in life",
"you just have to accept\nthat certain things can't be explained,",
"an... | [
"Kids, this is\na Thanksgiving story.",
"Thanksgiving in New York\nis a wonderful time,",
"It's a time for giving of yourself,\nfor thinking of your fellow man,",
"A time when the unforgiving city\nbecomes a little kinder,",
"Well, I just ralphed.",
"How much did you guys drink last night?\n- Not how much... | [
"Now, I remember a lot of stories",
"from back in the days\nbefore I met your mother,",
"But there's one story I don't remember,",
"Uncle Marshall still refers to it\nas the \"pineapple incident,\"",
"The night started like any other,\nWe were downstairs at the bar,",
"Hey, it's on the house.",
"Whoa!\n... | [
"Kids, the thing about\nNew Year's Eve is that it sucks.",
"Sure it looks great on TV,",
"But in reality,\nit's always just a big letdown,",
"But in 2005,\nI attempted to do the impossible;",
"to give my friends a great New Year's Eve,",
"I had an idea of how to do it, too,",
"and all it cost was\nhalf ... | [
"When you're single,\nand your friends start to get married,",
"every wedding invitation presents\na strange moment of self-evaluation,",
"Will you be bringing a guest\nor will you be attending alone?",
"What it's really asking is,",
"where do you see yourself\nin three months?",
"Sitting next to your gir... | [
"Kids, in life there are a lot of\nbig romantic moments,",
"and they make life worth living,",
"But here's the problem,",
"Moments pass,",
"And lurking just around the corner\nfrom those moments",
"is a cruel, unshaven bastard named reality,",
"And so, back in 2006,",
"on the night of\nClaudia and Stu... | [
"When you meet someone\nspecial suddenly life is full of firsts,",
"The first kiss,",
"The first night together,",
"The first weekend together,",
"For me, all those firsts happened\nwithin 48 hours of meeting Victoria,",
"They've gotta come out soon. It's Monday.",
"Do you think they've been in there\nt... | [
"Kids, something you\nmight not know about your Uncle Marshall",
"is that he's always been good at games,",
"I mean unbeatable,",
"Gin!",
"Yahtzee!",
"Poker!",
"You don't have to shout out \"poker\"\nwhen you win.",
"I know. It's just fun to say.",
"We all finally agreed,",
"Marshall should be\nru... | [
"Kids, when it comes to love,",
"the best relationships are the ones\nthat just come naturally,",
"My first solo batch.",
"I think those need to stay in the oven\nawhile longer.",
"Here's a professional tip.",
"If it's still runny, it's not a cupcake.",
"It's a beverage.\n- Yeah, well...",
"Things wit... | [
"When your Uncle Marshall\nwas 10 years old,",
"he read a book called\nLife Among The Gorillas.",
"It was written by an anthropologist\nnamed Dr., Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez,",
"and it told the story of the year she spent",
"living among the western lowland gorillas\nof Cameroon,",
"When Dr., Birnholz-Vazqu... | [
"Previously on How I Met Your Mother.",
"She was completely amazing,",
"She was amazing and funny and...",
"You have feelings for Ted?\n- Maybe.",
"I've just been offered a fellowship\nat a culinary institute in Germany.",
"Do you wanna try long distance?\n- Yes!",
"\"This long distance thing sucks, huh... | [
"Her favorite CD\nin the Otis Redding box set? Disk three.",
"My favorite? Any guesses? Anyone?",
"Come on. Disk three!",
"God, Victoria's so amazing.\nI could talk about her for hours.",
"What do you mean could?",
"I'm sorry. It's just...",
"God, I'm crazy about this girl.\nIt feels like, maybe...",
... | [
"Kids, about eight months",
"into Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall's\nengagement,",
"there occurred\na game-changing emergency,",
"Van Smoot is available.\n- Oh, my God.",
"Van Smoot House\nwas a gorgeous mansion",
"right on the Hudson River,",
"It had everything Marshall and Lily\nwanted for their wedding,... | [
"Kids, life is a dark road,\nYou never really know what's up ahead,",
"One night, you're cruising along,\nenjoying the ride,",
"and then all of a sudden, you're 28,",
"And for the birthday boy, lasagna.\n- Thank you.",
"Careful. The plate is very hot.\n- Okay.",
"Oh, go on, touch it.",
"Sweet damn, that... | [
"It was May of 2006\nin New York City, and life was good,",
"But everything was about to change,",
"So what do you think?",
"Robin again?",
"Ted, the universe clearly does not want\nyou and Robin to be together.",
"Don't piss off the universe.\nThe universe will slap you.",
"Don't you think the universe... | [
"Okay where were we?",
"It was June of 2006,",
"and life had just taken\nan unexpected turn.",
"Dad, can't you just skip ahead\nto the part where you meet Mom?",
"I feel like you've been talking\nfor like a year.",
"Honey, all this stuff\nI'm telling you is important.",
"It's all part of the story.",
... | [
"Marshall and Lily had been\ntogether for nine wonderful years,",
"until she dumped him and\nran off to San Francisco.",
"The healing process\nwas taking a long time.",
"Then, one night,\nhe made a giant leap forward.",
"All right,\nI'll see you guys later.",
"I'll walk you out.",
"See ya.",
"You just... | [
"It was taken back in 2006, when\nGrandma and Grandpa came to visit me",
"and we all went out to brunch.",
"We all look pretty\nhappy, right?",
"Wrong.",
"I wish your face\nwould melt off.",
"I wish your eyeballs\nwould explode.",
"I hate you.\n- I hate you more.",
"I'm going to kill him.\n- I can't s... | [
"Kids, sometimes your relationship\ngoes so smoothly for so long",
"that you think it will be\nthat way forever.",
"It never is.",
"Well, we just had our first fight.",
"We had our first fight.",
"Oh, no, what'd you fight about?",
"Oh, no, what'd you fight about?",
"A few months ago,\nmy architecture ... | [
"Your Uncle Barney was always\nalways a bit of an enigma.",
"In all the years we\nlived in New York,",
"none of us had ever set\nfoot in his apartment.",
"Until one day, one of us did.",
"It's a pretty good story.",
"And believe it or not,\nalcohol did not play a role.",
"It all started two weeks\nearli... | [
"Kids, when you reach your late\n20s you might be surprised",
"to discover you still don't\nhave life quite figured out.",
"Like with Aunt Lily.",
"Even though she was back\nfrom San Francisco,",
"she was still on a\nquest to find herself.",
"It's just that all I've ever\ndone is teach kindergarten.",
"... | [
"So, I guess that decides it.\n- Yup.",
"Hanging out at a coffee place",
"is not nearly as much fun\nas hanging out at a bar.",
"Man, what's that?",
"What?",
"That cute coffee girl\nwrote a heart by your name.",
"Somebody has a crush on you.",
"Somebody thinks you're me.",
"Do you really\nthink she ... | [
"And so, after six months apart,",
"Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall\nwere finally back together.",
"Oh, my God.",
"These pancakes are delicious!",
"Yes. Thank you.",
"Um, I learned how to cook while\nyou were gone this summer.",
"Oh. Do you want to\ncook dinner tonight?",
"Yeah, sure.",
"How about panc... | [
"..learn about relationships\nis that you're never done",
"getting to know someone.",
"Everyone has secrets.",
"Some are nice.",
"You know how to make crepes?",
"That is so cool.",
"Some aren't as nice.",
"And then there was Derek,\nand counting you,",
"that puts the total up to--\n- Oh, I got your ... | [
"Kids, there's nothing more wonderful\nthan New York City in the winter",
"... except the view of New York City",
"in the winter\nthrough your apartment window.",
"In the winter of 2006,",
"Marshall, Lily,\nRobin and I were all deep",
"in couple hibernation mode.",
"Sadly, this left Uncle Barney\nout i... | [
"Fsx you spend with your family.",
"So in December of 2006,\nI had three options.",
"Spend it with my mom\nand her new boyfriend Clint,",
"spend it with my dad and his\nnew girlfriend micro-brewing,",
"or head down to Staten Island\nto spend it",
"with my super religious cousin\nStacy in her family",
"S... | [
"Kids, you remember\nmy first day with Robin.",
"I think I'm in love with you.\n- What?!",
"Well, here's the thing, normal people,\nyou know, people who aren't your dad,",
"usually take longer to say \"I love you.\"",
"Robin went through the usual stages.",
"Spider! Spider!\n- I left something in the hall... | [
"Some kids dream of\nbeing astronauts.",
"Some kids dream of\nplaying baseball.",
"When I was a kid,\nI had only one dream.",
"To build a skyscraper.",
"That's stupid.",
"There were some\nobstacles along the way.",
"But eventually my\ndream came true.",
"I became an architect.",
"Morning, everyone!"... | [
"Kids, I told you stories\nabout all the big holidays--",
"Christmas...",
"Halloween...",
"Thanksgiving...",
"but one holiday was\nalways my favorite--",
"Super Bowl Sunday.",
"And there was one\nSuper Bowl back in 2007",
"that I will never forget.",
"Marshall, you're\non beer detail.",
"Lily, you... | [
"Kids, never underestimate\nthe power of destiny.",
"Because when you least expect it,\nthe littlest thing",
"can cause a ripple effect\nthat changes your life.",
"Take for instance\nmy trip to Chicago.",
"That security guard was\na little bit handsy.",
"That's funny.\nShe barely touched me.",
"Uh, Gate... | [
"Kids, the key to a good\nrelationship is communication.",
"You need to talk.\n- How about Mimi's?",
"Nah, I don't really\nfeel like Mimi's.",
"Well, I'm hungry.\nLet's just pick a place and go.",
"Oh, you know where we\nshould go? Cynthia's.",
"You love that place--\nremember what a great time we had",
... | [
"This is awesome.",
"I can't believe this\nmoment's finally here.",
"One more mile and my\nlittle boy turns 200,000.",
"Your baby Fiero's grown into\na really old man Fiero.",
"And just like an old man,",
"he leaks fluid, smells stale,",
"makes weird noises\nout the back.",
"Yeah, he does.",
"Hey, l... | [
"Kids, in the spring of 2007, everything\nwas great between me and Robin.",
"So we decided to try\nand make it even better.",
"We decided to move in together.",
"So, I can have the moving\ntruck here by 8:00 am.",
"Does that sound\ngood to everybody?",
"By the way,\nwhat are you guys doing with Ted's room... | [
"It took me a while to figure out",
"but the key to understanding\nyour Uncle Barney is this.",
"When times are hard,\nit's impossible to keep him around.",
"Like when your aunt Lily\nand Uncle Marshall were broken up.",
"Hey. What are you guys talking about?",
"Lily.\n- I got to go.",
"But when times a... | [
"...some weird stuff started happening.",
"Why does my stomach hurt?",
"I'm sorry, baby.\nI ate a bunch of ice cream earlier today.",
"Oh, baby, you know\nwe're lactose-intolerant.",
"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.",
"Are you suggesting that\nwhen one of you feels something,",
"the other feel... | [
"In May of 2007,\nAunt Lily and Uncle Marshall got married",
"at the historic Van Smoot\nHouse in upstate New York.",
"Wow, it's beautiful, Lily.",
"Yeah. It's just how\nI always pictured it.",
"Well, that was a load of crap.",
"You see, kids, when you get married,\nyou learn a hard lesson.",
"The weddi... | [
"Ladies and gentlemen,\nfor the first time ever",
"Mr. and Marshall Eriksen\nand Lily Aldrin.",
"Does it make you kind of sad that\nwe don't share the same last name?",
"You know, in a totally evolved\n21st-century kind of way,",
"yeah, a little.",
"You know what we should do?",
"We should come up with\... | [
"Ted: Kids, there's more than one\nstory of how I met your mother.",
"You know the short version,",
"The thing with your mom's\nyellow umbrella.",
"But there's a bigger story.",
"The story of how I became\nwho I had to become",
"Before I could meet her.",
"And that story begins here.",
"Dary!",
"Leg... | [
"So, being married...\nDifferent, not different?",
"It's the same. Mostly.",
"Except I think I might\nbe getting carpal tunnel.",
"My hand keeps cramping up.",
"I thought the whole point\nof getting married was",
"That you didn't have\nto do that anymore.",
"No, it's from writing\nall the thank you note... | [
"Ted: Kids, I know you think\nthat you've heard every story",
"From back before I met\nyour mother,",
"But there are\nsome stories you tell",
"And some stories you don't.",
"Oh, my god!...",
"oh, my god...",
"Use your words, ted.",
"Okay. Barney, I'm about to go\nfor the belt.",
"The belt?",
"The ... | [
"Ted: It was Saturday\nnight in new york city,",
"And the young metropolitan set",
"Was out on the town,\nliving the kind",
"Of crazy lifestyle you can\nonly find in the big apple.",
"97. 97.",
"98. 98.",
"99. 99.",
"100!",
"Lily: A hundred?",
"We only got to 82",
"On our honeymoon.",
"Lily: S... | [
"Ted: Kids, back in the fall of 2007,\nI was dating this girl named...",
"Oh, god, what was her name?",
"It's been 23 years,",
"I can't remember all this stuff.",
"For the sake of the story,\nlet's call her...",
"Everyone, this is blahblah.",
"Please, call me blah.",
"So, blah, how did you two meet?",... | [
"Ted: It was a quiet\nNovember afternoon in 2007.",
"I was working from home,",
"Because, you know,\nno distractions.",
"This is incredible! Oh, my god!",
"I can't believe it!",
"I have big news. Oh, my god!",
"Okay, my thing's pretty huge.",
"But fine, you can go first.\nOkay, I just",
"Found out..... | [
"Ted:\nKids, everybody makes mistakes.",
"Take this girl meg for instance.",
"She made a mistake,\na mistake named barney.",
"Yeah,",
"I thought I was gonna get\nmarried to my last boyfriend",
"But, boy, did that guy\nhave commitment issues.",
"That whole relationship...",
"That's three weeks of my\nl... | [
"Ted: Kids, the early bloom of a\nromance is a wonderful thing.",
"You meet someone, you have\na connection, and that person",
"Becomes sheer perfection\nin your eyes.",
"You just can't find\nanything wrong with them.",
"And you can't wait to tell\nthe world about it.",
"She convinced you to go jogging?",... | [
"Ted: Back when we were dating,\nrobin and I had this running joke.",
"We were the only two people in\nthe world who found it funny.",
"No way.",
"March does not have 31 days.",
"Yes, it does.",
"Everyone knows that.",
"It's like general knowledge.",
"General knowledge.\nGeneral knowledge.",
"And we... | [
"Ted: Kids, back in 2007, it\nseemed like everyone belonged",
"To these silly things\ncalled gyms.",
"The idea was you'd pay\nthem lots of money",
"To run around\nand lift heavy things.",
"Biggest rip-off in the world.",
"And yet people fell for it.",
"Including me.",
"Oh, forgot my wallet.",
"It st... | [
"Oh, my god!",
"I have a tattoo.",
"Oh, that's not a tattoo.",
"That, dear boy,\nis a tramp stamp.",
"A tramp stamp.",
"Ted: Kids, too often in life,",
"We make decisions that we're\nnot prepared to live with.",
"This is a story\nabout those decisions,",
"And the consequences\nthat follow.",
"Say ... | [
"Ted: Kids, I never would\nhave met your mother",
"Without a little luck.",
"Specifically,\nthe luck of the irish.",
"St. Patrick's day.",
"The one day of the year\nwhen every young person",
"In new york goes out\nand gets crazy.",
"Really crazy.",
"Okay, maybe not that crazy.",
"But by 2008,\nwe'd ... | [
"Narrator: Kids, sometimes\nin life you see someone,",
"And you just instantly know",
"This is the person for you.",
"It can happen anywhere.",
"Even the waiting room\nof a tattoo removal clinic.",
"And that's what happened\nwhen I met...",
"Stella.",
"Ah, the butterfly tramp stamp.",
"My bread and ... | [
"Narrator: Kids, back\nwhen we were younger,",
"Your uncle marshall and I were\nreally into college basketball.",
"Every year, March madness would\ntake over the entire apartment.",
"Hey. What's with the blackboard?",
"It's our ncaa bracket.",
"Big board equals big luck!",
"Hey, that looks familiar.",
... | [
"Narrator: Kids, the spring of 2008\nwas a pretty great time for me.",
"Stella and I had started dating,",
"And I'd just gotten\na big raise at work,",
"So I decided to purchase\nsomething I knew",
"Would be the envy\nof all my friends.",
"A new car!",
"Ted, this is new york city...\nyou're never gonna ... | [
"Narrator: Now, kids, when aunt robin\nwas a teenager she was, well...",
"A canadian pop star.",
"But by 2008, she was an\nentirely different person...",
"Coming up next:\nIs your baby trying to kill you?",
"Narrator: Which made\nthe events of that week",
"All the more surprising.",
"So, I go in this mo... | [
"Narrator:\nWell, kids, here we are.",
"We've arrived.",
"My 30th birthday.",
"The long-awaited story of...",
"That week started\njust like any other.",
"Barney woke up\nin some girl's bed.",
"In my experience, the way\nthis normally goes is,",
"We lie here for a while,",
"Make a little awkward chit... | [
"Narrator:\nNow, kids, the spring of 2008",
"Was a complicated time\nin your old man's life.",
"The last time I had seen barney\nwas shortly after I found out",
"He had spent the night\nwith robin.",
"Are you saying you don't want\nto be bros anymore?",
"I'm saying I don't want\nto be friends anymore.",
... | [
"Narrator:\nKids, in the spring of 2008,",
"Something kinda strange\nhad been happening",
"To your uncle barney.",
"He'd be doing great\nwith a woman...",
"So I throw the pressurized\noxygen tank in his mouth,",
"I shoot the tank, boom!",
"No more shark.",
"Mr. Holland and I swim\nback to shore.",
"... | [
"Narrator: Kids, this is\nthe story of the cab ride",
"That changed my life.",
"I know it sounds crazy,\nbut for all I know",
"My life would be very different\nif I had taken, say...",
"That cab.",
"Or that cab.",
"God knows\nwhat would have happened",
"If I had gotten into that cab.",
"I took this ... | [
"Kids, here's something\nI wish my dad had told me.",
"The longest pause you will\never experience in your life",
"is the one that follows\nasking the question...",
"Will you marry me?",
"Your brain goes into overdrive,\nimagining every possible response.",
"No.",
"Oh, God, no.",
"You want me to marry... | [
"Kids, when I first moved to New York,",
"it was dingy, disgusting,\ndirty, ugly, flea-ridden, stinky,",
"and altogether terrifying.",
"But then, sadly,\nthe whole city started to go uphill.",
"The streets got a little cleaner,",
"the rents got a little higher,\nand one by one,",
"the crappy old places ... | [
"Kids, in the fall of 2008,\nI had a little problem.",
"All right, I gotta get to Stella's.",
"Tonight's the night, guys.\nI've tried it before. I've failed every time.",
"This time, I am gonna do it.\nTonight I pick up a lesbian.",
"Robin, I need your lipstick.\n- Oh, man!",
"Take pictures, all right?\n-... | [
"Barney is crazy\nif he thinks this is gonna work.",
"I think it's gonna work.\n- I hope it doesn't work.",
"Here he comes.",
"You there, what's your name?\n- Excuse me?",
"Your name, woman, what's your name?",
"Cindy.\n- I knew it.",
"You're the Cindy,",
"the one who can change everything,\nor spell ... | [
"Hey.\nHey, guys, how's it going?",
"I'm just gonna finish this.\n- You...",
"We just had dinner\nwith Stella's sister and her fiancé.",
"They're getting married before us.",
"Okay, you know how you've dreamt\nabout your perfect wedding day",
"ever since you were a little girl?",
"Yeah.\n- Totally.",
... | [
"Kids,\nthe day you get married",
"is supposed to be\nthe happiest day of your life.",
"The perfect ending to a perfect love story.",
"My wedding, at least my first wedding,\ndidn't go so well.",
"Say that I'm changed",
"Say I'm different",
"Maybe I finally understand",
"Say I've let go",
"It's funn... | [
"I am not impressed\nwith the talent in here tonight.",
"And the more I drink,\nthe less attractive they get.",
"I'm one Scotch and soda away\nfrom the cantina scene in Star Wars.",
"What about those girls over there?\nThey're hot.",
"They're not hot.\n- Are you kidding?",
"I hated their guts the second I... | [
"Kids, in the fall of 2008,",
"your aunt Robin was unemployed\nand a little bit adrift.",
"So she valued her friendship with Lily\nmore than ever.",
"Hey, so I hear Marshall has to work late\non Friday.",
"You know what that means. Ladies' night.",
"Oh, actually one of the teachers\nat my school, Jillian,... | [
"Kids, everyone has an opinion",
"on how long it takes\nto recover from a breakup.",
"Half the length of the relationship.",
"One week for every month\nyou were together.",
"Exactly 10,000 drinks.\nHowever long that takes.",
"You can't measure\nsomething like this in time.",
"There's a series of steps."... | [
"Why do we fight?",
"What is that thing deep within each of us",
"that compels us to settle disagreements\nwith our fists?",
"Whatever it is,\nit's there right from the beginning.",
"Okay, okay, okay. Stop fighting.\n- Why?",
"Because it's stupid and juvenile.\n- We're six. We are stupid and juvenile.",
... | [
"Hey, guys.\n- Hey.",
"It's freezing out there. Where's your coat?",
"Ted, I'm Canadian. I don't need a coat.\nThis kind of weather is nothing for me.",
"Yeah. This is like a spring day\nback in Minnesota,",
"if it weren't for all the taxis\nand the skyscrapers and non-white people.",
"There aren't any bl... | [
"Kids, in the winter of 2009,",
"Aunt Robin and I had\njust become roommates.",
"And to be honest,\nit wasn't going very smoothly.",
"Ooh, that looks good.\nI'm gonna get some.",
"Mmm. There's no more milk.\n- No, I just saw some in the fridge.",
"Empty.\n- So throw it out.",
"The trash can's full.\n- S... | [
"Kids, in our sophomore year\nof college,",
"when Aunt Lily came back\nfrom spring break,",
"Uncle Marshall surprised her at the airport.",
"And she surprised him\nwith a six-pack of locally brewed beer.",
"Fort Lager-Dale! Get it?",
"And with that, a ritual was born.",
"For the next 11 years, whenever\... | [
"I can't believe Metro News 1 is just\nforwarding you all this fan mail now.",
"I know. I quit, like, four months ago.\n- Wow, you had more fans than I thought.",
"And only about 60% of them\nare prison inmates.",
"What are these guys thinking?",
"I am way past my dating prisoners phase.",
"It's like, hel... | [
"Barney, check it,",
"three blond babies drinking\nbad decision juice at 8 o'clock.",
"Nice rack radar.",
"That's my wife.\n- No, I got to get going.",
"Seriously? But they're blond and drunk.",
"Isn't that your type?",
"Maybe I don't have a type, Lily.",
"God, do you think the male mind\nis really th... | [
"Back in 2009, your Aunt Robin\ngot a job hosting a morning show.",
"Which meant she had to get up\nkind of early. How early?",
"Morning, everybody.",
"Hey!\nHey, Robin!",
"So you're actually doing it, huh?\nYou're actually going to work at 2:00 a. m.",
"Okay, I'm not doing it for me.\nI'm doing it for th... | [
"In March of 2009, I'd been\ndating my high school girlfriend Karen",
"for a few weeks.",
"My friends could not have\nbeen less excited.",
"Hey, everybody.\nHello.",
"Sorry, we can't stay long.",
"What a shame!\n- That is sad!",
"Hey, are those real diamond earrings?",
"Yes. Yes, they are. Thank you."... | [
"In the spring of 2009,\nI'd been hired to design",
"a new headquarters\nfor Goliath National Bank.",
"And I was eager to add\nas much of my voice as an architect",
"into the plans as possible.",
"Wood beams bathed in natural light\nin the atrium.",
"They're gonna love it!",
"There was only one problem,... | [
"You will not believe what happened\nat laser tag last night.",
"People freaked out because\na creepy man in a suit",
"wouldn't leave their kids alone?\n- No.",
"Well, yeah, pretty much.",
"Come on!",
"Ow! My shoulder!\n- Come on.",
"Stinson, my office! Now!",
"Crap.",
"Disorderly game play,",
"th... | [
"Lily, I heard this great joke at work today.",
"Dude, come on. She's not gonna like it.\nIt's boy-funny. It's not girl-funny.",
"That is sexist! Funny is funny, Ted.",
"Lily's cool. She'll appreciate this.\n- You're on your own, man.",
"Just tell me the joke.\n- Okay. Ready?",
"Lily, what's the differenc... | [
"Great. So, I'll give you a call.",
"Hope you do.\n- All right.",
"Look at this.\n- Hey, I just got that girl's number.",
"Check it out. Holli.",
"Nice!",
"Girls whose names end in \"L-Y\"\nare always dirty.",
"Holly, Kelly, Carly, Lily...\n- Hey!",
"Yeah, no, it's true.",
"Don't even get me started... | [
"In May of 2009,\nI was on the verge of scoring",
"my first big client\nas an independent architect.",
"I was willing to do anything\nto make it happen.",
"Here's what we want, son. It's real simple.",
"We're opening a restaurant\ncalled Rib Town,",
"and we want it to be shaped",
"like a cowboy hat.",
... | [
"Kids,\nStella Zinman was the girl",
"I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.",
"Until she left me at the altar,\nsmashing my heart to smithereens.",
"So when I ran into her seven months later,\nthere was only one way to deal with her.",
"Stella!",
"Great to see you!\n- You, too.",
"And Tony!",
... | [
"Every architect can point to that one\ndesign that changed their career.",
"For me, it was around the time\nof my 31st birthday.",
"It wasn't a museum or a concert hall\nor a skyscraper.",
"It was something else.",
"We're opening a restaurant called\nRib Town, and we want it to be shaped...",
"Like a cow... | [
"Kids, on my first day as a college professor,",
"there were two things I didn't know",
"that I wish did.",
"The first thing was that your\nmother was in that classroom.",
"The second thing?",
"Well, to explain that, we have to go back",
"to the beginning of the summer,",
"when, after a year of wrestl... | [
"This is the story\nof two blind dates.",
"One in 2009...",
"And one seven years earlier.",
"In all that time,\nmy dating routine",
"remained more or less\nthe same...",
"...until the fall of 2009,",
"when I finally had a date\nthat was different.",
"Because it was\nexactly the same.",
"I was on a b... | [
"Kids, your uncle Barney had been called",
"a lot of names over the years.",
"Jerk!",
"Bastard!",
"Barack Obama Jr?!",
"Mm-hmm.",
"And yes... we can.",
"But there's one name none of us",
"ever expected\nto hear him called.",
"Boyfriend.\nBarney Stinson is my boyfriend.",
"I've said it, like,\na ... | [
"It was the Fall of 2009\nand I was a professor now.",
"So I decided to change my look\na little bit.",
"And people were noticing.",
"Ah, tweed.",
"Textile of the eunuch.",
"You know, I've always",
"Wondered why those tweed jackets\nhave elbow patches.",
"Because the people who wear\nthem are constant... | [
"Kids, as you know,\nAunt Robin grew up in Canada.",
"That meant sometimes she\ndressed a little differently.",
"Okay, let's do this!",
"Sometimes she talked\na little differently.",
"Ted, this hydro bill is bigger\nthan Louis Cyr's biceps.",
"What, you leave the garburator\non all night, eh?",
"She hun... | [
"NARRATOR: In the fall of 2009,\na new couple had moved in upstairs.",
"We hadn't met them yet,",
"but we could hear them,\nall the time.",
"They were always...",
"Well, kids, let's just say\nthey were always",
"\"playing the bagpipes.\"",
"Okay, this is ridiculous.",
"I can't believe those\ntwo are s... | [
"Kids, as long as I'd known\nyour Uncle Barney,",
"he'd always had some\npretty strong opinions",
"on relationships",
"Your girlfriend?",
"She's your girl friend?!",
"She's a girl\nand a friend?",
"Dont humanize\nthe enemy, Ted.",
"But nice to meet you.",
"Barney Stinson.",
"And yet,\nin the fall... | [
"NARRATOR: Kids, the secret\nto dating is very simple:",
"Be confident, be comfortable\nin your skin,",
"be assured of who you are.",
"Uncle Barney was really good\nat that last one,",
"even though a lot of the time\nwho he was was someone else.",
"Hi. Do you see that guy\nover there in the scuba suit?",
... | [
"In November 2009,",
"Uncle Marshall\nand Aunt Lily hosted",
"the first Thanksgiving\nat their very own apartment.",
"And Marshall had found\nthe perfect turkey.",
"Oh, baby, it is beautiful.",
"It's 22 pounds.\nIt's organic.",
"You remember my bald\nUncle Heinrek?",
"It looks exactly like his head.",... | [
"Well, got another one.",
"Oh, boy.",
"What's in the box?",
"What's in the box?",
"What's in the box?!",
"What's in the box?!",
"Right?",
"Brad pitt? Seven?",
"Nothing?",
"Yeah, I'm the jerk.",
"What's in the box?",
"Well, ever since marshall and lily got their own place,",
"His mom keeps se... | [
"Kids, back in 2009,",
"your Aunt Robin was the host",
"of a morning show\nfor local New York cable.",
"And it was on early.\nHow early?",
"Mike? wakey, wakey.",
"But then, everything changed.",
"Hey.\nHey.",
"See my show?",
"Oh, I meant\nto watch it.",
"I just got so busy",
"with the whole\n\"b... | [
"When you're about to meet\nsomeone really important.",
"It's not like life gives\nyou a warning.",
"You just look up and there they are.",
"Come on, we're going to go\nget trashed on the roof.",
"No, not that dude.",
"Her.",
"I'm good, boomer.",
"My name's not boomer.",
"Oh, in my head, it is. Gent... | [
"Times square on\nnew year's eve,",
"Rockefeller center\naround christmastime...",
"Yeah! But most of all...",
"A college bar? Oh, man.",
"We're probably going to\nrun into my students.",
"They're going to corner me\nand want a free lecture.",
"I don't even have\nmy slide projector.",
"damn it.",
"T... | [
"We all have different ways\nof dealing with nerves.",
"It'll just be a few more\nminutes, Mr. Stinson.",
"Some people chew their nails.",
"Some people tap their feet.",
"And some people imagine\nthey're being interviewed",
"by renowned sportscaster\nJim Nantz.",
"Hello, friends.",
"Every sport has ha... | [
"at my apartment to watch\nthe Super Bowl.",
"Well, not all of us.",
"Welcome back to Super Bowl XLIV in Miami.",
"Get a load of that guy.",
"You think that's his real number?",
"Well, that explains",
"where Barney is. Dibs on his wings.",
"Transcript by Addic7ed.com",
"Hey, guys. Hey.",
"Does any... | [
"Kids, in many of my stories\nI'm a starry-eyed romantic...",
"...on a noble search for true love.",
"In this one, I'm just a jerk.",
"Well, guys,\ntonight is the night.",
"Im riding Tiffany up to my place...",
"...to see my antique camera collection.",
"Ah.\nIt's Ted's bait.",
"'Bait'?",
"A true g... | [
"Kids, in warm March evening in 2010",
"a New York City police boat\npulled a 34-year-old white male",
"out of the Hudson River:\nyour Uncle Barney.",
"All right, kid,\nlet's hear the story.",
"From the beginning.",
"Well, it all started a week ago.",
"I was making time\nat the local watering hole.",
... | [
"Lily has always\nbeen one of those people",
"who loves their birthday.\nLoves it.",
"It's my birthday!",
"So it's a good thing\nshe married Marshall.",
"It's still my birthday!",
"Because he loves\nplanning birthdays.",
"Feliz cumpleaños, baby.",
"The theme of this today's\nbirthday breakfast",
... | [
"Kids, you may be wondering",
"How many of these stories\nI'm telling you are true.",
"It's a fair question.",
"After all, there's a fine line",
"Between a good story\nand a bald-faced lie.",
"I've never met anyone",
"Who could work that line\nbetter than your Uncle Barney.",
"Heck, he could jump rope... | [
"Kids, everyone has\none or two moments",
"when they make a\nhuge, crazy decision",
"that changes their lives forever.",
"This is the story of mine.",
"It all started with a\nvisit from my mom",
"and her longtime boyfriend, Clint,",
"who was always\nsaying stuff like...",
"Ted, your mother is a very..... | [
"Kids, your aunt Robin had only\nbeen dating Don a short while,",
"But one evening, out of nowhere...",
"Robin? - Mm?\n- Do you wanna move in?",
"Well, um it it... it's...",
"Kind of soon, but...",
"Sure, I would consider...",
"moving in here, just let me think about it.",
"No, I meant do you want to ... | [
"Guess what I've got\nbehind my back.",
"Wait, wait, wait,\nI got this one. Left.",
"Wrong game. But correct.",
"Five front-row tickets\nto Robots vs. Wrestlers.",
"Robots vs. Wrestlers?",
"That is awesome!",
"You've heard of\nRobots vs. Wrestlers?",
"Never. But we assume it's\nsome sort of sporting e... | [
"Kids, when you're\nin your 2os dating is great,",
"but by the time you reach your\n3os, you find out pretty fast",
"everyone has baggage.",
"Sure, you can stick\nto the small talk",
"and pretend it's not there,\nbut sooner or later...",
"It's my ex.",
"Sorry. We're trying\nto remain friends.",
"Hi, p... | [
"Kids, up to\nthis point in the story,",
"we had found doppelgangers.--",
"Eerie but awesome look-alikes",
"for four of the five members\nof our little group.",
"There was Lesbian Robin...",
"Mustache Marshall...",
"Stripper Lily...",
"and Mexican Wrestler Me.",
"Yes, mine was the coolest.",
"And ... | [
"Kids, if there's one\nbig theme to this story--",
"and I swear,\nwe're totally, almost,",
"not really all that close\nto the end-- it's timing.",
"Timing is everything.",
"For example, I never\nwould met your mother",
"if it weren't for a wedding.",
"The last wedding\nI ever thought I'd be at.",
"Wha... | [
"Oh, God, guys, I'm\nstill really hungover.",
"Did I really\nruin a wedding?",
"No, you didn't ruin\na wedding.",
"Just the reception.",
"And the bar mitzvah next door.",
"And my dress.",
"And your dress. You put on\na dress at one point.",
"Okay, you know what,\nthat's it.",
"I'm about to be a dad,... | [
"Hey, what do you guys think\nof my new ducky tie?",
"Pretty cute, right?",
"And not that much more expensive\nthan a regular tie.",
"Hmm.",
"A ducky tie?",
"Bro, why do you\ndo this",
"when you know I must\nslam you for it?",
"You guys might\nwant to look away",
"'cause this ain't\ngonna be pretty.... | [
"I can't believe\nI'm talking to a therapist.",
"Well, usually, I'm not\nthe touchy-feely,",
"talk-about-your-emotions type,",
"but with this, I just had\nto be a big enough person",
"to admit that I need help.",
"Huh. I guess this is what\ngrowing up feels like.",
"This is court-mandated therapy.",
"... | [
"Kids, in October 2011,\nyour Aunt Robin was in therapy.",
"And against all logic,\nit was actually going well.",
"But why?",
"Why-why am I constantly looking\nfor reasons not to be happy?",
"Maybe because the idea of\nfinally being happy...",
"terrifies you.",
"Bro, you are killing it today.",
"Pshh!... | [
"By the fall of 2011,\ntechnology had taken",
"a lot of the intrigue\nout of life.",
"The Internet had everyone's\nwall of information.",
"Nothing was a mystery anymore.",
"But, kids, there was\na time before that,",
"way back in the dark ages.",
"Are you people insane?!",
"The most popular food in Am... | [
"Kids, in the fall of 2011,",
"all of my friends\nwere in relationships.",
"So when Barney's brother James\ncame to visit,",
"it created\na slight logistical problem.",
"We're gonna need a bigger booth.",
"I'm gonna go\nto the loo.",
"I don't actually\nhave to go,",
"I just want a seat\nall to myself.... | [
"Kids, for years, your Uncle Barney",
"had reveled in mocking\nAunt Robin's Canadian heritage.",
"To have to grow up\nin Canada...",
"with America right there.",
"It's like an entire country\nwithout a tailor.",
"Why? Why do we let\nyou be a country?!",
"But all that was about\nto change.",
"I was on ... | [
"? ?",
"Psst. In here!",
"I'm safe.\nNot quite.",
"The amulet, please,\nMr. Stinson.",
"Why?",
"Help! Help!\nThe kid.",
"Help!\nHang on, kid.",
"Grab my tie.",
"But you're not supposed\nto take the tie off.",
"You lost a bet with your\nfriends Lily and Marshall",
"which requires you to wear\nthe... | [
"Kids, Einstein was right.",
"Time moves at different speeds.",
"To Barney, the previous night\nraced by in a blur.",
"But then, all of a sudden,",
"time stopped.",
"This might be the worst\nthing I've ever done.",
"Hey, now,",
"you weren't at the top of your\ngame, but it was still pretty...",
"Oh,... | [
"In the fall of 2011,\nLily and Marshall received",
"a surprising gift\nfrom Lily's grandparents:",
"their house in Long Island.",
"Lily and Marshall decided to\nsell it for one simple reason.",
"It's Long Island.",
"I don't want to spend\nmy Saturday in Long Island.",
"I know, babe,",
"but the realto... | [
"Kids, have I ever told you",
"the story\nof how I met your father?",
"Well, I'll just skip ahead",
"to the moment I told him\nI was pregnant.",
"W... What happened?",
"Did I pass out?",
"Not exactly.",
"I'm pregnant.",
"Are you sure you're not\njust getting fat?",
"Oh, yeah.",
"So, um, you're p... | [
"Kids, on New Year's Day 2012,",
"Uncle Marshall took a trip\nto Minnesota",
"to see someone he truly missed.",
"Hey, Pop.",
"I can't believe\nit's been a year.",
"I think the most appropriate way",
"to honor your memory today...",
"is to get blasted",
"and watch the Vikings\nmake the Bears",
"the... | [
"Hey, guys.\nWhere are Marshall and Lily?",
"Something terrible\nhappened.",
"Are they okay?\nAre they in the hospital?",
"No.",
"Somewhere much... much worse.",
"Long Island!",
"Tonight, we're moving\nout there for good.",
"Yeah. Here are your spare\nkeys to our new house.",
"Long Island?",
"I do... | [
"Dad, we need to talk.\n- Is it about the bees?",
"Bees?\nWe're throwing",
"a housewarming party\nin two weeks.",
"Oh.",
"It's gonna be friends,\nneighbors...",
"Did he say...\ndid he say \"bees\"?",
"Yeah. Marshall's been working\nvery long hours lately,",
"so I have been planning\nthis whole party b... | [
"Sorry this is\ntaking so long.",
"He kicked for everybody else.",
"It's hard for the little guy\nto perform under pressure.",
"Top ten things Marshall\nsaid on his wedding night.",
"Whoa! It was small, but\nI think I felt something.",
"Top ten things Lily said\non her wedding night.",
"Stop laughing\na... | [
"Kids, I'll never forget\nthe first time",
"I told your mother I loved her.",
"It was a rainy day in New York.",
"We just had a horrible lunch.",
"The movie we wanted to see\nwas sold out,",
"and I just looked at her",
"and said, \"I love you.\"",
"It was a big deal for me.",
"I hadn't said that\nto... | [
"NARRATOR: Kids, 2012 started out\nkind of crazy.",
"Barney met a girl named Quinn,",
"Kevin unproposed to Robin,",
"I told Robin...",
"I love you, Robin.",
"When I asked if she",
"loved me back, she said...",
"No.",
"Marshall told Robin...",
"You got to move out.",
"And Robin did.",
"I can't ... | [
"Kids, in the spring of 2012,",
"your Uncle Barney went off\nthe grid for a couple weeks.",
"So I was relieved\nwhen I got a text",
"asking me to come over\nto his place.",
"Glad to hear from you, buddy.",
"I was worried something\nbad happened...",
"to you.",
"Welcome, brother.",
"What is this?",
... | [
"Chester,\nyou're not even dressed.",
"The reservation is in 15 minutes.\n- Shh!",
"He's back.",
"Every night\nat exactly 8:00 p.m.,",
"the well-dressed\nblond man appears.",
"Chuck and Joanne",
"are going to be waiting.\nYou don't understand!",
"Every night, he does this.",
"Every single night.",
... | [
"So, how's living alone?",
"You know, it's interesting.",
"When I first moved into\nmy new apartment,",
"I was nervous.",
"For the first time in my adult\nlife, I didn't have a roommate.",
"For the first time in my adult\nlife, I didn't have a roommate!",
"If I want to walk around naked,\nnobody cares."... | [
"In May of 2012,\nMarshall and Lily",
"hosted a baby shower\nin the apartment.",
"All their friends were there.",
"So of course I made sure\nto show up exactly...",
"three hours late.",
"Oh, no! Am I late?\n- Little bit.",
"Ah, I'm sorry, I would've gotten\nhere earlier; it's just, um...",
"You didn't... | [
"Kids, when Aunt Lily\nwent into labor,",
"Marshall was somewhere\nslightly inconvenient,",
"in Atlantic City\nwith Uncle Barney,",
"and drunk to the point of\ntalking like Yoda.",
"Baby come...",
"Papa gonna be am I...",
"Hospital must we get now...",
"Okay, there's like a four-hour\nwait at the vale... | [
"Kids, this is the story",
"of a wedding day\nthat went horribly wrong.",
"Ted, the bride wants to see you.",
"Uncle Barney\nwas getting married.",
"How the hell did we get there?",
"I love the name Marvin.",
"Marv.",
"Sounds like a little\nmiddle-aged man.",
"Golf next weekend, Marv?",
"How's tha... | [
"Oh, you look like\nyou're coming from a wedding.",
"Was it a nice one?",
"Uh, it's a long story, and\nI don't mean to be rude,",
"but I really don't feel\nlike talking about it.",
"It all started when\nthe bride asked to see me...",
"Wow.",
"Okay, don't sugarcoat it, Mosby.",
"Just give it to me stra... | [
"Kids, the summer of\n2012 was the Summer of Love.",
"Barney and Quinn,",
"me and Victoria,",
"Robin and Nick,",
"Lily, Marshall and Marvin.",
"Everyone was happy as can be.",
"Which means there are absolutely\nno good stories.",
"Let's skip ahead...",
"to October 2012,",
"the official kick-off",
... | [
"Kids, October of 2012 kicked off",
"The Autumn of Breakups.",
"And Barney, having broken\nhis engagement with Quinn,",
"was slowly trying to\npick himself back up.",
"Welcome to Bangtoberfest!",
"Have a Bangtoberfest T-shirt!",
"I'm back!",
"Have a Bangtoberfest T\n- shirt!",
"I'm single again!",
... | [
"Kids, once your Uncle\nMarshall and Aunt Lily",
"found a nanny for baby Marvin,",
"they were excited",
"for their first night\nout together in five months.",
"And so were we.",
"Mama.",
"Dada.",
"Hi, gang.",
"Ooh.",
"Ah, so, now that there's no",
"screaming baby to distract us,",
"what have y... | [
"Kids, it's no secret your Uncle\nBarney is a bit of a dog,",
"and even though he loved\nme, I think he always wanted",
"a wingman who was a bit of a dog, too.",
"And in the fall of 2012...",
"he found one.",
"Respect.",
"Hey, guys, thanks again for\na great night last night.",
"I say again,",
"grea... | [
"In the fall of 2012,",
"Nick and Robin were going strong.",
"Sometimes it's hard to\nsay what it is exactly",
"that makes a couple click.",
"Wow.",
"Bravissimo!",
"Whatever it was, kids, Nick and Robin",
"really connected at first.",
"Hey, you know, I think\nI'm really starting",
"to feel somethi... | [
"Guys, I'm going\nthrough something kinda hard.",
"Since Quinn and I broke\nup, she's gone back to dancing",
"at The Lusty Leopard, and it's\njust really tough because...",
"'Cause you have to\nfind a new strip club?",
"I have to find a new strip club!",
"I've been going to The Lusty\nLeopard for seven ye... | [
"Kids, this a story about the\ntime your Uncle Marshall",
"went before the New York\nState Judiciary Committee,",
"a panel that would\ndecide the fate of his career.",
"He thought he'd open with an icebreaker.",
"By the way, did I mention those\nrobes really do you all...",
"justice?",
"I'm just saying ... | [
"Well, it's come to this...\nwe're drinking with our baby in a bar.",
"It is not a bar.",
"It's a restaurant\nthat happens to have a bar.",
"Ergo, we are good parents.",
"Unrelated: I'm getting faced right now.",
"Papa needs a grease coat.",
"While it is heartwarming to watch",
"your firstborn teethe\... | [
"Lily, I just saw the worst thing ever!",
"Kind of busy right now, Marshall.",
"Quiet. He can hear you.",
"Who's \"he\"?",
"He's coming! Everyone shut up!",
"Okay, kids, you're probably\nwondering how",
"we all got here.",
"Oh, hey, buddy, can we borrow\nyour air mattress?",
"My mom's coming into\nt... | [
"Can I get you guys anything to drink?",
"Scotch, neat.",
"Jinx.",
"Oh, my...",
"God.",
"Kids, you may be\nwondering why five adults",
"in their 30s would\ntake a jinx so seriously.",
"It all started one day five years ago.",
"Ooh, Van Helsing. Ooh, Van Helsing.",
"Jinx. You're jinxed.",
"That m... | [
"With Christmas just around the corner,",
"your Uncle Barney, gave me the horrible\ngift of an unwanted secret.",
"Tomorrow night on the roof",
"of the World Wide News building...",
"that's Patrice's favorite spot...",
"I'm gonna ask her to marry me.",
"Ah, poot-tu-tat!\nYou're jinxed.",
"I'll unjinx ... | [
"Kids, in late 2012, I\nreceived a very important text message.",
"Uncle Barney and Aunt\nRobin were engaged,",
"marking a truly happy\ntime for our little group.",
"The problem was",
"one of us was definitely not happy.",
"Marvin will not stop crying.",
"What do you guys think it is?",
"Is he hungry?... | [
"You guys. You guys will\nnot believe what just happened.",
"On my way here, a taxi",
"jumped the curb and it\npinned this old lady,",
"and I just went into this,\nlike, crazy adrenaline mode",
"and I somehow lifted it off her.",
"Oh, my God, Ted, your wrist.",
"Oh, yeah, I guess it's a little swollen."... | [
"Kids, sometimes when you're\nabout to give up",
"on your love life\nforever for the 17th time,",
"destiny intervenes.",
"Instead of rushing in, I took my time",
"to think up the perfect opening line.",
"Wait, no, damn it, come\nback! You're really...",
"You're pretty!",
"And before I could call out a... | [
"Kids, early in this story,\nyou may recall me saying",
"something along the lines of...",
"Okay, no more dating.",
"I am ready to settle down.",
"And at the time, I\nprobably thought I meant it.",
"But, kids, I'll be honest.",
"Being single's fun.",
"As a young unattached\nman in New York City,",
"... | [
"Thanks.",
"That's weird. I have a message.",
"That's weird.",
"You still have an answering machine.",
"Ted, this is the Captain.",
"Please call me back at\nyour earliest convenience.",
"Oh, crap.",
"Kids, you remember the Captain.",
"He was one of the\nrichest men in New York,",
"and when I met h... | [
"This is the life.",
"We got the three B's.",
"Beach, booze and bodacious babes.",
"I don't know.",
"I'm starting to think\nwe should call the police.",
"Oh, would you relax?",
"We've got it made.",
"One whole week at his\nbodacious beach house,",
"no strings attached.",
"Well, there is one string... | [
"In the spring of 2013,",
"Barney and Robin were just\nweeks away from tying the knot.",
"But there were still some pretty\nbig issues they hadn't agreed on.",
"Adoption.",
"I don't know.",
"It's the only thing that makes sense.",
"I can't... I can't\nbelieve you're not open to it.",
"Okay. Let's try ... | [
"Kids, in April of 2013,",
"your mother and I were very close",
"and yet very far apart.",
"I was living on West 82nd Street.",
"She was up on West 115th.",
"She was getting a degree in economics.",
"I was teaching architecture.",
"I was always at MacLaren's.",
"She was always...",
"not spending a... | [
"Kids, by the spring of 2013,",
"Lily and Marshall had life figured out,",
"Lily was making a name as the\nart consultant for The Captain,",
"Marshall was a\nsuperstar environmental lawyer",
"and home life was a well-oiled machine.",
"And then...",
"something changed.",
"Captain, you wanted to see me?... | [
"Kids, this is the story of the night",
"Barney's life completely fell apart.",
"My life is finally perfect,",
"and that is never going to change.",
"Fired up for dinner\nwith my mom tonight?",
"Yeah. To help\nstreamline the rest of our lives,",
"you can always assume my answer\nto that question is no."... | [
"In 1994, Robin's dad took her to\nNew York City for the first time...",
"This is amazing! Thank you, sir!",
"Well, a little father-son bonding\ntrip never hurt anyone.",
"I did almost die from\nmalnutrition on that wolf hunt last year...",
"I had to almost kill you\nfor you to learn how to kill.",
"New Y... | [
"Kids, in the spring of 2013,",
"we were all tying up loose\nends before the big wedding.",
"I was right here in this very room,\nputting the finishing touches on the house.",
"Oh, come on!",
"Barney and Robin were wrapping up\nrehearsal for their first dance.",
"That was amazing.\n- We can do better.",
... | [
"Narrator:\nKids, barney and robin's\nwedding turned out",
"To be a life-changing weekend\nfor all of us.",
"Well, not just us.",
"One ticket to farhampton,\nplease.",
"Narrator:\nBut I'll get to that.",
"(horn honks)",
"Who are you honking at?\nYou.",
"You're going 40 in a 65.",
"Pick it up, grandm... | [
"Narrator: That afternoon\nat the farhampton inn,",
"Aunt lily and I\ntried to check in.",
"Are you chewing gum?",
"You never chew gum.",
"You shouldn't chew gum\nin here.",
"Nobody cares if\nI chew gum, ted.",
"Are you chewing gum?",
"Yes, she is.\nShe's chewing gum.",
"Ooh, can I have a piece?",
... | [
"Robin:\nSo, the hairdresser shows up",
"At 2:00 on Sunday.",
"Great, and while you do that,",
"I'll check in\non the ring bear.",
"I'm sorry.",
"You're saying\n\"ring bearer,\" right?",
"Ring bear.",
"Okay, look into my eyes and say,\n\"I promise that I'm not bringing",
"A dangerous wild animal\nto... | [
"Narrator:\nKids, it was two days",
"Before barney\nand robin's wedding,",
"And everything was going off\nwithout a hitch.",
"Ted:\nAh.",
"Been waiting for the\nperfect time for this,",
"And, my friend,\nthat time is...",
"I saw you and robin\nat the carousel.",
"(bottle shatters)\nokay, there was\non... | [
"Ooh, chicago!",
"There is this pizza place\ncalled gazzola's.",
"It's fantastic.",
"It was closed down for a while,\nbut it just reopened.",
"I'm sure they got\na godzilla's in new york.",
"We're not stopping.",
"It's just pizza.",
"Just... Pizza?",
"Let me tell you",
"About the thing\nyou say is... | [
"Ted:\nLook at this,",
"Your wedding weekend.\nI know.",
"This close to finally\nhaving sex again.",
"It's been forever.",
"Oh, you and robin\nbeen abstaining?",
"Talking about you, ted.",
"Now here's the deal:\nEvery hookup",
"At a weekend wedding is decided\nat Friday night drinks.",
"Get stuck wi... | [
"Narrator: Kids, as you know,\nlily and marshall had decided",
"To move to rome after\nbarney and robin's wedding.",
"We're going to Italy.",
"Si.",
"But without telling lily,",
"Marshall had then accepted\na judgeship in new york.",
"Good luck with that...\nYour honor.",
"Until his always-helpful\nro... | [
"Narrator: Kids,\nbarney's mom had this blouse",
"That she absolutely loved,",
"But then robin won it\nin a poker game,",
"Which led\nto some slight awkwardness.",
"You won the battle...\nBut I'll win the war.",
"Game on, bitch.",
"Barney: Please, mom,\nI need you to just be cool.",
"Okay, can you do ... | [
"Ted: Your mom's not coming\nto the wedding?",
"Okay, seriously,\nI-I need to stop crying",
"Does anyone know how\nto turn this off?",
"Is there, like, a button\nor something?",
"Want me to feel\naround for it?",
"It's probably\nsomewhere on your back.",
"Stop it.\nWhat? I'm trying\nto cheer you up.",
... | [
"Narrator:\nTwo days before barney\nand robin's wedding,",
"Their reverend passed away,",
"And the search was on\nfor a replacement.",
"(phone rings)\nbarney:\nOh, boy, it's the creepy,",
"Bug-eyed minister\nfrom that culty church",
"Who kept asking us\nif we're \"pure enough to die.\"",
"He's our best ... | [
"Narrator: Marshall and marvin\nwere taking the bus",
"On their way to long island\nto meet up with us.",
"(crying)\nthere, there,\nlittle marvin.",
"Let no more\ntears fall.",
"We're gonna see mommy\nin no time at all.",
"Hello there. I'm sorry\nfor all of the noise.",
"It's been a long day\nfor the er... | [
"Barney:\n\"let's get this party started.\"",
"Hey, can you\npush the button?",
"Do not touch\nthat button.",
"Just give it a little push.\nDon't push it.",
"Half of it, halfway, halfway...\nDon't even touch it.",
"Why can't I\npush the button?",
"Because whenever barney\nsees a button-- any button--",
... | [
"Narrator:\nKids, when your\nuncle marshall's bus broke down",
"Five miles away\nfrom the farhampton inn,",
"He made a vow.",
"I can walk that far.",
"Yes. It was another\nexciting installment of...",
"Marshall:\n¶ marshall versus the machines",
"¶ our hero starts his journey",
"¶ with steely-eyed ... | [
"(\"o fortuna\" playing)",
"(\"o fortuna\" playing)",
"Narrator:\nOh, sorry, kids.",
"I forgot to mention\nthere's a bit of a backstory",
"To this particular slap.",
"Oh, man.",
"Oh.",
"At least it landed\non the mustard stain.",
"Don't bother.\nThat suit is a stain.",
"A stain on the very institu... | [
"The mother:\nOkay, it's over.",
"Ted:\nStarting the clock now.",
"(exhales)",
"(exhales)",
"Labor sucks, huh?\nYeah.",
"That fun-sounding name?",
"It's totally misleading.",
"(chuckles)",
"Better have this baby soon.",
"You know my\nmom's rule:",
"Nothing good happens\nafter 2:00 a.M.",
"Just... | [
"âª",
"You're my best friend, barney.",
"Good. Then, as your best friend,",
"I suggest we play a game\nI like to call",
"Have you met ted?",
"What? Oh, my god.",
"I'm so stupid.",
"Stay there. I'm on my way.",
"⪠say, man",
"⪠don't walk ahead\nof that woman âª",
"⪠like she don't belong... | [
"Man:\nWell, that party was a dud.",
"Man 2: I think I struck out\nwith, like, 20 girls.",
"And...\nMy condom expired.",
"We are losers!",
"We've tried\neverything.\n(sighs)",
"We're covered\nin drakkar,",
"I've got fresh\nnew white socks,",
"And I thought our\nmime work in there",
"Was excellent!",... | [
"Oh, my god! You know that\nthere is gonna be champagne",
"At this party, right?\nI know, I know.",
"But we're gonna get\nthere and it's gonna be",
"Everyone congratulating\nyou on your book,",
"Saying, \"this is a revelation!",
"\"you're gonna end\npoverty in our time.",
"\"this is the greatest book\na... | [
"Thank you for\nbringing me here.",
"I am so glad we made\nit. That snowstorm",
"Was getting really bad.",
"Wait, you think\nthis is a snowstorm?",
"This is nothing.\nI'll tell you about a snowstorm.",
"It was winter break,\nfreshman year of college...",
"Marshall and I were\nroommates, but we weren't",... | [
"Narrator: It was the day\nof barney and robin's wedding,",
"And a surprise guest\nhad just arrived.",
"Robin: Mom, I-I can't believe\nyou're here.",
"How did you get here?",
"On a plane.",
"With your fear of flying?\nWhat, did the plane drive here?",
"(laughs)\nI've made enormous strides",
"Since you... | [
"Ted:\nHi.",
"Hi.",
"Okay.",
"(chuckles)",
"So I thought we'd...\nTry this new restaurant.",
"It's right around\nthe corner from here.",
"It's scottish-mexican fusion.",
"Scottish-mexican fusion?",
"Scottish-mexican fusion.",
"That would seem like two things\nthat do not fuse.",
"Perhaps you'll ... | [
"Narrator:\nKids, it's not always rational,\nbut people on their wedding day",
"Sometimes find themselves\npanicking",
"About whether\nthey've made the best choice.",
"I have a better\ntie at home!",
"It's cornflower blue.\nIt's cornflower blue!",
"Narrator:\nBut lucky for barney,\nhe was marrying a rock.... | [
"So?\n(whispers): No.",
"No. You-you were in.",
"I said, \"have you met ted\"\nand everything.",
"How could that not work?\nI don't know,",
"We introduced ourselves,\nI bought her a drink,",
"Told her I loved her...",
"What?\nI'm kidding.",
"Hold on, roxanne.",
"You played \"have you met ted\"\nwith... | [
"Lily:\nMarshall's almost here.",
"Yes! Look at us,",
"Hanging out again.\nThis is amazing.",
"This is awesome!",
"This is...\n(roaring)\n(laughing): Okay.",
"Just settle\ndown, buddy.\nNo!",
"Settling down is for losers with\nkids who never go out anymore.",
"I am in\ncharge tonight,",
"And the ear... |
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